Idiots Walk Among Us

Happy Valentine's Day 2012

2012-02-14T09:37:00.001-06:00

2012-02-10T12:34:00.002-06:00

Wow! It is a rare YouTube video indeed which can boast a 9 year old banjo virtuoso and the Millenium Falcon in the same shot.

A Few Words About Self Deportation

2012-02-08T12:26:00.003-06:00

Alabama’s controversial immigration policy has been in the news a lot lately. Hence, the new immigration buzzphrase ‘self deportation.’ Essentially, Alabama aims to make it so difficult for illegal immigrants to live in the state that they will either go back to their country of origin, or move to another state.

I have long been in favor of comprehensive, nationwide immigration reform, but something has been bothering me – the myth that illegal immigrants are taking jobs from American citizens. I heard a report last week that Alabama farmers were complaining of their crops rotting in the fields because there was no one to harvest them. Funny…I didn’t hear about any unemployed Americans stepping up to take those jobs. Saying illegal immigrants are stealing American jobs assumes they are working jobs that U.S. citizens actually want. I don’t see ads on Monster.com looking for seasonal migrant agricultural workers. Americans are either ignorant of or turning a blind eye to the reality illegal immigration.

Look, the reason tomatoes are $1.29 a pound instead of $129 a pound is simple – Americans want it fast and cheap. How does a farmer get fresh tomatoes to market at a competitive price while still making a bit of profit? Cheap migrant labor…illegal immigrants. Think about it. Do you know anyone who would be willing to work in a field 12 hours a day everyday for only a few dollars? No healthcare. No 401k. Just an assload of hard, physical work for almost no money. Does that sound like a career that would have Americans saying, “Where do I sign up?” We are so hypocritical. We pass legislation against illegal immigration, then go home and dine on produce picked by the very people we’re trying to get rid of. In fact, some American producers place ads in Mexican newspapers essentially recruiting people to come work in the United States.

So, let’s not kid ourselves about this fact – America needs illegal immigrants. Like it or not, illegal immigrants fill many of the menial jobs that snobby Americans wouldn’t do. Ask yourself this – who is more likely to be an illegal immigrant…a systems engineer, or the guy who washes dishes at Chili’s? An accountant, or the guy who mows your lawn? (Full disclosure: I have washed dishes and mowed lawns in my life, so get off me…) The dirty little secret of life in America is that illegal immigrants do the jobs we don’t want to do, and keep things from being impossibly expensive. With unemployment at almost 9%, one might think out-of-work Americans would be racing to fill the dishwashing jobs. Yet, many job seekers are content to remain on unemployment assistance until a ‘suitable’ job comes along.

Don’t get me wrong…I am not backing off my stance against those who would enter our country illegally. It’s just that, in order to maintain that stance, one must be willing to accept the fact that daily life would change dramatically. Food prices would go up. Well, the price of just about everything would go up. You either accept that, or live with the fact that illegal immigrants serve a valuable function in the American economy. The solution? In my opinion, a little common sense.

First, a guest worker program. Look, these people are just trying to provide for their families…yes, they broke our laws by entering illegally, but it’s not like they’re drug traffickers or anything. Ok..yes, some of them are drug traffickers, but I think it’s safe to say that is a small minority. I think the United States needs to make it easier to work in this country if you’re not from here. Let’s give foreign nationals a temporary visa to work in the U.S. provided they do not have a criminal history and do not overstay their welcome. And, since they’re working in our country, let’s get them paying income taxes here. Speaking of paying things here…

Second, a tax on remittances. It is no secret that what happens in the United States does not stay in the United States. Mexico’s economy relies, in part, on remittances from Mexicans working in the U.S. in order to sustain itself. I want foreign nationals working in the United States to spend more money here. Otherwise, there is not really a point in having them here in the first place. You want a lucrative American job so you can send the money back home? Fine, but not before Uncle Sam takes a cut.

Third, tighten up infrastructure. Free medical care at American hospitals? Not for you, undocumented person. I pay out the ass for health insurance. An undocumented worker can be seen in an American emergency room for free. That same visit would cost me hundred$ of dollar$. No cost social services? Not for you, illegal immigrant. Undocumented workers should not be eligible for the same social programs as American citizens. I earned that privilege…you didn’t.

Last, increased Customs and Border Patrol enforcement. Spongebob is less porous than our border with Mexico. We need to make it difficult, if not impossible, to enter this country illegally. Forget physical barriers…we need more boots on the ground. And for those guest workers who commit a crime while here in the United States? Gone…never to return. Not ‘self deportation’…actual deportation.

REALITY: Illegal immigrants are a necessity…unless you want to pay $20 for a head of lettuce.

A guest worker program is not amnesty. It is a common sense solution to an unavoidable problem. Let’s issue temporary work visas to foreign nationals who do not have a criminal record. Let’s make them pay income tax like the rest of us. Let Uncle Sam take a cut of remittances. Let’s make social services available only to U.S. citizens. Let’s deport guest workers who commit crimes. And, let’s make it more of a pain in the ass to get here in the first place.

OK Go - "Needing/Getting" Video

2012-02-08T09:45:00.002-06:00

This is without a doubt one of the coolest things I have ever seen. It is a rare band indeed who can simultaneously create music and compete in the Dakar rally. Brilliant!

Syria - Why the World Should Be Outraged

2012-02-07T13:59:00.005-06:00

I am pretty isolationist when it comes to foreign policy. I think the United States has, over the years, stuck its’ nose into many places it didn’t belong. I also think the United States has a lengthy history of trying to turn other countries into American-style democracies…whether those countries wanted it or not. I haven’t been paying too much attention to what is happening in Syria. Typical American ignorance, I suppose. YouTube changed all that.

It is one thing to watch the evening news and hear about President Bashar al-Assad’s brutal crackdown against protestors. It is quite another to stare into the lifeless eyes of an innocent child who was killed by Assad’s regime. The YouTube videos are far too graphic for me to link here, but it doesn’t take much effort to find them. Dozens and dozens of them. Countless mangled bodies. Men, women and children. The videos are being captured by cell phones and uploaded to the Web. I think the videos are as important as they are disturbing.

Americans are not as used to seeing death as some may be in the Middle East. One video showed a young boy, maybe 12 years old, lying dead on a table. A sniper’s bullet passed through his right eye and exited the back of his skull. My own son is 12 years old. Under different circumstances, he and my boy might have been friends. Can anyone tell me what harm a 12 year old boy has done to the Syrian regime to warrant being violently gunned down? What harm has anyone in Syria done, for that matter? All they want is their freedom. Freedom to live their lives as they choose. This is a basic right that most Americans (myself included) take for granted.

By most accounts, between 5 and 6 thousand people have been killed in Syria since the uprising began a year ago. I looked at a picture of Bashar al-Assad. I have to be honest – he looks like a pretty regular guy…maybe a neighbor or a co-worker. He doesn’t look evil like I thought he might. And yet, thousands of innocent men, women and children are dead by his hand. Why? So he can hold onto power just a little while longer? This is crazy.

The world needs to be outraged by this. The Syrian people have done nothing other than to demand their freedom. Seeing the bodies of the dead in stark detail has changed me. Americans need to see what is going on over there. I don’t fault President Obama for seeking a diplomatic solution, but I don’t think there’s time for that now. Every day without decisive action from the international community will mean more bodies and more blood flowing through the streets of Syria. That’s why, frankly, I am astounded that Russia and China would torpedo U.N. efforts to work toward a peaceful, political solution to a violent, bloody situation. Why would these two world powers support a regime which is killing its’ own people?

Anyway, I am not here to make any kind of statement…just to say that I am angered by what Bashar al-Assad is doing to his own people. My hope is that this is resolved in such a way that further bloodshed is avoided. I believe that God created all of us in His own image. I believe that only God has the authority to take someone’s life from them. I can’t imagine that killing each other is what God intended for us. He must be so disappointed in what we have done to His creation. There is a reason that greed, corruption and killing are sinful. It’s because God doesn’t want us doing those things.

So, I don’t know that I would recommend viewing the Syrian videos on YouTube, but I believe it certainly will shed some light on what is going on there. People need to be outraged by this. People need to demand action on the part of their governments. Diplomacy is not enough. There comes a point where human beings need to stand up for the basic rights of other human beings. Chief among those, in my opinion, is the right to live your life on your own terms.

Enjoy The Stupor Bowl

2012-02-03T12:51:00.009-06:00

MSN - The NFL is notorious for filing complaints and alleging copyright infringement, especially during football season. The one event they crack down on the most is, of course, the Stupor Bowl. The NFL (Needless Fucking Litigation) holds the property rights to all phrases relating to the Stupor Bowl, and enforces very strict rules about which ones may not be legally broadcast by marketers and promoters not authorized by the NFL (Needless Fucking Litigation).

You cannot say or print:
* “Super Bowl”
* “Super Sunday”
* The Super Bowl logo
* “NFL”, “AFC”, or “NFC”
* “National Football League”
* “American Football Conference”
* ‘National Football Conference”
* Any team name (e.g., “Patriots") or nickname ("Pats")

You CAN say or print:
*"The Big Game in (host city, i.e. Indianapolis)"
*"The Professional Football Championship Game in Indianapolis"
*The date of the game
*The names of the cities of the teams competing in the Super Bowl (i.e. New England v. New York), but NOT the team names themselves (i.e. Patriots v. Giants)
*You can make fun of the fact that you cannot say the phrase "Super Bowl" by bleeping it out

Contemplating the seemingly limitless greed of the League-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named might leave you craving a snack. No problemo. Here’s a quick rundown of what Americans will be consuming during The Big Game between New York and New England this Sunday, February 5 in Indianapolis (yeah..suck it Professional Football League !!).

71.4 million pounds of guacamole
11.2 million pounds of potato chips (a total of 27 billion calories and 1.8 billion grams of fat, or the equivalent of one Paula Deen bacon doughnut burger)
8.2 million pounds of tortilla chips
4.3 million pounds of pretzels
3.8 million pounds of popcorn
2.5 million pounds of nuts (Anderson Cooper has had more nuts in his mouth)
49.3 million cases of beer (roughly the same amount consumed by Josh Hamilton during his most recent relapse)
1.25 billion wings (leaving 625 million chickens flightless)

I am not a big sports fan. I am still amazed at the outrageous salaries commanded by grown men playing games intended for children. Anyway, I hope you enjoy "The Big Game." Try not to gorge yourself into heart disease and/or diabetes. And try not to infringe on The Professional Football League’s intellectual property rights. They are a cash-strapped organization who truly deserves every penny. Plus, a frivolous lawsuit is not how you want to start 2012 – year of the Mayan Apocalypse.

Speaking of things Mayan, about half of you football fans will be disappointed on Monday at your team's loss during "The Big Game." Console yourselves with the appreciation that the Mayan game Tlatchtli ia no longer widely popular. Why?

Losing Stupor Bowl team: awkward silence on chartered plane ride home

Losing Tlatchtli team: brutally beheaded as sacrifice to gods

See? It's all in the context. The Stupor Bowl would be so much more interesting if the opposing teams were, literally, playing for their lives.

Giorgio Loves Sonic

2012-02-01T16:37:00.002-06:00

This is how the cast of One Tree Hill orders fast food. Damn you, catchy pop song...I'll be singing this all night. "Can I get a Number 8 with large chili cheese tater tots.."

This is How SkyNet Started

2012-02-01T08:17:00.000-06:00

Lieberman 'Glitter Bombed'

2012-01-31T09:28:00.006-06:00

CNN iReport - At 6pm a group from the Occupy DC camp decided to head to the Capitol Hill Hilton Hotel to protest the Alfalfa Club and its members. By then the surrounding area has been heavily blocked by the police, in all directions, and the protesters had no other choice but to wait for members from the Alfalfa club to enter the premises using one of the intersections they were blocking. At approximately 7pm, Senator Joe Lieberman headed to the Hilton, by foot. As he passed the protesters a heavy cloud of glitter descended upon him and his security; he has just been 'glitter-bombed'. As the evening turned to night the protesters decided to start a block party, with the help of a set of speakers and a laptop. 'Bulls on Parade' by Rage Against the Machine, 'F#@$ the Police' by N.W.A, '(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party!) by the Beastie Boys were some of the songs played by the impromptu DJ. As the crowd started dancing 2 women took off their tops which eventually led to over 20 individuals following the same example, men and women who, with the help of a sharpie pen, wrote on their chests slogans concerning their cause. Surprisingly neither the secret service nor the MPD, both at the scene, arrested any of the individuals for indecent exposure.
**First, a word about the Occupy movement:
Go back to work you filthy, stinky hippies.
Second, look no further than the Middle East to see how a protest is really done. Anti-government protestors in numerous Middle Eastern countries are actually changing the way things are done, not just shouting meaningless slogans and throwing glitter at politicians. Of course, rather than simply making a few arrests like here in the States, Middle Eastern governments seem to be mowing down protestors on a Call of Duty scale.

Ok, so you’re protesting the government, wealthy Wall Street fat cats, income inequality, and wearing shirts, apparently. I get that. We live in tough times and, thankfully, in a country which respects the rights of people to assemble in public and bitch about the status quo. We live in a nation that is cool with anti-government protestors writing saucy slogans on their tits with a Sharpie. I don’t know if ‘glitter bombing’ Senator Joe Lieberman is going to do much to change things, but I’ll bet he looked
Fab-U-Lous!

Arab Spring: Risk your life to stand up for what you believe in
Occupy DC: Glitter bomb politicians, enjoy impromptu naked street party

Last, a word about ‘iReport’ style amateur journalists, like the one who wrote the excerpt above. Having a ‘man on the street’ kind of reporter is probably a good thing. Everyone knows that most broadcast journalism is slanted in one direction or the other, and cannot be trusted. That’s why I don’t necessarily watch Fox News for fair, balanced reporting. But, what I miss in today’s journalism is the respect and skillful use of the English language. Journalists used to be some of the most eloquent, well read people around – people who knew the English language like the back of their hand. Journalists now don’t even bother spell checking their stuff before posting it online. The short excerpt above has more grammatical errors than I can easily count.

Something has happened in the last thirty years. I think it is a problem in our public schools. Educators used to teach children how to properly use the English language. Those of you with a school age kid already know that today’s teachers don’t give a shit about teaching kids how to write and speak properly. Why? Simple – teacher performance and school funding are based, in part, on standardized test scores. Today’s schools crank out ill-prepared kids like Foxconn cranks out iPhones. These kids can’t speak, write, or spell their way out of a paper bag. That’s great news for Taco Bell, though – plenty of future employees. It’s easy to look like a Nobel laureate when no other kid in your class can distinguish between there, their and they’re. Those things used to be important. I don’t know what happened. English proficiency used to be a big deal. I don’t think the United States will be a world leader again until we put some value into a proper education. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before we have a President who ends sentences with ‘lol.’

God Bless You, Second Amendment

2012-01-26T10:58:00.002-06:00

MSN - A 65-year-old man who was knocked off his bicycle by three teenagers on a Pennsylvania trail shot two of them, killing one, police said according to reports. The Reading Eagle newspaper said the wounded teen, 16, was taken to hospital and the third, aged 15, was taken in for questioning and was later committed to a youth center. The incident happened on the Thun Trail near a bridge over the Schuylkill River, between Reading and West Reading just after noon Wednesday. According to police, the 65-year-old was riding his bicycle when the teens knocked him to the ground, the station said. Police said two teens then assaulted the man, who drew his gun and shot them.
**WARNING: The Texan in me is about to come out...
HELL YEA !!! God bless you, Second Amendment. Gives me the right to defend myself against Redcoats, the Al Qaeda...and unruly teens, apparently. So, think twice before assaulting an old man, punks. He might just be ready to bust some caps.

SIERRA BLANCA, Texas (AP) — Authorities say Hollywood actor Armie Hammer was arrested at a border patrol checkpoint in West Texas after a drug-sniffing dog discovered marijuana in his car. The 25-year-old, who starred with Leonardo DiCaprio in "J. Edgar," spent about a day in jail before paying a $1,000 bond. Arrest records show he had 0.02 ounces of marijuana, three medicinal marijuana cookies and one brownie when arrested Nov. 30 in Sierra Blanca, a few miles from the Mexican border. El Paso's district attorney declined to prosecute because a felony requires more than 4 ounces of actual marijuana. The county attorney could pursue lesser charges, since the case is going back to the local sheriff, but Hammer's lawyer Kent Schaffer says no charges have been presented.
**Like me, you might be saying, “Armie who?” As a life-long Texan, I find myself wondering why Texas seems to be the epicenter for celebrity weed busts lately. Willie, Snoop, and now D-list actor Armie Hammer. Not that I would know, but let’s talk quantity for a moment. Hammer was arrested after authorities discovered 0.02 ounces of chronic in his car. Let me put that in drug terms – about half a gram. Basically nothing, in other words. You could probably find half a gram in Willie Nelson’s beard.

Oh, wait a minute...I forgot about the 3 cookies and one magic brownie also found in Hammer’s possession. Unless those cookies are of the oversized, novelty shopping mall kiosk variety, I can’t see them being a big deal. As you may have guessed, there is no such thing as ‘medicinal marijuana’ in my home state. *Sigh* But even in Texas, it takes 4 ounces to be considered a felony. Hammer was carrying .05% of that amount. So..what is it with law enforcement and weed? I have made my feelings about drug policy pretty clear over the years.

My opinion? Law enforcement should focus on drug trafficking and drug-related violence rather than prosecuting casual drug users. Our prison system is clogged with non-violent drug offenders. So, why not let them out into some kind of treatment, freeing up those prison cells for murderers and child molesters as God intended? Recreational marijuana users are not violent people...unless there’s a shortage of Double Stuf Oreos and Yoo Hoo at the store. In that case, it’s every man for himself. But, if you’re one of those Reagan-era ‘Just Say No’ people, you can take comfort in the fact that long-term marijuana use has been shown to increase the risk of developing testicular cancer by as much as 70%. So, most marijuana users won’t be around for long.

Look, these are tough economic times. Local, state and federal resources are strained like never before. I really think law enforcement should pick its’ battles more carefully. For example, go out and arrest some real criminals, not a guy with a couple ‘cookies’ and an amount of weed best viewed under a microscope. Snoop probably has a half gram between the cushions of his couch.

Paula Deen Confirms Diabetes Diagnosis

2012-01-17T12:32:00.004-06:00

CNN - Queen of comfort cuisine Paula Deen confirmed Tuesday that she has type-2 diabetes. In her first broadcast interview discussing the disease, Deen said she intentionally kept the diagnosis secret after discovering she had it during a routine physical three years ago. Rumors that the 64-year-old Southern cook suffers from the disease have been persistent. Deen neither confirmed nor denied the reports – until now. The news puts a spotlight on Deen, who has been criticized for promoting the type of high-fat, high-sugar diet that leads to weight gain – a major factor believed to cause type-2 diabetes. Deen, who told TODAY.com last year that she couldn’t do without butter or a deep-fryer, was called out by fellow food personality Anthony Bourdain in a TV Guide article for being “the worst, most dangerous person to America," who is "proud of the fact that her food is f---ing bad for you." Bourdain, who says he was flooded by requests for quotes after news of Deen’s announcement leaked, shared his reaction with Eater.com. “When your signature dish is hamburger in between a doughnut, and you've been cheerfully selling this stuff knowing all along that you've got type 2 diabetes... It's in bad taste if nothing else.”
**Ok, is anyone here surprised that celebrity chef Paula Deen has type-2 diabetes? Look, not to get on my healthy high horse or anything, but wasn’t this just a matter of time? It is no secret that Americans are among the fattest, most unhealthy people on planet earth. It is also no secret that Southern Americans are among the fattest, most unhealthy people in this country…ergo…Rednecks (a.k.a. Rural Americans) are the fattest people known to science.
In addition, it’s not like health professionals just recently started warning us about fat, cholesterol and carbs. That has been the mantra for decades now.
(Full disclosure: I am eating Chili Cheese Fritos as I write this…an irony which is not lost on me.)

I can imagine this announcement must have been difficult for Paula Deen. After all, the revelation of her diabetes will surely serve as validation for every douchebag food snob in America. But as Deen herself noted, the fat-laden, artery-cementing Southern favorites she cooks on television are not meant to be eaten on a daily basis. Fellow celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain has had much to say about Deen in his typical eff you style. Strange that a former drug addict would criticize someone else about health issues (reference ‘Kitchen Confidential” or one of his other books to learn about his past disregard for his own life and health).

I grew up in the South. Southern food is what it is – delicious and deadly. You can’t consume that much butter, saturated fat, and sugar without expecting some negative impacts on your health. Obesity, diabetes and heart-related illnesses are more common in the South than in other parts of the United States. (btw, I still contend that obesity is not a ‘disease.’ Cancer is a disease. Nobody forced you to eat like that.) Until people in the South incorporate exercise and sensible foods into their diets, conditions like type-2 diabetes will continue to ravage the population.

I included a photo (above) of Deen’s doughnut burger, referenced by Anthony Bourdain in this story. Let’s recap – burger, bacon and a fried egg on a glazed doughnut instead of buns. Jeebus…that unholy invention just flies in the face of a half century of solid medical research. Still, it’s probably pretty damn tasty. I’ll be licking my fingers in between jolts from the defibrillator.

Bottom line: Until Americans get serious about health and longevity, there will always be a certain percentage of our population who dies prematurely from completely preventable conditions. There is a fairly robust consensus among health professionals that a diet rich in sweet tea and chicken fried bacon will lead to an untimely demise. Our modern sedentary lifestyles (see below) are not conducive to maintaining a healthy body. Paula Deen’s fatty Southern comfort foods and newly-revealed diabetes should serve as a cautionary tale to others - you can’t eat like every day is the state fair.
(Full disclosure: just finished my Chili Cheeses Fritos…strangely guilty and satisfied all at once…guiltified?)

MSN - Can't make it out for a Whopper? Burger King just might bring it to you. The fast-food chain has begun delivering to homes in Washington, D.C., USA Today reports. If the test goes well, the King may expand the service to other cities. The orders have to be fairly substantial -- $8 to $10 at a minimum, depending on the store -- and Burger King adds a $2 delivery fee.
**Apparently, drive-thru fast food joints just aren’t convenient enough for some folks. New in 2013: Burger King will send an employee to your home to hand feed you a Whopper one bite at a time, eliminating the need to get up off the couch at all.

The Politics of Envy, according to Romney

2012-01-13T11:02:00.002-06:00

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- According to Mitt Romney, the nation's growing focus on income inequality is all about envy. "You know, I think it's about envy. I think it's about class warfare," the leading Republican presidential candidate said Wednesday on The Today Show. Romney has accused President Obama of promoting the "bitter politics of envy." The president is ramping up his talks about the nation's growing income divide and the shrinking of the middle class. He is focusing on the tax benefits afforded to millionaires and executives. Romney, who is one of those millionaires, is taking a different path. He says he's distancing himself from what he calls "a very envy-oriented, attack-oriented approach." Instead, he is talking about making America a merit-based society, rather than an entitlement society. "I believe in a merit nation, an opportunity nation where people by virtue of their education, their hard work and risk taking and their dreams -- may be a little luck -- could achieve great things," he said Thursday at a campaign rally in Florida. About two-thirds of the public believes there are "very strong" or "strong" conflicts between the rich and poor, according to a Pew Research Center report released Tuesday. That's up 19 percentage points since 2009.
**Mitt Romney – A man of the People. And, by ‘people,’ I mean rich white people. If you doubt for a minute that politicians are vile, self-serving douchebags, consider this. At a stop in Florida last summer, Romney commiserated with a group of unemployed workers saying that he, too, was unemployed (alluding to his bid for the White House). What he didn’t tell them was that his reported personal net worth approaches $250 million, so unlike those to whom he was speaking, Romney can probably afford to take a little time off. Now, Mitt Romney is telling NBC’s The Today Show that the current discussion about income inequality is rooted in envy. WHAT?!? Romney says that President Obama is promoting the “bitter politics of envy” by drawing attention to the shrinking middle class and the benefits afforded to the fabulously wealthy. WHAAAAT?!? Romney wants to make this country a merit-based society versus an entitlement society. WHAAAAAAAAAA?!? Ok, my head is spinning…give me a minute.

Look, Mitt Romney was forged from the very template of white, wealthy, elitist, exclusionist society. You know who never complains about the status quo? Rich people. Why? Because they got super-rich by doing things the way they have always been done. That’s why Obama’s focus on income inequality bothers Mitt Romney so much – his personal fortune is now on peoples’ radar.

Romney’s statements trouble me for a lot of reasons. Full disclosure – I am part of the shrinking middle class Obama is referring to. I work hard, and make enough to keep the lights on, but let’s just say my plans for a multi-million dollar beachfront home are on hold for now. Romney makes a few assumptions that bother me.
Assumption: Middle class folks are envious of wealthy folks.
Reality: That’s just bullshit. Sure, a little more cushion between me and homelessness would be nice, but I’m happy and thankful for what I have. Romney is missing the point that millions of Americans are out of work and out of their homes right now. Do voters really expect a man who is sitting on a quarter billion dollar$ to be in touch with the concerns of regular, working people like yours truly?

Assumption: Poor people are poor because they lack drive or education.
Reality: Like me, you probably know a lot of people who are out of work right now. Are they unemployed because they are lazy or uneducated? Or, is it because they fell victim to an economy that has been in the shitter since 2008? Personally, I am really upset at the notion that lower income folks and folks who need to utilize government assistance are either unmotivated or uneducated. To me, that generalization is not only untrue, but offensive. There are a lot of college grads out there waiting tables right now.

Assumption: President Obama is promoting class warfare.
Reality: President Obama is drawing attention to something which has been in existence since the invention of money – some have more than others. Do wealthy people get some tax breaks? Sure they do...rich people are rich because they have figured out how to stay rich. They have legions of accountants and lawyers advising them on how to keep their fortunes intact. I don’t fault them for that. The fabulously wealthy like Mitt Romney probably don’t want a bunch of attention drawn to the fact that they are fabulously wealthy. Is President Obama playing on the crappy economy to push his own legislative agenda? Well, probably. Poor people like me didn’t seem to be as angry at rich people twenty or thirty years ago. To be certain, there was definitely an income gap back then…it just wasn’t on the radar for a lot of middle class people. And frankly, I totally get that.

Wanna know why I wasn’t part of the Occupy movement? Because I had to work every day. I couldn’t afford to take a month off from work to go sit in a stinky tent, updating my Facebook with a MacBook. I was too busy with my own life to worry about rich people, or anyone else for that matter. That’s how the status quo becomes the status quo. People go about their own lives unconcerned about what others are doing with theirs.

I am not going to vote for Mitt Romney. Not because he is Mormon (though, frankly, that is kinda wacky). Not because his stocks made him more money before lunch today than I will make in my entire career. No…it’s about perspective. Is ivy league-educated, corporate-raiding, multi-millionaire Mitt Romney in touch with my middle class concerns? Don’t count on it. I have said this before, and I still believe it – I want a President who knows what a hard day’s work feels like. A man or woman who has come home at the end of a day reeking of something. I want a President who has known and dealt with adversity in their own life. I guess, basically, what I want is a President of the United States who comes from a middle class background like me.

Passive Aggressive Photo Op 2

2012-01-12T13:17:00.002-06:00

Meet Vermin Supreme

2012-01-12T11:08:00.002-06:00

So, how do you know when you’re not exactly an ‘A-List’ candidate for President of the United States? Single digit support in the national polls? Maybe. You are a panelist at the “Lesser-Known Presidential Candidate Forum?” Perhaps. The Presidential hopeful seated next to you is wearing a giant rubber boot on his head? Well, sure…that’s a red flag.
One of the great things about American democracy is that anyone can be President. One of the unfortunate things about American democracy is that, literally, anyone can be President. Hence, Vermin Supreme (probably not his real name). True, gingivitis is an issue which has been conspicuously absent from mainstream politics this election season. And, many Americans would likely appreciate Supreme’s promise of a free pony for every man, woman and child.

Would I like a President who is tough on gum disease? Would I like a free pony in my backyard? You’re damn right I would, but I would rather have a steady job and a solid economy. Is a Presidential candidate who wears a boot on his head that much wackier than one who wears special underwear to protect him from evil? Not really. Is a Presidential candidate whose energy policy is to harness the awesome power of zombies that much crazier than one who wants to open our national parks to oil drilling? Not in my book. Would it be cool to have a President of the United States who looks like Gandalf? Damn straight it would.

Vermin Supreme may not be a serious contender in the 2012 Presidential election…but his chances are still better than Rick Perry’s.

This Blog? Another Nostradumbass Prophecy

2012-01-10T16:28:00.001-06:00

(CNN) -- Hip hop star Snoop Dogg faces a drug charge after border agents searched his tour bus along the same stretch of a west Texas highway where singer Willie Nelson was busted in 2010, a Texas sheriff said. Snoop Dogg, whose real name is Calvin Broadus, "freely admitted" that three prescription bottles filled with marijuana cigarettes were his, a statement from the Hudspeth County, Texas, Sheriff said. The rapper, like Nelson, is an outspoken proponent of pot and he is known to have a license to use prescription medical marijuana in California. He was cited for possession of drug paraphernalia, given a court date of January 20 and released, the sheriff said. Willie Nelson settled his November 2010 Hudspeth County pot bust with a plea deal that reduced his marijuana possession charge to possession of drug paraphernalia and imposed a $500 fine. The west Texas prosecutor who handled Nelson's case had suggested Nelson, a treasured icon in the Lone Star state, could pay just a $100 fine if he'd serenade the court with his 1975 hit "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain." The judge quickly vetoed that offer. "You can bet your ass I'm not going to be mean to Willie Nelson," Hudspeth County Attorney C.R. "Kit" Bramblett told CNN at the time. Bramblett was in court Monday and unavailable to comment on how he might handle Snoop Dogg's prosecution.
**So, what’s weird about Snoop Dogg getting busted for pot? Well, nothing. Snoop has made a career rapping about weed. So, what’s weird about Snoop Dogg getting busted for pot in Hudspeth County, Texas? Well, nothing much except that Willie Nelson also got popped there in early 2011. At that time, the Hudspeth County prosecutor extended an offer that Willie Nelson could pay a $100 fine and sing “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain” in the courtroom. So…what’s weird? Here’s a quote from my March 2011 post about the incident:
“Willie Nelson is so famous that state and federal law don’t seem to apply to him. Seriously, do you think Snoop could get busted with 6oz and get off by performing “Gin and Juice” in the courtroom?”

Once again, Idiots Walk Among Us has unwittingly predicted future events with startling accuracy…just like I did with Amy Winehouse’s untimely death – because NOBODY saw that one coming.

Idiots Walk Among Us – Tomorrow’s News Today

RIP Customer Service

2012-01-10T11:25:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, I called a customer service number and was on hold for 47 minutes before someone picked up. During those 47 minutes, I had ample time to contemplate the things I might have gotten accomplished were it not for the time I was spending on hold. When someone finally picked up, I expressed my frustration with the hold time and was completely blown away when the person on the phone was neither apologetic nor particularly helpful. This, or course, led me to ponder the state of customer service in general. Take a look at this.

Have we grown so accustomed to shitty customer service that, on the odd occasion when we actually do get good service, we don’t know how to handle it? I don’t know about you, but when I go out to eat, my assumption is that my waiter will be every bit as incompetent and indifferent as most every other waiter I encounter when I go out. This assumption has a fairly robust basis in fact. For every one waiter who does their job well, there are ten who serve a meal and are never seen or heard from again. And, I know it’s not just me being a dick because it’s not like I have unattainable expectations. I don’t expect that my waiter will clairvoyantly pick up the vibe that I need more jalapeno ranch for my extreme buffalo chicken quesadilla poppers…but it would be nice if I could get a drink refill inside a half hour. Maybe it’s because I used to be a waiter, but when I do get a good one, I tip them well. I know the soul-sucking dignity vortex that is food service. I have, on more than one occasion, asked a restaurant patron the following:
Waiter Me: So, how does everything taste?
Current Me: Food…It tastes like food. Now piss off.
Waiter Me: (to Current Me) Hey, can you do me a favor?
(hands Current Me large steak knife)
Current Me: Sure, I guess.
Waiter Me: (pointing to jugular vein) Can you just cut me right here? That’d be great!

It’s a sad statement about our society that lackluster customer service has become the norm. A couple days ago, I returned some Christmas gifts to our local SprawlMart. As you might imagine, the line for Customer Service was a lengthy one. The young woman handling the returns had that look in her eyes…she was definitely dead inside. Another victim of a retail machine that chews people up and spits them out. I wonder if these are the jobs Washington keeps saying they are creating.

The ironic thing about my 47 minute phone call was the automated hold message. “Your call is important to us…” Really? If my call is so important to you, why does it take the better part of an hour to talk to someone? “Due to unforeseen circumstances, you may experience a long wait…” If the circumstances were truly unforeseen, why is that part of the automated message I hear every time I call? There are lots of epidemics in this world – AIDS, bird flu, global warming…and indifference. At some point in our collective history, we stopped caring about ourselves and everyone else. Why? I’m not sure, but I think it has something to do with the size of our society.

Consider for a moment that you are a Neanderthal. You’re hungry, but there won’t be an Applebee’s for thousands of years. Ok, no biggie. There’s a mammoth right over there…Mmm, tasty. There’s only one problem. You and your walnut-sized caveman brain do not have the intellectual fortitude to take down a 3-ton mammoth with your tiny stone tool. What to do? Get some homies. Ten Neanderthals with ten stone tools might be able to do this.
One caveman = hungry
Ten cavemen = Mammoth fajitas
There was a time when people needed others to survive. That’s why early man lived in communities – they could pool their efforts and resources. Now? Not so much. I don’t need to gather a bunch of dudes to go hunting for food. I can go to the store all by myself, thank you.

Unfortunately, our big juicy modern brains have all but eliminated the necessity for living in groups. Our society has gone from tribal to cyber, replacing one on one communication with Facebook (LOL). Hence, the mentality behind my 47 minute phone call. When we have no incentive to treat each other well, we don’t. The proliferation of digital media and impersonal cyber-communication has given rise to a generation of young people who do not know how to effectively communicate with each other. Empathy has become as endangered as any species on this planet.
What I wanted to hear: "I’m terribly sorry you had to wait so long." (empathy)
What I actually heard: "That’s not too bad. Most people wait over an hour." (indifference)

Until human beings are replaced by super-intelligent cyborgs, there will be a need for customer service people. While we’re waiting, it would be nice if we instilled in young people some sense of empathy and/or professionalism. I hate to think that I am raising a child who would treat another person with the cold indifference I have grown accustomed to experiencing. Today’s zit-faced goth teen is tomorrow’s hipster Apple store employee. We should make it a priority to teach these kids some interpersonal skills before those skills are rendered obsolete by emerging technology. Making it through life without ever interacting with another person will come soon enough…let’s not rush it.

Salt Lake - Gayest City in America

2012-01-10T09:23:00.000-06:00

(CNN) - Salt Lake City, Utah, is known for breathtaking mountain scenery, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the 2002 Winter Olympics. But today it was also named the Gayest City in America by The Advocate magazine. The Advocate ranked cities according to its own admittedly nonscientific criteria, including the number of gay and lesbian bookstores, elected officials who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, and some edgier metrics like the number of International Mr. Leather competition semifinalists and the presence of nude yoga classes.
Here are the top 15 "gayest" cities, as ranked by The Advocate:
15. Denver, Colorado
14. Long Beach, California
13. Austin, Texas
12. Portland, Oregon
11. Little Rock, Arkansas
10. Grand Rapids, Michigan
9. Atlanta, Georgia
8. Knoxville, Tennessee
7. St. Paul and Minneapolis, Minnesota
6. Ann Arbor, Michigan
5. Seattle, Washington
4. Fort Lauderdale, Florida
3. Cambridge, Massachusetts
2. Orlando, Florida
1. Salt Lake City, Utah
**Watch your back, Salt Lake – Orlando is one gay city councilman away from claiming the top spot. And if your town didn’t crack the Top 15? Don’t worry...there’s always next year, so gay up!

Unintended Consequences

2012-01-06T12:09:00.003-06:00

MSN - A runaway 15-year-old Texas girl who was deported to South America after claiming to be an illegal immigrant could soon return home. Jakadrien Lorece Turner, a Texas teen was deported to Colombia after providing a false identity. A U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement official said the teen gave authorities a fake name when she was arrested in Houston last year for theft. The name was of a Colombian woman born in 1990, and Turner maintained the name through deportation proceedings. Jakadrien's family says she left home in November 2010. Houston police said the girl was arrested on April 2, 2011, for misdemeanor theft in that city and claimed to be Tika Lanay Cortez, a Colombian woman born in 1990. The Colombian Ministry of Foreign Affairs said Jakadrien was issued travel documents at the request of the U.S. National Security Agency and with information submitted by U.S. officials. Colombian officials are investigating what kind of verification was conducted by its Houston consulate to issue the temporary passport. According to the Colombian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, the girl was enrolled in the country's "Welcome Home" program after she arrived there. She was given shelter, psychological assistance and a job at a call center, a statement from the agency said.
**So…let me get this straight. I can’t carry an adult sized bottle of shampoo onto a commercial flight, but a teenage girl can be issued travel documents by the National Security Agency without so much as a proper ID check? Now that’s some tight security! Note to runaway teens: Be sure the fake name you give the cops will not result in your deportation to a third world shithole.

(CNN) -- A U.S. Navy ship rescued 13 Iranian sailors from pirates in the Arabia Sea, a military spokesman said Friday. The destroyer USS Kidd responded to calls for help from the Iranian-flagged dhow Al Molai, which had been hijacked by pirates two months ago, Navy Capt. John Kirby said. A Navy team boarded the ship, took 15 pirates into custody and sent the dhow on its way, Kirby said. A dhow is a type of sailing vessel frequently used for commercial transits in the Persian Gulf and Indian Ocean. The Iranian captain thanked the crew of the Kidd for their help, Kirby said. The Kidd is an Arleigh Burke-class destroyer assigned to the USS Stennis carrier strike group. Earlier this week, Iranian officials warned the United States over the presence of the Stennis in the region. The state-run news agency IRNA quoted Maj. Gen. Ataollah Salehi as saying that Iran was "ready to severely react against any threat" should the Stennis return to the Persian Gulf, where it had been patrolling before moving to the Arabian Sea, according to U.S. officials.
**See, this is what I love about the United States – taking the moral high ground. In the same week that Iran not-so-vaguely threatened the U.S. to stay out of the Persian Gulf or risk a blockade of the Strait of Hormuz, the U.S. Navy rescues 13 Iranians from pirates. You’re welcome, buttholes.

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (CNN) - Ron Paul’s campaign is flooding South Carolina mailboxes with a letter calling Newt Gingrich a “counterfeit conservative.” Reprising attacks that have surfaced in other Paul mailings and web videos, the Texas congressman paints Gingrich as a closet liberal. “Newt Gingrich has a long record of liberal appeasement, flip-flopping on key issues, and lobbying for insider millions,” the letter reads. “I have rarely seen a candidate who represents so much of what is wrong with Washington and what is wrong with our political system." Paul accuses Gingrich of supporting health insurance mandates, backing TARP and siding with Nancy Pelosi to promote “the anti-business ‘global warming’ agenda.”
**”Newt Gingrich is a counterfeit conservative and a closet liberal,” says Libertarian-turned-Republican candidate Ron Paul. “Newt Gingrich has a long record of...flip-flopping on key issues, “ says Paul, who flip-flopped political parties to run for president in 2012. What a hypocritical bunch of bullshit.

(CNN) -- A meal containing the world's most deadly mushroom is responsible for killing two people and sickening another in Canberra, Australian health officials said Friday. The meal, which contained death cap mushrooms, was part of a private meal served at a restaurant on New Year's Day, the Australian Health Directorate said. The Sydney Morning Herald reported Friday that a chef made the meal for three friends at a Chinese bistro in Canberra. The chef and a 52-year-old Chinese woman died at a Sydney hospital, while a third person was in critical condition, the newspaper reported.
**The chef’s untimely death meant restaurant patrons could not enjoy the planned main course – fugu (it’s a Japanese blowfish that...it’s not funny if I have to explain it). You know, I have had occasion to consume a few varieties of shrooms over the years, with varying results (some tasty, some trippy), but it was always with fair degree of certainty that I was not consuming the deadliest mushroom on earth. I dare say that if there is even a remote possibility that your appetizer will send you to the Great Beyond, you should probably skip ahead to the cheese course. What pairs best with a death cap mushroom risotto? Maybe a nice pinot?

Passive Aggressive Photo Op

2012-01-06T10:47:00.001-06:00

Made me laugh.

Modern Art - Epilogue

2012-01-05T11:28:00.003-06:00

MSN - A 36-year-old woman was charged Wednesday after punching, scratching and sliding her buttocks against a painting worth more than $30 million, authorities in Colorado said. Carmen Tisch is accused of pulling her pants down to rub up against the work, an oil-on-canvas called "1957-J no.2", by the late abstract expressionist artist Clyfford Still. Tisch allegedly caused $10,000 worth of damage to the painting. Tisch was charged with felony criminal mischief on Wednesday and has been held on a $20,000 bond since the incident in late December, said Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the Denver District Attorney's Office. Citing the police report, the Denver Post reported that the suspect was apparently drunk at the time.
**I posted my feelings on modern art a couple weeks ago. Spoiler Alert: It’s all crap. Have a look at “1957-J no. 2” by Clyfford Still. Is it a good painting? Sure, I guess it is. Could you find something comparable in any preschool in America? Why, yes...yes you could. There seem to be two secrets to creating influential modern art. One, do it before anyone else. Today’s weird bullshit is tomorrow’s masterpiece. And two, you have to wait until you die to make any money. Still’s painting may be worth $30 million in 2012, but my guess is that the canvas it was painted on was worth more in 1957.

Drunken art critic Carmen Tisch is accused of punching, scratching and rubbing her bare buttocks on Clyfford Still’s multi-million dollar piece. There is a part of me who thinks Tisch might have been making an ironic statement about Still’s work by sliding her ass on it, but more than likely, she just got wasted and went to the art museum. This blog noticed that Tisch seems to have a bit of her own artwork...on her neck. I have also posted my feelings on tattoos over the years. Getting a tattoo on your neck says several things about you as a person – mostly that you never, ever plan on having a good job. Getting a horribly conspicuous tattoo when you are 22 years old working at the funky coffee shop downtown is one thing. Now, fast forward fifteen years. That funky girl from the coffee shop is now a 37 year old mother of three kids from three different guys.

I’m so curious about what is going to happen to these kids who get themselves covered in tattoos. Sure, it’s cool when you’re 19, but how are you going to feel about it when you’re 40, or 50? What are the grandkids going to think about Paw Paw having “Thug Life” scrawled across his hairy chest? How will the children react when they find out Mee Maw has a blurry butterfly just above her wrinkly ass cheeks? Today’s kids have obviously not thought ahead when choosing to get themselves covered head to toe in tattoos – an act traditionally reserved for circus performers and carnival ride operators.

My experience tells me that one’s choice of tattoo (both in number and location) speaks volumes about one’s own judgment, or lack thereof. Hence, the creepy woman peeking out between Carmen Tisch’s boobs, and the apparent diamond on her neck. I say ‘diamond’ based on the sparkle lines emanating from it. Could also be a Dorito. So, should it come as any surprise that a woman with such questionable judgment about her personal appearance would punch, scratch, sexually assault and possibly urinate on, a $30 million modern art ‘masterpiece?’ I think not. Hell in a hand basket...that’s where we’re going as a society.

I used to drink...a lot. And, when I was drunk, I used to do some stupid, reckless things. Of course, wiping my ass on a $30 million painting was never one of them. I like her statement, though. Modern art is complete bullshit, and I would probably have done the same thing if I had the nerve...and a bottle of Crown.

What Women Want

2011-12-29T14:17:00.002-06:00

Top Ten Traits Women Look for in Men

This article is from the MSN Lifestyles page. These always make me laugh…let’s dig in.

Faithfulness
More than 8 out of 10 women rated "faithful to me" in the top 10 attributes they find sexy in a man. A woman's tendency toward attachment is a biological imperative, a matter of raising offspring right. Reassure her (often) that you're not going anywhere.
**If you don’t believe God has a sense of humor, I give you this. A woman’s biological imperative is attachment. A man’s biological imperative is scoring with as many women as he can before his sperm are no longer viable. Is it any wonder men and women don’t understand each other?
Dependability
Three out of four women say they look for a man who makes commitments and follows through. Being responsible—even if it's just remembering to pick up salad dressing on your way over to her place—sends a positive signal that someday you might commit.
**Ironic that three out of four men are afraid of commitment and never follow through on anything.
Kindness
Young women may still fall for the bad-boy type, but more-mature women are turned on by kindness, because kindness inspires confidence. In other words, if you treat the waitress well, your date figures you'll treat her well, too.
**I whole heartedly disagree with that. Even older women are still attracted to mysterious, dangerous men. That’s why guys are more likely to attract females with faded Levis and a worn leather jacket than with Dockers and a sweater vest. That’s why Bella married Edward instead of Jacob in that horrible, formulaic Twilight sequel. (Editorial note: Yes, that Twilight movie totally sucked ass, but I have a scientific bone to pick with the movie’s producers. By definition, vampires are not living, thereby making it impossible for Edward to get Bella pregnant. Jacob, by contrast, is Hungry Like the Wolf…literally…and would have been a far more sensible choice for baby makin.’ Sure, they’re both hunky, but Jacob was the clear choice based on the fact that he was still alive. I wonder if a Bella-Jacob baby would have been a half werewolf…or does werewolfism skip a generation like male pattern baldness?) Guys – be kind to the women in your life, but in measured doses. There’s a reason they say nice guys finish last. Excessive kindness is a one-way ticket to the Friend Zone.
Sense of Humor
Being able to laugh at the stresses of this world is a must, according to the women on our panel. You get bonus points if you can make them laugh. Humor tells a woman that you can laugh at—read, handle easily—the many difficulties that life throws at you.
**Stresses That Make Me Laugh My Ass Off:
Crippling unemployment
Global financial instability
Increasing Healthcare Costs
I know…fucking hilarious, right men? I’m currently at an age where stress isn’t funny – it contributes to things like heart attacks and strokes. If I’m unable to laugh these things off, it’s not because I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s because those things are really fucking scary. Apparently, men get bonus points for being able to make a woman laugh. Ok, ladies…you hear the one about how women are like computers? How many points do I get?
Intelligence
A worldly, interesting man is a man she likes to show off. Men who are take-charge problem solvers make women feel secure, and men who are always improving are never boring.
**So, let’s recap. You ladies want a faithful, dependable, kind, funny, worldly and intelligent man. Ok, I’m sure they’re out there somewhere. They’re already married or gay, but they’re out there. BTW, a take-charge, problem solving man might make you feel secure early on in the relationship, but he’ll be a controlling misogynist later on. Not that I know.
Passion
Why have women always melted for musicians? Because rock stars are passionate in public. Women like displays of passion because they're not accustomed to seeing them from men. Get passionate about something: kayaking, impressionistic art, barbecuing, or Habitat for Humanity. It's proof that you care for and about something beyond yourself.
**Ok, guys. Time to get passionate like a real man…you know…about impressionist art. Huh? No wonder most men are confused. We’re getting mixed signals. Holding hands under the table at dinner is fine, but a quickie in the bathroom at the truck stop off the interstate isn’t cool. Damn, ladies – make up your minds.
Listening
Pay attention. A woman feels safe and secure when she knows her man will put down his BlackBerry and listen to her. Magic words: "I'm here. Tell me everything."
**Mmm….tacos. Huh? Oh yeah, listening. Men- put down your Blackberry and listen to your special lady. Listen to her endlessly drone on and on about her mother or that bitch at her office who keeps giving her dirty looks. Yep, that’s quality time together. After that, you can watch her update her Facebook status for a half hour…but stay off that Blackberry.
Magic words for her: “I’m here. Tell me everything.”
Magic words for him: “Hey, you want a beer after I clean this off my face?”
Romancing
Romance appeals to a woman's right-brained, less-logical side. Every woman fantasizes about being swept off her feet. Romance is bold because you're displaying your desire for a woman and revealing a softer, more vulnerable side that women find irresistible.
**Ok, here is the proof that what women want from men is completely contradictory and impossible to achieve. According to this, women want a soft, vulnerable man to sweep her off her feet. This man must also be a passionate, take-charge problem solver. There’s a clinical term for a person like that – schizophrenic. So, be careful what you wish for, ladies. Your soft, vulnerable take-charge problem solver may also be hearing voices that tell him to kill you in your sleep.
Sense of Style
The way you dress reflects on the woman you're with, and she knows it. The man who knows how to match a patterned shirt and tie will notice when she's dressed well, too. (And maybe he'll pay for the Blahniks.) Keep your tailor and your dry cleaner busy, and spring for posh, touchable fabrics like cashmere, suede, pima cotton, and brushed corduroy.
**If the way I dress reflected the woman I am with, then I would be wearing a sweatshirt from college and yoga pants right now. She may clean up well, but it’s not like you’re going to be in Vera Wang sitting around watching American Idol. The man who knows how to match a patterned shirt and tie is probably a man who is gainfully employed…isn’t that enough in this troubled economy?
Handsome Face
The science of attraction, which has been studied ad infinitum, says it's all about symmetry. Imagine you have a dotted red line (Nip/Tuck style) vertically through the center of your face, down your nose. Are your features similar in form and arrangement on both sides of the line? Do your eyes and ears match up? The closer one side mirrors the other, the more attractive you are. Women in cross-cultural studies have also ranked men with broad chins, high cheekbones, and large eyes as the most attractive. Best way to improve your looks: Smile more, and make certain your sideburns are even.
**So, that’s the message you want to send the fellas? Sure, you can be a sensitive, funny, dependable, passionate, romantic, intelligent, well-dressed listener…but if your face isn’t perfectly symmetrical, then she’s kicking you to the curb. That’s good stuff. No wonder guys are afraid of commitment.

Let me give you ladies a little insight into how guys think. First of all, let’s collectively acknowledge that no one man can possess all of these qualities simultaneously. No such man exists. Like I said, if he does, he is probably already married or gay.
Faithfulness
If you want your man to be faithful…give him a reason not to have a wandering eye (i.e. be his wildest fantasy)
Dependability
If you want your man to be dependable, then don’t give him a hard time when he screws up (and he will screw up)
Kindness
If you want your man to be kind, then be kind to him. You will definitely reap what you sow
Sense of Humor
If you want your man to make you laugh, then be able to laugh at yourself also
Intelligence
If you want your man to be a take-charge problem solver, then do not be critical of his solutions…even if he is wrong
Passion
If you want your man to be passionate, then understand that displays of passion can also be yelling at the TV after a bad call on Monday Night Football
Listening
If you want your man to be a good listener, then be a good talker. Men are like boys with ADHD…they can’t focus on what you’re saying for more than a couple minutes. Keep it concise and to the point
Romancing
If you want your man to be romantic, then don’t be surprised when he sometimes wants to pull your hair during sex. Romance for men is different than it is for women. Your TV has lied to you.
Sense of Style
If you want your man to be stylish, then be willing to accept whatever his style is. Trendy and fashionable, or jeans and a t-shirt. We’re not all cover models…neither are you, for that matter.
Handsome Face
Everybody wants to be with an attractive partner. I would only caution you ladies that you must be careful what you expect from your man. He might also be shallow and superficial like you.

Stars We Lost in 2011

2011-12-29T12:44:00.002-06:00

Celebrities You Probably Didn’t Realize Died in 2011:
Jane Russell (her enormous breasts will be exhibited at the Smithsonian in 2012)
Rapper Nate Dogg (pour one out, y’all)
Elizabeth Taylor (who is survived by, like, 14 ex-husbands)
Rapper M-Bone (currently teaching Jesus how to dougie)
Actor Jeff Conaway (his career preceded him in death by several decades)
Springsteen Saxophonist Clarence Clemons
‘Jackass’ star Ryan Dunn (binge drinking + high speed driving = death….who knew?)
Singer Amy Winehouse (totally didn’t see that one coming…a real tragedy)
Apple Co-Founder Steve Jobs (mourned by Occupy protesting hipsters the world over)
60 Minutes contributor Andy Rooney (when you’re 92, any death is ‘natural causes’)

2012? Meh.

2011-12-28T11:57:00.002-06:00

res•o•lu•tion
rɛz əˈlu ʃənShow Spelled[rez-uh-loo-shuh n] Show IPA
noun
1.
a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution.
2.
a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.
3.
the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.
4.
the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

This is typically the time of year when folks make resolutions for the coming year. You know, losing those extra pounds or some other admirable thing. Personally, I don’t put much stock in making new year’s resolutions. Not because there is no value in it, but because my own resolve is sketchy at best. The numerous unfinished projects around my house stand as monuments to my propensity for doing things half ass. That’s why, historically speaking, I have not made too many new year’s resolutions.
January 01: “I am going to start working out 3 times a week.”
March 01: “I am going to start working out twice a week.”
June 01: “Man, I really need to start working out.”
October 01: “I am going to get the laundry off my treadmill and work out.”
December 31: “I am going to start working out 3 times a week.”

I am not sure why people wait until the beginning of a new year to start doing things. Sure, I get that it’s a fresh start…a renewal of sorts, but is it any more feasible to start Weight Watchers in January than it would have been six months ago? Is the dead of winter really the best time to start a workout program? Science has shown us conclusively that your bed is at its warmest and comfiest during the winter months, making it a herculean act of will just to get up and hop on the elliptical (an act which, ironically, mimics skiing but without the snow and fun). I dare say an act of will that is usually beyond my scope of things which are possible.

2012, however, may just be the year for me to finally make some resolutions that stick. Why? Simple – the Mayan Apocalypse. December 21, 2012 is the end of the Mayan calendar, so we may all be in the final year of life on planet earth. Like me, you may be saying to yourself, “But there aren’t any Mayans around anymore, are there?” To that I say, aren’t there?...
aren’t there?
Sure, the Mayans mysteriously disappeared from the cities which took them centuries to build, but I’m sure there is a logical explanation…I mean, other than extraterrestrials. Much has been made of the fact that the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. I wonder if anyone has considered that there may not have been any Mayans around to make a new one. The calendar on my desk ends on December 31, 2011. Does that make it the end of the world? Fortunately, I can go to Barnes & Noble in the mall and buy a new one…no human sacrifices required.

And so, we leave 2011 behind us and begin the new year with a sense of hope and a renewed optimism about the world…which will promptly be crushed by any number of global financial crises, the spread of terrorism and worldwide political unrest. Happy New Year!

I seldom make new year’s resolutions, but here are few empty promises which will probably go unfulfilled in 2012. I resolve to:
1. Lose 10 pounds, then put it back on again.
2. Enter the 2012 World Beard & Moustache Championships in Las Vegas as the only clean shaven contestant.
3. Learn to speak Mayan so that, when the end of the world comes, I’ll know what they’re saying.
4. For health reasons, hunt and kill my own food (the inconvenience of which will turn me into a vegetarian).
5. I don’t know…maybe take a cooking class or something.
6. Begin a career playing online poker. If that doesn’t work out, write a screenplay.
7. Drink more…because no one EVER resolves to drink more.
8. Be at peace with the fact that I grow hair vigorously everywhere except on my head where I want it.
9. Write the great American novel…or just keep writing this shit blog.
10. Acquire 1 million followers on Twitter, then lose them all with one offensive post.
11. See Europe. Or see Europe vicariously through Rick Steves on PBS.
12. Complete the first item on my bucket list…watching “The Bucket List” on Blu Ray.
13. Go
a. Sky diving
b. Rocky Mountain climbing
c. 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu

In 2012, I hope to finally write a blog post that’s witty and insightful. If that doesn’t happen, there’s always 2013…unless you’re Mayan.

Shooting Probably Accidental...No Sh*t

2011-12-20T16:26:00.001-06:00

FREDERICKSBURG, Ohio — A man cleaning his muzzle-loading rifle shot the gun into the air, accidentally killing a 15-year-old Amish girl driving a horse-drawn buggy more than a mile away, a sheriff said Tuesday. Rachel Yoder was shot in the head Thursday night while traveling to her home in Wayne County, between Columbus and Akron. She had attended a Christmas party for employees at an Amish produce farm and was riding home alone when she was shot, Wayne County sheriff's Capt. Douglas Hunter said. The man had fired the gun in the air about 1.5 miles from where Yoder was shot, Hunter said. State investigators were checking the rifle for a ballistics match, he said. "In all probability, it looks like an accidental shooting," Hunter said.
**Gotta love how law enforcement handles the media. I guess they can’t ever say what actually happened...they have to say what “allegedly” happened. This young Amish girl was shot by a guy who was a MILE AND A HALF away. Yet, the sheriff’s department spokesman said, “it looks like an accidental shooting.” REALLY?!? You can’t definitively say it was an accident?!? Either it was unintentional, or the shooter was the most badass sniper in the history of firearms.

Bachmann - Winning Hearts and Minds? Not

2011-12-19T13:10:00.001-06:00

Clarion, Iowa (CNN) - Republican presidential contender Michele Bachmann continued her super-charged bus tour across Iowa Sunday, attending several more events to shake hands and sign autographs. Her events have been largely of the meet-and-greet variety - get in and out as fast as she can. The campaign has instituted a "no questions" policy at a majority of her stops this weekend to keep things moving, and that generally applies to both the media and to Iowa voters. Quentin Hill, an 18-year-old student at the University of Iowa, said he wanted to ask her a question as she worked the room but was told ahead of time not to. "They weren't taking questions today. I asked one of her staffers and I was kind of shut down as soon as I started asking," Hill said, adding that he wanted to ask her about the issue of gay teen suicides. "I think if you want to be president of the United States, first of all you have to realize that you are representing all Americans including gay Americans and secondly you should be able to answer questions," Hill said. "If you want my vote, I want to know what you stand for. So I think it's unfortunate that she comes and shakes hands and signs some signs and thinks she's going to get votes out of that."
**For me, this campaign season has been a crash course in how NOT to handle the media. Sure, Michele Bachmann has consistently been a gaffe machine, but most of her GOP rivals have joined in at one time or another. Rick Perry and Herman Cain have each made their fumbles. Ron Paul babbles too much to decipher whether he is making a fool of himself or not. Jon Hunstman and Rick Santorum probably have some legitimate points to make, but are getting lost in the glare of the spotlight surrounding the GOP frontrunners. Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, though, have emerged relatively unscathed from the series of Republican debates.

So, with the all-important Iowa caucus just around the corner, GOP candidates are making last minute appeals to Iowans in the hope of winning their votes. One might think that now would be the time to make your case to the people of Iowa directly – clarifying your platform, making impassioned speeches, fielding questions from potential supporters....right? Not if you’re Michele Bachmann. In the midst of her bus tour across the state, the Bachmann campaign has instituted a ‘no questions’ policy during her campaign stops. WHAT?!? Let me get this straight – you want to win the hearts and minds of Iowa voters by pulling into town, signing a few autographs, and blowing on to the next stop? What does that tell Iowa voters about your character, other than the fact that you’re an incompetent asshole?

The Bachmann campaign is blowing a golden opportunity to pull in some new supporters in Iowa by getting down in the trenches with voters. C’mon...roll up your sleeves. Answer some questions – even the tough ones. That way, if Iowans don’t give Bachmann their vote, it will be because they don’t like her platform, not because she is an elitist bitch. I don’t know about you, but my choice for President would ideally be someone who knows what it is like to struggle a little bit in life. Take Mitt Romney, for example. Does Mitt Romney know what it feels like to work two jobs just to keep the lights on? I doubt it. A man who’s worth a QUARTER BILLION dollars hasn’t had dirt under his fingernails for quite some time.

What’s the answer? I don’t know, but I do know this – Michele Bachmann is alienating more voters than she is winning. What does it say about Washington that being an ‘outsider’ is considered advantageous? That was the crux of Rick Perry’s Iowa sales pitch over the weekend. I think the prevailing opinion of many Americans is that Washington politicians are, by and large, wealthy white elitists who are woefully out of touch with average Americans like yours truly. True, they enjoy job perks that most working Americans can only dream of – like free healthcare for life. The laws of the land also do not seem to apply to our elected officials. For example, insider trading is perfectly legal for members of Congress, whereas you or I would go to prison.

The truth is, whether your next presidential candidate is a Washington insider like Gingrich, or a self proclaimed outsider like Perry, there is a system in place in our nation’s capitol which has been centuries in the making. Our system of government was structured specifically so that no one person could change the way things are done. That’s why we broke up with England. Any candidate who tells you they are going to ‘shake things up’ in Washington is full of shit. They can’t – it’s impossible. And it’s impossible by design.

To me, a Washington insider would be preferable to someone whose common sense is blinded by their idealism. Look, your candidate is going to be compelled to become part of the Washington system anyway...wouldn’t you rather vote for someone with a zero learning curve? A guy like Newt Gingrich has been in Washington for decades. I’m willing to bet he has all kinds of contacts, people who owe him favors etc.

You may not like the idea of having an ‘insider’ as President, but I would argue that a candidate who knows how things really work in our nation’s capitol is a pretty decent idea. Politics is a dirty business. I’m sure there are lots of shady back room deals that define the course of our collective destiny. I think Americans need to shed the image of our President as a knight in shining armor, and see the office for what it really is. Dealmaker-in-Chief.

Like I always say, find out what the candidates stand for vote for them based on the issues, not on how they look on TV.

Modern Art

2011-12-15T11:18:00.005-06:00

I don’t get modern art. I wish I did. I want so much to be one of those coffeehouse art snobs that sit around sipping unpronounceable drinks, expounding on the ‘exquisite profundity’ of a red dot on a white canvas. My company moved into a new building this week. This building is located in one of those trendy suburbs, bursting at the seams with nouveau riche douchebags driving Range Rovers with reindeer antlers on the roof. Mmm…campy.

Anyway, there are a couple of paintings hanging in the lobby. I say ‘paintings,’ but really one might achieve comparable results by putting a blank canvas on the floor of the paint department at Home Depot, letting the drippings accumulate. Et voila! And, now we have arrived at the creamy center of my argument. To me, art is created by an artist – a person who, presumably, has some level of skill and/or talent. Hopefully, a person whose abilities exceed those of a second grader, who is just as likely to ingest the paint as they are to paint with it. The paintings hanging in the lobby of my building do not seem to have been created by a person of any exceptional artistic skill. The title of a contemporary painting most often belies its’ pretentiousness.
What it’s called: “The First Winter Snow on St. Olaf’s Basilica”
What it really is: A white smudge on a brown background

A few years ago, I took my son to the Dallas Museum of Art to do something ‘cultural.’ We strolled through the exhibits – I think there were some sketches by Matisse. We wandered into the modern art section and were confronted with something utterly baffling. A bunch of mirrors sticking out of a pile of sand. I believe the piece was probably by the late artist Robert Smithson, but I do not know the name of it. It was similar to the one pictured above. Look, I apologize in advance to any modern art scholars out there for my ignorance. Smithson’s work was probably ground breaking and all, but from my Joe Sixpack point of view…it was a bunch of mirrors sticking out of a pile of sand. What made the experience funny was that, apparently, my son and I got too close to the mirrors sticking out of the sand because we were approached by some visibly irate security people directing us to step back from the sculpture. I nodded politely as we took a couple steps back, but in my head I’m thinking, “It’s not like this is the Mona Lisa or anything…relax.”

Again, no disrespect to Robert Smithson, but the sculpture I saw would be a pile of construction debris under any other circumstances. The piece was created in the late 1960’s, so maybe that’s why it was so important. I don’t know. I have been around since the late 1960’s, and no one is paying admission to see me. Maybe it’s all in the timing. Seems to me that if you make something weird that everyone thinks is crap…all you have to do is wait. In 50 years, you will be hailed by art snobs as a genius…a visionary, decades ahead of your time. Think about how many painters died penniless in their own time, only to be celebrated as masters of their craft decades or centuries later. Vincent Van Gogh sold one painting during his lifetime…that’s only one painting more than me.

Maybe I am just an unrefined heathen, but I think modern art is crap.

Gingrich Too 'Zany' Says Romney

2011-12-15T08:34:00.002-06:00

(CNN) - Mitt Romney escalated his criticism of Newt Gingrich's temperament Wednesday, calling the former House speaker "zany" in an interview with The New York Times. "Zany is not what we need in a president," Romney said, two days after he blasted Gingrich for his "erratic outspokenness." In his sit-down with the newspaper, Romney said Gingrich's behavior served him well on the campaign trail, but would be disastrous in the White House. "Zany is great in a campaign. It's great on talk radio. It's great in print, it makes for fun reading," Romney said. "But in terms of a president, we need a leader, and a leader needs to be someone who can bring Americans together."
**"Zany is not what we need in a president," said the Presidential candidate who wears special underwear to protect him from evil and whose god resides on planet Kolob where he revealed his plan for mankind via ‘golden plates’ inscribed with hieroglyphs which could only be translated by a guy peering into rocks in his hat. Yeah, Newt's the zany one...

Ah...Internet

2011-12-13T13:50:00.002-06:00

It's more than just a global porn network.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

2011-12-08T12:41:00.003-06:00

You know, I love me some old school metal as much as the next guy, but God help this man’s poor neighbors. Looks like this guy takes the whole holiday lights thing pretty seriously. You may remember this same house from Halloween.

I love decorating for Christmas to a point…you know, maybe a faded plastic Santa from the 70’s on my roof or my nativity scene on the lawn (only 2 out of 3 wise men are there. I lost the black one years ago…not out of bigotry…He just got lost in the shuffle when I moved). Tasteful Christmas decorations are fine. A Christmas lightshow that can be seen from space is another matter. My neighborhood goes particularly crazy around the holidays. It’s like north Dallas turns into Vegas for a month or so. The same neighborhood which refuses to collectively celebrate Halloween seems to celebrate the birth of Christ with a vengeance. And what better way to honor the King of Kings than with a gigantic inflatable polar bear? (Jesus must be beaming with pride!)

Neighbors – unless you live in a Unabomber-style shack in the woods, we all have them. Nothing you can do about that. I’m not sure what the mentality was post-war that we decided as a nation to squeeze as many baby boomers as possible into the smallest parcel of land we could find. I don’t know where people lived prior to WWII…farms, I guess. My neighborhood was built around 1960. I suppose that’s at the tail end of the post-war building orgy, but the end result is the same – row after row of virtually identical homes spaced as close together as humanly possible. My neighbor’s kitchen window is an arm’s length from my own…literally.

I don’t know about your neighbors, but in my ‘hood, most of the residents are…how shall I say…relatively recent additions to our great nation. Lamentably, those of us who grew up here are now in the minority. And during the hispanification, I have noticed some very definite cultural and linguistic differences between us. First, the holidays. On Halloween night this year, most of the lights were out…signaling trick-or-treaters to keep moving. Pity. I love Halloween. My neighborhood celebrates Dia de los Muertos – Day of the Dead. Ok, whatever culture you are…why wouldn’t you want to celebrate a holiday where you get bags full of free candy?!? I’d observe Ramadan if I got a free Snickers out of it (a regular one…not the ‘Fun Size.’ There’s nothing fun about a tiny, tiny candy bar).

Folks in my neighborhood don’t really do much for the Fourth of July, either. This gets under my skin mostly because my new neighbors should be the most enthusiastic Americans I know. I mean, who has more to be appreciative of than the recent immigrant to our country? I come from an immigrant family, so I know better than most how many freedoms we enjoy in America. Nope…no flags or banners, but my neighbors will throw down hard on Cinco de Mayo. (and before you send me an indignant email, yes…I know Cinco de Mayo is not the Mexican equivalent of July 4th).

The language barrier between me and my neighbors is a real deal breaker. I know a fair amount of Spanish. Enough to order food and get my lawn mowed, but not enough to carry on a conversation. It’s a shame, really. I’m sure some of my neighbors have interesting stories to tell…how they had to leave their families and come to a new, forbidding land…how they managed to elude authorities for so many years etc… But, I believe that we should speak English in America. The United States has been an English-speaking nation since the time our forefathers herded Native Americans onto reservations, subverted their culture, and forced them to speak the Queen’s English instead of the richly diverse languages they had been speaking for centuries….USA, USA, USA !!!

But, the cultural differences are the most difficult to deal with. For example, blaring ranchera music from one’s backyard at 1am on a Thursday is frowned upon in America, but that seems to be the custom in Latin America. Likewise, drying one’s clothes in a machine, rather than by hanging them on the fence, is the preferred method in the United States. So, I guess that’s my beef with my neighbors – assimilation, or lack thereof. Pride in your race and cultural heritage? Of course! But, don’t forget the country that welcomed you (or gave you amnesty), fed you, clothed you. Enjoy your own traditions, but make it a point to enjoy ours as well.

Immigration is a huge issue this election season. I welcome anyone to this country who comes here legally, respects our laws and way of life, and makes a contribution to our society. Here are some helpful tips for new Americans.
1. Keep your holiday decorations tasteful (no LED Virgin Marys, please)
2. Embrace Halloween (your kids will get free candy that you can eat when they’re asleep)
3. Put out an American flag on the Fourth of July (it makes white people more comfortable)
4. Learn to speak some English (you don’t have to be eloquent, just functional)
5. Please keep your tejano mix tape at a reasonable volume after 10pm
6. Please dry your clothes in a dryer, or purchase a clothes line

Thanks, and bienvenidos !

Interview Suit? Nailed It !

2011-12-06T13:16:00.001-06:00

Children Brainwashed by Muppets?

2011-12-06T12:58:00.001-06:00

**Wow! It’s good to know that the fine folks over at Fox Business Channel are focused on today’s really important issues…
Crippling economic recession?
Persistent unemployment?
Instability in the EuroZone?
Nope…Muppets. That’s right – as in, Kermit and Miss Piggy. Apparently, the ‘liberal media’ has been brainwashing generations of kids with their left-wing propaganda cleverly disguised as children’s educational programming. Maybe that’s why it’s called ‘programming,’ right Fox News? How slow does the news day need to be for The Muppets to be the subject of discussion on Fox Business Channel?

I have definitely become more conservative as I have gotten older, but Fox is conservatism run amuck.

Hey Fox News – how about discussing some real issues?

Study Says Stoners Are...uhh...umm...What?

2011-12-01T11:36:00.003-06:00

Slate - A new study suggests that legalizing medical marijuana reduces traffic fatalities. The authors noted that legalizing marijuana reduces alcohol consumption, and people are more wary of driving high than drunk. Which drug is actually more dangerous on the road? Alcohol, and it’s not even close. Real-world data from auto accidents indicate that a drunk driver is approximately 10 times more likely to cause a fatal accident than a stoned driver. In most studies, smoking one-third of a joint or less has virtually no impact on a driver’s performance. A couple of studies even suggest that pot smokers are less likely to cause an accident than sober drivers. No one’s entirely sure how to explain these results. The dominant hypothesis is that people are more likely to be aware of—and, more importantly, compensate for—their intoxication when high than when drunk. In the driving simulators, pot smokers drove significantly slower than the drunk drivers, even with researchers reminding them to speed up. They also gave the car in front of them a lot more room and were less likely to pass. Alcohol, on the other hand, increases risk-taking behavior. Drunk drivers drive faster, tailgate, and pass recklessly.
**I have a ‘friend’ who has regrettably driven under the influence of both drugs, and I can tell you from my ‘friend’s’ experiences that there is some truth to this study’s findings. Why are stoners ten times less likely to be involved in a fatal accident than boozers? Simple – speed. When you’re high, 20 miles an hour feels like Mach 2. A simple trip to the Quik-E-Mart for some Cheetos might as well be the Daytona 500 (this is what my friend told me). Of course, this study completely ignores the fact that many stoners don’t ever get on the road at all. Getting stoned makes your couch the most comfortable piece of furniture on the face of the earth. In fact, it takes a significant motivator for the pothead to extract his or herself from said couch. Paranoia is a well-known effect of THC on the brain. The last thing someone who’s high wants is for everyone else to know they’re high. That’s why, when they do get behind the wheel, they drive like there’s a state trooper in the passenger seat. Thank you, drug-induced paranoia. Thank you for keeping us all safe out there. Best to just stay home and think those deep thoughts.
The earth is spinning at 1,000 miles per hour, but it doesn’t feel like I’m moving at all....whoa.

A bird hunter in Utah was shot in the buttocks after his dog stepped on a shotgun laid across the bow of a boat. Box Elder County Sheriff's Deputy Kevin Potter says the 46-year-old Brigham City man was duck hunting with a friend 10 miles west of the city when he climbed out of the boat to move decoys. Potter says the man left his 12-gauge shotgun in the boat and the dog stepped on it, causing it to fire. It wasn't clear whether the safety on the gun was on at the time. A report on KSL.com said the men called 911 and walked to the main road to wait for emergency crews. Potter says the man was hit from about 10 feet away. He says the man wasn't seriously injured, in part because he was wearing waders. The Salt Lake City Tribune said the wounded hunter was transported to Brigham City Community Hospital about 9 a.m. Sunday, where doctors removed 27 pellets of birdshot. It said neither the dog, nor any ducks, were injured.
**When reached for comment about the accident, the dog said, “Um...yeah...accident.” A local news station reported that the man called 911 after being shot. Idiots Walk Among Us has obtained a copy of the transcript.
Operator: 911...what is your emergency?
Hunter: My dog just shot me in the butt with my own gun!!
Operator: Sir, this line is for emergencies only.
Hunter: This is an emergency! My dog shot me in the...
Operator: (click)
The Box Elder County District Attorney has not announced whether charges will be filed against the dog in the shooting. If indicted, the dog faces confinement in a crate and a smack with a rolled up newspaper.

Mexicans Selling Plasma in U.S.

2011-11-30T13:57:00.002-06:00

CIUDAD JUAREZ, MEXICO and EL PASO, TEXAS – Twice a week in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, Araceli Duran closes the small store she operates from her home and heads to what she considers “her other job.” After a three-hour journey by foot and bus, she arrives at the Talecris Plasma Center in El Paso, Texas where she and thousands of others, including Americans, legally sell the plasma in their blood. Plasma is the protein-packed liquid portion of the blood, it is mostly water, but also contains proteins that protect the body from infection and clot blood to control bleeding. Plasma is used in medical therapies to treat life-threatening conditions such as hemophilia, immune deficiencies and other blood disorders. “I can’t get used to this ...If I had a job I would not do it,” said Duran. “But we have no other choice.” She has been making around $65 a week for the past two years. Outside another plasma center in El Paso, Lluvia Soto counted her money. “This means, I will be able to buy food for my children in Juarez,” she said, adding that she makes more money donating plasma here than working full-time as a teacher back home in Mexico. Ciudad Juarez has been labeled one of the most dangerous cities in the world with one murder almost every two hours Since Mexican Pres. Felipe Calderon declared war against the drug cartels, the Mexican-U.S. border has become their battle ground. The Mexican government estimates that 35,000 people have been killed in the drug war, but others believe the number is higher.
**It is nice to see that Ciudad Juarez residents give up blood voluntarily sometimes. Say what you will..Mexicans and Americans are more similar than not. Lluvia Soto makes more money selling plasma than teaching kids. So, neither Juarez or Texas pay their teachers shit. Pity. Like you, this story leaves me with one lingering question:

If plasma is mostly water, do Mexican vampires get Montezuma’s Revenge?

Bin Laden Buns - They're Martyrific !

2011-11-30T11:32:00.003-06:00

(CNN) -- Naming a product after the world's most notorious terrorist may not seem like a surefire route to commercial success. For bakers in the Malawian city of Blantyre, however, just such a ploy is helping reel in the customers while ensuring that their produce has an unmistakeable identity. "We make bin Laden buns," said Mahomed Hanif Valimamade, co-owner of a patisserie within the city named the Portuguese Bakery. The standard bread rolls -- which are not exclusive to any one company and are produced by a variety of outlets in Blantyre -- were initially given their unconventional moniker by customers who likened their appearance to similar bread made in the Middle East, says Valimamade. On a good day, Valimamade claims, small bakeries like his own can sell as many as 2,000 "bin Ladens," adding that a large part of what makes them stand out is their attention-grabbing title. Namakhwa explains that businesses that have renamed their products to take on names like "bin Laden" and "Obama" are able to tap into socially driven events or popular trends that resonate with consumers in their daily lives. This, he says, makes the items more recognizable, easier to distinguish than their more conventionally titled competitors and, most important, more likely to sell.
**In addition to ‘bin Laden buns,’ local bakers also report swift sales of Hitleraisin loaf and Croissant Husseins. In a statement posted to an Islamic jihadist website, Al Qaeda said it plans to bring suit against Malawi, claiming trademark infringement.

Stuff from the Internet What Made Me Laugh

2011-11-29T13:11:00.011-06:00

Thinning the Herd

2011-11-29T12:58:00.001-06:00

(CNN) -- Embattled Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain told his staff Tuesday he is "reassessing" the viability of his campaign in the wake of a new allegations he engaged in a lengthy extramarital affair, CNN has learned. Cain spoke directly to his staff for about 10 minutes in a meeting and conference call Tuesday morning. He said during the meeting that mounting allegations of sexual impropriety "are taking an emotional toll on his family and that this is a very difficult time," according to Cain's Iowa chairman, Steve Grubbs. On Monday, Atlanta businesswoman Ginger White accused Cain of having had an affair with her that lasted nearly 14 years, a claim Cain immediately denied. In a written statement issued after the interview aired, Cain said, "I will not fight false claims as it is not what America needs or wants." "The American public is tired of dirty politics and smear tactics as evident of their tremendous outpouring of support for me, my family and my campaign this past month," he said. "I am running for president of the United States of America, and the reality is that there are individuals out there that favor the status quo of higher taxes, more government and political cronyism and they are afraid of a Cain presidency." White's emergence comes after two other women -- Sharon Bialek and Karen Kraushaar -- came forward earlier this month to accuse Cain of sexually harassing them in the 1990s while he was head of the National Restaurant Association. Two other women also have claimed Cain sexually harassed them while they worked at the association, but they have so far declined to be identified.
Cain has denied all accusations against him, but he has slipped in published polls since the allegations surfaced.
**Ah Herman Cain…what might have been. There go your hopes of a second African American President. Cain might have been able to dismiss Sharon Bialek’s claims of sexual harassment, but the scoreboard is clearly not in his favor. To date, four women claim to have been sexually harassed by Herman Cain and one woman is alleging a long-term sexual affair with the Presidential hopeful. If I understand Cain’s statements correctly, then all five of these women are lying. Uh…yeah. And what is the root cause of this smear campaign against Cain? “Dirty politics,” apparently. C’mon bro – is it dirty politics, or the fact that you couldn’t keep it in your pants?

I think Herman Cain needs to be less afraid of the media, and more afraid of Mrs. Herman Cain. Black women don’t put up with any bullshit.

Here’s what I don’t get. It’s not like Herman Cain is the first politician to be caught with his pants down. But, a long-term affair is a lot different than Tweeting pics of your wang to random chicks on the internet. They’re both hurtful. They both will likely end careers and marriages. But shouldn’t the subject of this affair come up when Herman Cain was considering a run for the White House? Cain and his staff must have known that people were going to be up his ass with a microscope from day one of his Presidential bid. Didn’t Cain know that this affair would become public at some point? My guess is that Cain’s staff was caught off guard by these allegations. If Herman Cain had been honest with his advisors about his philandering, they might have come up with an escape plan. But instead, Cain has positioned himself to simply deny the increasing number of allegations against him. They’re all liars aren’t they, Herman? Higher taxes, more government and political cronyism..that’s what this is really about, right? (bad poker face)

I ran some of Herman Cain’s comments above through a Politician to English translator. Here are the results:
“..mounting allegations of sexual impropriety are taking an emotional toll on my family and this is a very difficult time."
English: “Dude, this is bullshit. I told those bitches to keep quiet. I am so fucked.”

"I will not fight false claims as it is not what America needs or wants."
English: “I don’t think I can talk my way out of this. I am so fucked.”

“..the reality is that there are individuals out there that favor the status quo of higher taxes, more government and political cronyism and they are afraid of a Cain presidency."
English: “Dammit!”

So, let’s run down the list of GOP hopefuls to see who is left.
Never Had Chance in Hell
Hunstman, Santorum, Paul, Bachmann
Batshit Crazy (and possibly high on oxys)
Perry
Can’t Keep It in His Pants
Cain
Kinda Wacky Religious Beliefs
Romney
Still Viable
Gingrich

All Hail President Newt !!
All Hail President Newt!!

Making a Case for Religion

2011-11-23T12:21:00.003-06:00

This blog is a peculiar thing. Some days, I tackle deep philosophical issues, and other days, I post an emergency room x-ray of someone with an iPod up their ass. Ah, sweet freedom…how I love it so. Today is a deep philosophical issue day.

CNN ran an ‘iReport’ (filed by rookie reporters who can’t write or spell for shit) today about a billboard campaign (pictured) launched by American Atheists. Is a billboard featuring images of Neptune, Satan, Santa Claus and Jesus a tad…what’s the word…insensitive? Well, yes…I suppose it is. Yours truly visited their website for a peek inside the oft-misunderstood world of godless heathenism (kidding).

Make no mistake, American Atheists are just as fervent in their beliefs (or absence of them) as most religious folks are in theirs. How does this blog view the issue? Well, let’s go back to that billboard for a moment. Initially, I dismissed showing images of Christ and Santa Claus next to each other, but I now think it is actually a pretty good illustration of my point.

What do we know about Santa Claus?
1. Largely mythical figure based on a real historical person
2. Has been pictured many different ways over the years, making it impossible to know what the historical figure really looked like
3. Some people believe in him, some don’t
4. Brings happiness to millions of people

Is Santa Claus real? Of course not. We all found out years ago that there is no Sana Claus (Spoiler Alert). To me, the idea of Santa Claus is more important. Rather than being a literal fat guy in a red suit coming down the chimney, it’s symbolic of the love a parent has for a child. The reason adults keep the mythology of Santa Claus alive is because it’s a magical thing for kids. It’s an enduring image of absolute good in a world that, let’s be honest, has plenty of evil stuff going on. Kids will be exposed to all that soon enough. Santa Claus is an expression of the innocence and wide-eyed wonder children still have about the world around them. In other words, Santa Claus is fake but who cares?

Likewise, religion brings happiness and purpose to millions of people around the world. Theist or not, why is that such a bad thing? Rational or not, why would atheists dump all over something that brings some good into the world? Of course, the unfortunate flipside is that lots of atrocities have been committed in the name of God over the centuries. To me though, that is the fault of man, not God.

I used to be an agnostic. You know, one of those, “Ok God – if you’re real…prove it to me” people. I have gotten a bit more mellow and philosophical over the years. Like a rock worn smooth over time by a raging river, or the gradual blurring of cataracts. Ok, maybe that’s a bad example. I understand now what I did not as a young dude – it’s not God’s job to prove His existence to me. It’s my job to have faith in Him. However, I am familiar with the viewpoint of the other side, and there are some questions which persist in my mind.

Why would God give mankind the reasoning and scientific knowledge to doubt His existence?

Archaeological evidence and carbon dating techniques are clearly at odds with the Bible. Let’s be honest – Darwin makes a lot of sense. Look, taken at face value, a lot of stories in the Bible are pretty unbelievable. There is a strong case to be made for atheism. Here’s the truth – it’s easier not to believe. Believing whole heartedly in the inherently unbelievable takes a lot of faith, and a lot of strength. To a person of reason, believing in a supernatural being who created everything seems kinda strange. Here’s another question:

Is it possible that God gave us the power to doubt His existence as a test of our collective faith?

Maybe God wanted to weed out all the posers. Like God’s working the door at the hottest club in town, and he only lets certain people in. And the cover charge? Faith. Belief in the unbelievable. That’s how you get past security.

Whether you believe in religion or not, why not just leave everyone to their own system of beliefs?
Atheists – theists believe in something different than you…stop arguing and let them do their own thing.
Theists – atheists don’t believe in god. That’s just their thing. Quit trying to convert them.

To me, the idea of God makes a lot more sense than the belief in a literal supernatural creator. The idea of God brings millions of people comfort and happiness in a world that can be pretty shitty. I don’t understand how something that helps that many people can be a bad thing. The bottom line for me is that people of faith need to be tolerant, not only of each other, but of people who do not believe in God.

Hide the Children

2011-11-21T15:28:00.000-06:00

iPod in Your Ass - You're Doing It Wrong

2011-11-18T12:31:00.001-06:00

Cover Band 101

2011-11-17T13:14:00.005-06:00

So, I play in a bar band here in Dallas. I say bar band, but what I really mean is ‘cover band.’ My uppity musician friends have a hearty laugh over this fact. Twenty years ago, I was studying jazz at a prestigious music school. Now, I am playing cover songs in the suburbs. *sigh* You know what, though? Screw my uppity musician friends.
Them: Playing at midnight on a Tuesday for free in front of 7 people
Me: Playing all night on a weekend for decent money in front of a full crowd

Sure, I sold every shred of artistic integrity I had for a gig that pays good money, but so what? I can always play my own shit at home in my living room whenever I feel like it. Finally, my instrument is starting to pay for itself. Isn’t making money playing music the whole point of being a musician? Anyone who tells you, “it’s all about the music, man” is full of shit. Music snobs can suck me..at the end of the night, I’m going home with a pocketful of cold hard cash.

There are definitely some Do’s and Don’ts to playing cover songs. Here are some tips for aspiring sell-outs (in ascending order of awesomeness).
1. Keep your clothes on
If everyone in the band is shirtless, that’s a bad sign (unless it's an all girl band).
2. Tempo
If the drummer clicks off at 140 and you come in at 200…that’s not going to go well.
3. Learn the song
The whole point of playing covers is that they are recognizable to people. (e.g. this kid’s bassline)
4. Don’t Stop
It is counter-intuitive, but don’t stop playing even if you sound like shit. It gives the crowd a chance to heckle you if you stop. This drummer keeps jamming even as all the wheels come off this Guns N Roses cover.

5. The gig is in a Gymnasium
You need to fire your agent (who’s probably your dad...Christmas will be awkward).
6. Your parents are in the band
Speaking of your dad – if he’s on drums and your big sister is on lead vocals, that’s a bad sign.
On the plus side though, check out Slash Jr. with the rockin’ one-hand glove and no-look guitar solo. He’ll be playing clubs in a couple years while big sis will be waiting tables at Hooter’s.

Now we’re getting somewhere. But…
7. Tuning
A $1200 Strat’s gonna sound like a $199 Chinese knock-off if you can’t get it in tune. (digital tuner $29.99…worth every penny)
Back to #6 for a moment. Notice that Dad jumps up at 1:06 to tweak the PA. Nothing is more annoying than a band who spends their whole show messing with the sound. My rule?
8. Set it and forget it
A little more midrange isn’t going to make you sound like you have talent. Get a soundcheck in before you play.
This singer is moving around a bit, but unfortunately his bandmates are afflicted with ‘looking at the floor syndrome.’ Learn to play the song without looking at your instrument…that frees you up to check out chicks.

This clip illustrates why #3 is so important. Just because one guy in the band kinda knows the song doesn’t mean you should play it. I love Linkin Park, but this journey into heart of Guns N Roses was ill advised…especially in front of a stadium crowd. Doesn’t Linkin Park have enough of their own material? Just goes to show you – even a great band can be a shitty cover band.
9. Play the f**king song already!!
You’re not Eddie Van Halen. Nobody wants to hear a guitar solo before the damn song even starts. Then, he makes more dead air by doing a guitar switch before a single note has been played…ugh. This song starts at 1:04 – which feels like a half hour for your crowd. Play the f**king song already!!
10. Don’t take yourself too seriously
To their credit, at least these guys are having some fun with it – dressing vaguely like the band. Remember to put things into perspective. You’re playing cover songs, not trying to win a Grammy.
11. Attitude
People forget that the term ‘rock and roll’ is a euphemism for sex. The whole point of rock music is to impress the ladies. Sure, it’s music…but it’s really a mating display. That’s why accountants don’t have groupies. This singer is doing some great moves. That’s way better than those Filipino kids earlier with ‘looking at the floor syndrome.’ Even if your band sucks, attitude goes a long way. Just ask Axl Rose.

Here's the orignal...I didn't say best...I said original

Like I said, attitude goes a long way. Axl Rose is one of the most unlistenable voices in the history of music. It's like putting two cats in a bag, and listening to them fight each other to get out. Ironically, he's the only original member still touring with Guns N Roses. Pity. I wish it was the other way around. I could listen to Slash's legendary licks and go to Denny's after the show, where I tell my red-headed waiter I need more ketchup...and would it kill you to top off my coffee?!? Somebody's not getting a tip.

Insider Trading Legal for Members of Congress

2011-11-16T10:42:00.001-06:00

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1111/68271.html

Very seldom do I find myself saying, “Wow! What an interesting piece of investigative journalism!” But this story on 60 Minutes last weekend has me saying just that. Sure, I was briefly entertained by Dateline NBC’s ‘To Catch a Predator’ series, but you can only watch so many middle-aged men walk into a teenage girl’s house holding a six-pack of wine coolers and their penis. *yawn*

Insider trading (buying or selling securities based on non-public information) is illegal…like, going to prison illegal. If you or I were caught doing it, we would be prosecuted. Apparently, those same rules do not apply to members of Congress. It is perfectly legal for members of Congress to engage in insider trading. Who made it legal? Well…Congress did. That’s right. Congress gave themselves the right to engage in an activity which, in any other setting, would be super-illegal. This is yet another example of Congress giving itself a little kickback while it is considering which essential government services to cut for the rest of us. I urge you to read this story, or find the 60 Minutes clip online. Americans should be outraged by this.

The same members of Congress who use inside information to make money on the stock market and get free healthcare for life are the people who are deciding your future and the future of your family. Do you really think your elected officials have your best interests at heart? Don’t count on it. There is a simple explanation for the wealth gap in this country. Rich people do everything they can to stay rich – legal or not. So, while you are working two jobs trying to keep your bills paid, your elected officials are:
Trading stocks based on non-public information
Receiving no-cost healthcare for the rest of their lives
Voting on pay raises for themselves
Retiring with big, fat government pensions

Under any other circumstances, this would be called a SCAM.
Americans should be outraged by this.

Creature X - Species Unknown

2011-11-14T11:36:00.003-06:00

There’s something in my attic. I mean, something other than electrical wiring and an artificial Christmas tree from 1974. Something with claws that likes to jump around at 2am like my attic is a trampoline. What is it? Dunno.
Squirrel?
Raccoon?
Illegal immigrant?
Could be anything.

The thing about living in the South is that everyone has an opinion on how to do things. For example, Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and you’ll have several groups of turkey people. You’ve got your bakers, roasters, fryers, briners and smokers. And if you ask each one, their cooking method is the best. The truth is, there is a finite amount of time you can cook a turkey before it morphs into the dry, rubbery bird that sucks every drop of moisture from your skull. Unfortunately, the window of time in which a juicy, savory bird becomes turkey jerky can be measured in milliseconds. For the record, I am a turkey smoker…not because I like the smokey flavor, but because you can leave the damn thing in there all day long without drying it out. Leaves more time for beer consumption and the obligatory, tryptophan-induced coma that will surely follow. But, I digress.

About a week ago, it became apparent that a living creature had taken up residence in my attic. The pitter patter of little clawed feet could be heard clearly at such an unholy hour that immediate action was required. Being an arrogant human being, my assumption was that, since I am at the top of the food chain, capturing this critter would be pretty easy. Surely I am smarter than one of God’s less gifted creations, right?

Phase 1 – Shock and Awe
I never completed my wildlife biology degree, but my money was on this thing being either a rat or a squirrel. I got a trap from my local animal control office, and dragged it up to the attic in question. What do wild animals eat? Dunno, so I doubled down with some peanut butter and a bit of canned chicken. What rat or squirrel could resist such a tempting treat? Two days pass. The activity continues, but the peanut-chicken-butter remains untouched. Then, the shit got real. Over the weekend, Creature X makes an unexpected appearance in a kitchen cabinet, snacks on a cereal bar, and retreats to its attic refuge. In true Southern fashion, opinions were plentiful. Typically, those sentences start like this:
“See, what you gotta do is…”
Or
“Well, what you’ve got there is a…”
And so forth. Raccoon was now the culprit by majority opinion.

Phase 2 – Winning Hearts and Minds
Apparently, raccoons like tuna. I was not aware that raccoons were a sea-going creature, but biology was never a strong subject for me. I think raccoons just like tuna because it stinks to high heaven. I removed my peanut-chicken-butter and replaced it with a partially opened can of tuna. True to form, it stank like shit. “Ok, Creature X…come and get it.” Strangely, all activity stopped a couple nights ago. So, we have reached a détente of sorts. The stink-tuna remains undisturbed, and the attic has gone eerily quiet. Has Creature X moved on to another poor soul’s attic, or is it patiently lying in wait…looking for an opportunity to strike? No one knows, and I have now reached the limits of my knowledge of wildlife behavior.

So, I guess we wait. Several scenarios are possible.
Scenario 1 – Creature X has vacated my attic, never to return.
Scenario 2 – Creature X is waiting for an opportunity to infect me with rabies, or Hep C.
Scenario 3 – Creature X has expired in my attic – which should be apparent soon enough.

It’s an icy stand-off just above my kitchen. I will endeavor to keep you posted on the status of Creature X. Peanut-chicken-butter and stink-tuna have failed to entice in into my steely cage. Maybe I’ll put $20 in there – everybody has their price.

Laws of the Universe

2011-11-11T14:56:00.003-06:00

I am a man who believes in laws. The law of gravity, for example. I am confident that when I throw my Starbuck’s cup in the trash (screw you, recycle bin), said cup will be influenced by the earth’s gravitational pull in such a way that it will invariably fall just short of its’ intended destination. What goes up must come down…that’s a law. Freedom of speech is a law. That law allows me to stand in the middle of the grocery store and scream, “CNN’s Anderson Cooper likes to engage in aggressive assplay with other men!!” Of course, there is another law that allows him to sue me for saying that. You see, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction (there’s another law). So, our world is undeniably governed by certain principles which are universally true.

My second favorite law (just behind Murphy’s Law) is the Law of Unintended Consequences…also known as No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. Everything we do in life creates a ripple effect somewhere else – like a child’s playful splash off the coast of California turns into a devastating tsunami in Japan some hours later. Back in February of this year, I came across a video online about how even a novice criminal is able to hack into an Apple iPhone with relative ease. And like I do with all things, I wrote a blog about it. The blog I wrote was simply pointing out how vulnerable the iPhone is, and does not actually give any details about how to hack into the phone. Nor does the Fraunhofer Institute video I posted at the top of the screen give any usable information. Yet, my short blog post comes up first when you google any of the following phrases:
How to hack a stolen iphone 4
How to crack a stolen iphone 4
How to hack a stolen iphone
Stolen iphone hack
Hack into stolen iphone 4

Fraunhofer has changed their video now, but I made the title of their previous video the title of my blog post – “How to Hack a Stolen iPhone in 2 Minutes.” An unfortunate choice on my part because, apparently, lots and lots of people have accessed my post thinking, understandably, that I was giving directions on how to hack an iPhone. Au contraire, mon frère.

So, what have we learned here today? Remember kids – everything you do online stays out there somewhere forever and ever. Sexted a pic of your boobs to your boyfriend when you were in high school? In reality, you just sent that to everyone in your school. Uploaded a picture to Facebook of you playing flag football with the guys last weekend? In reality, your insurance company was watching and is going to deny your disability claim. Sent your friends a tweet complaining about your boss? Better hope your boss isn’t a follower because, if they are, you’re going to get fired.

Ah, the worldwide web. It’s more than just a global porn network. It’s seeped into every nook and cranny of our lives. As I have said many times, people under the age of 30 need three things to live: water, oxygen and Facebook. Don’t get me wrong, though. I acknowledge that the Law of Unintended Consequences also applies to yours truly. Hence, a stupid blog post about a German video on how to hack an iPhone has become the most Googled page related to that subject. There’s got to be a way to make money on this. Think man…think.

Anyway, just remember that as you’re posting things online. You never know who’s looking.

One Gaffe Too Many for Rick Perry?

2011-11-11T12:23:00.003-06:00

(CNN) -- After his infamous "brain freeze" that drew laughter and ridicule from his detractors, Texas Gov. Rick Perry poked fun at himself Thursday night while delivering the "Top Ten" list on CBS' "The Late Show with David Letterman." Perry sauntered on stage smiling, clapped his hands and saluted the crowd before rattling off the "Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses." Among them: No. 6: "You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude!"
No. 5: "Uh, El Nino?"
No. 4: "I had a 5-hour Energy drink six hours before the debate."
No. 2: "I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain."
No. 1: "I just learned Justin Bieber is my father."
Perry made sure he was in control of the jokes after Wednesday's GOP debate in Rochester, Michigan, when he said he would eliminate three federal agencies if elected president -- but could name only two of them. That produced a painful period of more than 50 seconds during which Perry tried in vain to remember the third federal agency. It ended only after Perry conceded that he could not remember it -- even after appearing to consult his notes. "Oops," he said. Operatives from the left and the right slammed the moment as a potential sign of Perry's campaign imploding. The New York Times quoted Mark McKinnon, an aide to former President George W. Bush, as calling the moment the "human equivalent of shuttle Challenger."
**Is this latest lackluster debate performance the final nail in Rick Perry’s faltering campaign? I guess we’ll see, but I do like his recovery from the incident. During a Q&A session after the debate, Perry said there are just “too damn many federal agencies.” I couldn’t agree more. And, I think it was a great move for Perry to appear on Letterman the night after the debate to deliver the Top Ten list. It shows voters not only that Rick Perry is a real human being capable of mistakes, but also that he has a healthy sense of humor – even about himself. Those are qualities that I really admire in a person. Are those qualities I look for in a leader of the free world? Uh…maybe not so much. Either way, it was a super savvy move by the Perry campaign to attack this situation head-on and with a sly grin. Frankly, I would much rather have a President with a spotty memory than one who:
Can’t keep his hands to himself (Cain)
Wears special underwear to protect him from evil (Romney, Huntsman)
Cannot distinguish between actor John Wayne and serial killer John Wayne Gacy (Bachmann)
Sometimes babbles incoherently like my paw paw (Ron Paul)

I have been watching the cable news shitstorm which has followed Perry’s brain fart the other night, and I am left wondering if anyone has bothered considering the situation from Perry’s point of view. Perry is well aware of the need for him to really kick ass in these GOP debates. His poor debate performance has met with much criticism in the media. So, this man must trot out in front of a bunch of blinding stage lights, dozens of news cameras, and a nationwide audience of potential voters scrutinizing his every word. On the spot, he must have intelligent, succinct answers to any question he might possibly be asked by a moderator whose job is to be an expert in politics and policies. Is it any wonder that Rick Perry might occasionally crack under that kind of pressure? Presidential hopeful or not, Rick Perry is still a human being just like the rest of us.

On the other hand, one of the responsibilities inherent in being President of the United States is being…well, Presidential. Confident, stately and eloquent. It is one thing for candidate Perry to go blank during a debate, but quite another for President Perry to lose it during the State of the Union Address. Like it or not, people all over the globe look to the United States as a world leader. The President of the United States is the standard by which all other world leaders are measured. This country needs a leader who will represent us with dignity and grace, not one who spaces out during live television events and shoots coyotes while jogging. The President of the United States is a figure who can pull the American people together in times of trouble and give us hope for the future.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” - Theodore Roosevelt
“…ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."
- John F. Kennedy
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” - Bill Clinton
“Dude, this play totally sucks…Ow, my head!!” - Abraham Lincoln

The office of the President of the United States has several key powers associated with it – executive order, veto power, and the power to irreparably embarrass us as a nation on a global scale. For me, the question to ask yourself during these GOP debates is not which candidate’s economic plan is best, or which candidate’s views on immigration are best, but rather, which candidate would look the least like an asshole as President.

Rick Perry’s baffling black out during the most recent debate should not be what sinks his campaign. What should sink his campaign is the fact that you never quite know what is going to come out of Rick Perry’s mouth. Our country needs a leader who is dignified and well-spoken; not one whose speeches leave people wondering if he was high on pain meds. On the other hand, at least no one has gone public with accusations that Rick Perry sexually harassed them. That’s more than can be said for soon-to-be-former-GOP front runner Herman Cain. I still like Herman Cain, but too many women have come forward with accusations for there not to be some truth to it.

Some polls now have Newt Gingrich in a dead heat with Romney and Cain. I’m not sure what to think about that. Newt Gingrich has a pretty impressive Washington resume: 10-time US Representative, Speaker of the House, Time Magazine’s 1995 ‘Man of the Year.’ But, I just don’t know that I could get used to a President named Newt.

UN: This is what we have feared. Iran has threatened to launch its’ nuclear arsenal against the West. What are we going to do, Newt? Help us, Newt…

It just doesn’t have the same pop as previous presidential names – George, Tom, James, Ulysses, Dwight…those are names that belong to a real man’s man. Would you rather go fishing with Teddy, or Calvin? Whose Superbowl party would you rather go to: Harry or Rutherford? Image is everything in 2011. That’s why presidential candidates have to play the media carefully. That’s why they have an army of consultants making sure they don’t say or do anything to damage their chances of being elected. Let’s be honest – the 2012 election has as much to do about image and perceptions as it does platforms and policies. Sad but true. I guess that’s the world we live in.

Duggars to Have 20th Child

2011-11-08T13:39:00.003-06:00

CNN - Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, stars of TLC's "19 Kids and Counting," are expecting their 20th child this spring. "We are so excited," says Michelle, 45, who is now about three-and-a-half months into her pregnancy and due in April. "I feel good. I am past the sickness stage now."
The Tontitown, Ark., couple, who are parents to children Joshua, 23 (who is married to Anna, 23 and has two children, Mackynzie, 2 and Michael, 4 months), twins Jana and John-David, 21; Jill, 20; Jessa, 19; Jinger, 17; Joseph, 16; Josiah, 15; Joy-Anna, 14; twins Jedidiah and Jeremiah, 12; Jason, 11; James, 10; Justin, 8; Jackson, 7; Johanna, 6; Jennifer, 4; and Jordyn, 3, weathered the medical emergency of their youngest daughter, Josie's birth on Dec. 10, 2009.
She was born following Michelle's preeclampsia diagnosis at a mere 25 weeks, weighing only 1lb., 6 oz. One completely new aspect of this pregnancy? Michelle will have her very first scheduled Cesarean section since Josie's premature birth required a special cut on the inside of her uterus. "I've never had a planned C-section," Michelle says. "So this one will be different."
**Ok, I know the Bible says ‘be fruitful and multiply’ but..Jeebus...that’s a lot of kids. Let me emphasize this timeline – Michelle Duggar has given birth to 19 children in 22 years. Octomom and Jon & Kate combined have given birth to fewer children than Michelle Duggar. And what’s one more, really, when you get to this point? It is worth noting that all of Michelle Duggar’s 19 children have been born vaginally…yeah. No point in doing kegels…she’s already pregnant again. You can only blow up a balloon so many times before it just isn’t fun anymore.
Maybe it’s because I grew up in a small family, but, shouldn’t the Duggars stop procreating at some point? She’s had more buns in her oven than Mrs. Baird (ok, that may be a regional joke. If you don’t have Mrs. Baird where you live, please substitute Cinnabon). Plus, they’re making infertile couples feel worse, right? Isn’t 20 kids just running up the score? And, they do that annoying thing where all their kids’ names start with the same letter. Ugh…hate that! A couple more kids, and the Duggars will either have to move on to the letter “K,” or name their kids some weird, unpronounceable ethnic name like Jafar or J’Qwan.

Either way…you’ve secured your legacy, Duggars. Time to stop having sex.

Michelle Duggar: (to vagina) Well, we’ve had a good run, but…

Voters 'Uncomfortable' With Romney's Faith

2011-11-08T11:07:00.003-06:00

WASHINGTON (CNN) – A poll released Tuesday painted a picture of a religious electorate that has a strong preference toward religious candidates. According to the Public Religion Research Institute survey, two-thirds of voters (67%) said it is either very important or somewhat important for a presidential candidate to have strong religious beliefs. At the same time, the electorate is split over their comfort level with a specific religion, Mormonism, and the prospect of a Mormon serving as president. A majority of voters (53%) said they were somewhat or very comfortable with a Mormon president, while 42% said a Mormon president would make them somewhat or very uncomfortable. According to the study, all the data, "reveals that a substantial number of voters (42%) express concern about a Mormon becoming president." The October Religion & Politics Tracking Survey was conducted between October 19 and October 23 over the telephone. The 1,019 respondent survey comes with a plus or minus 3 percent margin of error.
**Granted this is a small phone survey, but one has to wonder how American voters will respond to the possibility of a Mormon President. By all accounts, Mitt Romney still leads the Republican pack of candidates, and has stayed consistently at the top for quite some time. Rick Perry’s media bumbling and Herman Cain’s apparently busy hands might well keep them both out of the White House. Like many voters, you may be wondering, “What’s Mormonism all about?” Would it really be such a big deal to have a Mormon President? That will be decided in November 2012.

Let me preface what I am about to say with this: I believe one of the most fundamental rights we have as Americans is freedom of religion. This country was founded by people who were escaping religious persecution, something with which early Mormons were all too familiar. I have Mormon friends (that’s the religious version of ‘I have black friends’) who are successful, well-regarded members of my community. In my experience, Mormons are every bit as all-American and devout as any other religious group. Ok, then. Let me frame my take on Mormonism this way.

Let’s say you are shopping for groceries at your local MegaMart, when you are approached by a young man who tells you the following:
1. that he uses stones in his hat to find buried treasure
2. that he had a dream in which an angel revealed the location of several ‘golden plates’ on which were inscribed Egyptian-style characters that only he was allowed to see
3. that God was seated on a throne located on planet Kolob, a place where a day is equivalent to one thousand earth years
4. that the color of Native Americans’ skin was the result of a curse for their sinfulness
5. that the Garden of Eden is actually located in Jackson County, Missouri, USA

You would frantically be calling the authorities, right? I mean, this guy is either schizophrenic or a junkie, right? Ok, again..I am not here to bash anyone’s religion, but taken at face value, it’s not hard to understand why almost half of American voters are uncomfortable with a President whose God lives on planet Kolob.

But, that is our American system of government. Our people (and by ‘people’ I mean the electorate) vote a President into office. I never thought I would see an African American President of the United States in my lifetime. Is having a Mormon Commander-in-Chief really so out of the question? The only thing that troubles me is, the details of Joseph Smith’s revelations are pretty sketchy…let’s be honest about it. Here’s a guy who spent part of his young life using “seer stones” to reveal the location of buried treasure. That, by itself, is not as troubling as the fact that Smith used this same technology to translate the ‘golden plates’ which only he could see. If the golden plates were still in existence today, the Book of Mormon would be irrefutable, but unfortunately, the angel Moroni took the plates away from Smith. But, here’s the thing…

Religion is about faith. Believers have faith in something they cannot see or touch. They believe their religion to be true because trust in the unseen is the basis of faith. There is not a person on earth who has actually seen Jesus Christ, the Prophet Muhammad or the Buddha, but believers take their teachings on faith, with the understanding that their faith in the unseen will be rewarded later on (eternal life, 72 virgins, enlightenment etc.). For Mormons, the eternal reward is an opportunity for the faithful to become a god themselves through exaltation. And now we have arrived at the crux (no pun intended) of the argument evangelical Christians make about the Mormon Church.

Evangelical Christians believe that the Bible is the literal Word of God – if it ain’t in there, it didn’t happen. The Mormon belief in the uber faithful ascending to God status seems at odds with the Ten Commandments..something in there about ‘Thou shalt not have any Gods before Me’..and so forth. In addition, Joseph Smith offered a revised version of the Bible, which further infuriates evangelical Christians, which frankly, I can understand. Who are we to edit the Word of God?

Let’s be honest…religion in general sounds pretty wacky when you try to explain it to people. Did a young Joseph Smith really find golden plates revealed to him by an angel? Well, that depends. Did Jesus really feed thousands of people with five loaves of bread and a couple fish? There is no way to be certain, but as a believer, you accept it as part of your faith.

I think religion is important for a lot of reasons. I think it promotes good values, and generally brings out the best in people. Honestly, the story of the Book of Mormon sounds a little suspect to me, but it brings joy and comfort to millions of people, so that can’t be a bad thing. Whether or not I believe the Garden of Eden can be found in Missouri is not the issue. Religion tends to foster forgiveness and mercy in its followers, so I am in favor of it. Let’s be honest…the human condition can be pretty miserable – war, hunger, disease. God’s promise to us is that, if you believe in the unseen, you will be rewarded for your faith later on.

Sure, I am a little concerned about a President of the United States whose religion was founded by a guy who used stones in his hat to translate golden plates an angel told him about, but I have faith – faith that our American system of government is the strongest on earth, and that whoever occupies the White House next will do their best to serve the interest of the American people. Whether Christian, Jew, Muslim or miscellaneous, we could all use a little faith right now. It's all about perspective. Forty years in the desert is less than an hour on Kolob.

For Sale: Everything About You

2011-11-01T12:04:00.004-05:00

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- Your phone company knows where you live, what websites you visit, what apps you download, what videos you like to watch, and even where you are. Now, some have begun selling that valuable information to the highest bidder. In mid-October, Verizon Wireless changed its privacy policy to allow the company to record customers' location data and Web browsing history, combine it with other personal information like age and gender, aggregate it with millions of other customers' data, and sell it on an anonymous basis. That kind of data could be very useful -- and lucrative -- to third-party companies. Verizon (VZ, Fortune 500) is the first mobile provider to publicly confirm that it is actually selling information gleaned from its customers directly to businesses. But it's hardly alone in using data about its subscribers to make extra cash. All four national carriers use aggregated customer information to help outside parties target ads to their subscribers. On its AdWorks website, AT&T touts its ability to "reach customized audience segments based on anonymous and aggregate demographics." It then shows customers carefully tailored coupons, in-app ads and Web ads. Sprint, like Verizon, tracks the kinds of websites a customer visits on their mobile devices as well as what applications they use, then uses that data to help third parties target ads to customers. "At the end of the day, we're getting to a situation where customers are the products that these wireless companies are selling," said Nasir Memon, a professor of computer science at New York University's Polytechnic Institute. "They're creating a playground to attract people and sell them to advertisers. People are their new business." There's a lot of money to be made in the largely untapped local advertising markets. A BIA/Kelsey study from March predicts that U.S. local online ad revenues will reach $42.5 billion annually in 2015.
**Yeah, let that sink in for a moment, smartphone users. You know, my ‘dumbphone’ may not allow me to update my Facebook status while I’m driving, but on the other hand, my personal information isn’t being pimped out to any advertiser who’s looking to sell me something. My phone may be 0G, but at least I am secure in the knowledge that my Web browsing history is between me and my PC (and it’s not talking).

Look, smartphone technology is probably valuable for a lot of people, but I think it’s safe to say that most everyday smartphone users are not doing anything particularly important with their shiny new high-tech devices. For me, the reality is that, between work and home, I am seldom very far from internet access. If I travelled for work, though, it might be a different story. Imagine this: You live alone and are out of town on business. You ‘check in’ with your smartphone in Fort Lauderdale, far from your home in Fresno. An enterprising Fresnoan criminal sees that you are out of town, and knows he or she can bust into your house with little chance of being caught. Sounds feasible, right?

I think our tech devices know too much about us. Every major carrier in the United States has openly acknowledged that they sell users’ data to advertisers. They can call it ‘aggregate demographics’ all they want – the bottom line is that your cell phone carrier knows who you are, where you are, what you’re doing, and potentially, what you’re buying. That is a HUGE gold mine for carriers, and you’d better believe they are cashing in on it, to the tune of $42.5 billion, apparently. And let’s not discount the fact that this might also be a huge gold mine for enterprising criminals. If your iPhone is linked to your bank account (for online purchases, or one of those bar code-reading apps etc.), is it really that big a leap in logic to assume that the same technology which allows you to purchase a fancy, unpronounceable coffee drink with your smartphone also allows criminals to glean your valuable personal information? I think not.

This certainly is an issue of privacy. Do you really want ads sent to your smartphone based on your Web browsing history? Wouldn’t it be socially awkward to interrupt your quarterly sales meeting with a pop up message from the hardcore European foot fetish site you ‘accidentally’ landed on last week? Of course, but I also think there is a larger issue here as well. And that is an issue of consent. My feeling is that if you were to ask smartphone users if they would agree to have their personal information sold to third parties, most people would decline. So, why is it acceptable that customers of all major carriers in this country seemingly have no choice in the decision to make their demographic information available to advertisers? Look, your cell phone carrier is making money on you twice – once with your bill, and again by selling you out to a third party without your explicit consent.

This may be a naïve view of things, but isn’t the economy consumer-driven? If you had the choice to switch to a carrier who didn’t sell your information to anybody…all things being equal (throughput, features and pricing etc.)…wouldn’t you do it? I would. My ‘dumbphone’ doesn’t know who I am or what I purchase, and I like it that way. Not because I am paranoid, but because I value my personal information and don’t wish have it pimped out to any third party marketers. I used to joke about conspiracy theorists who wear aluminum foil on their heads so the satellites can’t read their thoughts. I am now re-thinking my stance on that because, as it turns out, it isn’t that crazy after all.

Am I the only one who thinks SkyNet sounds a lot like a telecommunications company?
Today – smartphone collects your personal information
Tomorrow – post apocalyptic future ruled by machines

I don’t know about you, but I am getting my aluminum foil hat ready.

Anything Goes in Connecticut, Apparently

2011-10-28T12:29:00.003-05:00

I feel a rant coming on, but probably not until next week.
The subject? Memes.
Here's a preview:
Hey unfunny, 17-year-old who can't spell - come up with some original content for Memebase. Try posting something that doesn't involve Futurama, the Dos Equis guy, Bear Grylls or anything based on the movie "Inception." And so forth...see you next week!

Halloween Decoration WIN

2011-10-28T12:12:00.002-05:00

This video has logged almost 4 million hits in the week it has been up on YouTube.
Not shown: the dozens of car wrecks caused by people looking at this house.

Gentlemen's Rant - Halloween

2011-10-28T11:55:00.000-05:00

Trolled By The 1%

2011-10-28T10:58:00.002-05:00

MSN Money - The latest online scandal started, as many of those things do, with a woman's rear end. And ChapStick wishes it would all go away. Yes, ChapStick. The lip-balm maker, owned by Pfizer (PFE), decided to run an advertisement prominently showing the behind of a woman searching for her ChapStick behind a sofa. "Where do lost ChapSticks go?" asked the ad. It was a bizarre photo, but not really any big deal. We've seen far worse in other advertisements. Along came the inevitable blog post complaining that the image was degrading to women. The blogger also pointed out that ChapStick has been deleting any critical comments on its Facebook page (even after encouraging people to "be heard at Facebook.com/chapstick"). For many, the idea that ChapStick was censoring was worse than the image itself. So more visited the page to comment, and more saw their comments deleted. I imagine someone over in ChapStick PR has a bad case of carpel tunnel today. Finally, ChapStick responded by removing the ad and issuing an apology. "We know we don't always get it right," the ChapStick team said on its Facebook page. ChapStick also said it complied with Facebook guidelines and removed posts with foul language and repetitive messaging. AdWeek seized upon the phony defense. "So, to those ChapStick fans whose comments were deleted -- it was all your fault, you obnoxious, foul-mouthed, menacing spambots!" wrote Tim Nudd. "Seriously, maybe just shut down the whole page at this point." MediaPost's Catharine Taylor says the whole issue is really stupid. "So, what do we take away from all this?," she asks. "That sometimes people get offended by pictures of people's backsides, and that social media strategies should never be run by the legal department."
**So…social media blunder, or social media viral marketing bonanza? This blog wonders if anyone at MSN or AdWeek has considered the possibility that this apparent debacle might have, in reality, been a very inexpensive and clever way for Pfizer to get people talking about ChapStick. Let’s face it, lip balm is not exactly the hottest commodity for sales and marketing professionals. In fact, ChapStick is one of those vestigial products from the 1970s that I didn’t think people even bought anymore – like Anacin, Tab cola and American cars.
Last week – No one talking about ChapStick
This week – Lots of people talking about ChapStick
The defense rests, your honor. Has AdWeek ever heard the expression, “There is no such thing as bad publicity?” Like it or not, ChapStick is now on your radar whereas it wasn’t a week ago. Haha – they got you. But, does this controversy make you want to go out and buy ChapStick? We’ll see…

I think hipsters are just upset because they were trolled by one of the largest, most starchy, corporate corporations on planet earth. Pfizer probably has an unholy army of scarf-wearing, unpronounceable coffee-drinking skinny jeansters on their payroll trying to figure out how to make lip balm sexy and marketable. Look, there’s a reason Pfizer turned into a huge, faceless global entity – they know how to do business. There is a certain amount of sad irony to cooler-than-thou internet comment whores.
Hipster: OMG, ChapStick posted a vaguely insensitive ad about lip balm? I’ll show them !!
(types comment on Facebook) I am the 99% !! (defiant fistpump)

Off subject, but speaking of sad irony, how can you seriously protest corporate greed when you are sitting in a tent posting comments with a MacBook Pro (online for $2,499.00) manufactured by one of the world’s largest companies using cheap foreign labor? This isn’t the 1960s…back then, they had some solid reasons to protest. Now? Not so much.
Protester: (sipping $9 soy latte) Waaa...I can’t find a job to pay off the student loans that financed my Philosophy degree because of Wall Street fat cats !!

Note to Occupy_(blank) protesters: The reason the wealthiest 1% of Americans are wealthy is because
A.) they inherited a filthy amount of money from someone else’s hard work
B.) they were working instead of sitting in a drum circle complaining about not working

Look, this country was founded (or stolen, depending on your point of view) by people who actually did shit instead of sitting around on their asses. That’s why there wasn’t an “Occupy the Louisiana Purchase” protest – they just went out and did it! Have you ever seen a cookbook from the 19th century? Ok, probably not, but I have (don’t ask). Sure, there are recipes for cornbread and instructions on how to infect a blanket with smallpox as a gift for the locals, but there are also detailed directions on how to build a house, defend yourself against wild animals and grow your own food (organic, of course). Our ancestors actually did shit.

So, I’m talking to you…you there, blocking the bank entrance. You are descended from a group of people who spent their whole lives doing things for themselves rather than complaining about how corporate America does things. Get off your ass, quit complaining and go do things for yourselves like your ancestors did. The heart and soul of the American spirit is independence and self-reliance.

And for those of you who got pissed at Pfizer for deleting your Facebook comments, get a life. Get off the internet and go look for a job. If you were at work like the rest of the 99%, you probably wouldn’t have time to post your ridiculous comments to Facebook. Posting stuff to the internet while you’re at work is totally unprofessional anyway. Believe me.

Halloweeners

2011-10-26T10:52:00.002-05:00

(CNN) -- Students from Ohio University have a message for you: "We're a culture, not a costume." With ethnic and racial stereotypes becoming increasingly popular Halloween costume themes, members of the school's Students Teaching About Racism in Society are launching a campaign to make revelers think twice before reducing a culture to a caricature, the group's president said. Posters from the campaign are expected to go up on the Athens, Ohio, campus Wednesday. The ad campaign from Ohio University show students holding photos of different racial and ethnic stereotypes in costume. "During Halloween, we see offensive costumes. We don't like it, we don't appreciate it. We wanted to do a campaign about it saying, 'Hey, think about this. It's offensive,'" said senior Sarah Williams, president of STARS. "The best way to get rid of stereotypes and racism is to have a discussion and raise awareness, which is what we want to do with this campaign," said Williams, who is black and plans on dressing as singer Janelle Monae for Halloween. "I think it's almost impossible to be ironic while being racist, so irony is lost," said Jelani Cobb, a professor of African studies at Rutgers University and the author of "The Substance of Hope: Barack Obama and the Paradox of Progress." "The more we look at people as caricatures, the harder it is to operate as democracy," he said. "What underlies this kind of costuming is the belief that these people aren't quite equal to what we are or aren't as American as we are or that you as a person who's not member of that group should be able to dictate how painful stereotype should be."
**Students from Ohio University may have a message for us, but I have a message for them – get a freakin’ sense of humor! Ok, yeah I know…in recent weeks I have written a lot about political correctness and racism, like Australian rugby fans showing up to matches in blackface, but c’mon…Halloween? Rutgers University professor Jelani Cobb asserts that dressing as “caricatures” makes it harder for this country to operate as a democracy? Huh?!? So…racially insensitive Halloween costumes are threatening the very fabric of our American democracy? I think that’s overstating things a bit.

Look, all races and ethnicities deserve to be treated with equal respect and dignity, but stereotypes are not unique to racial and ethnic minorities (see my poorly executed Photoshop example above). Everyone on planet earth has experienced discrimination at some point in their lives. Halloween costumes, by definition, are caricatures. A little boy dressing up as a fireman doesn’t lug a 50lb oxygen tank; he wears a plastic helmet and carries a plastic ax – it’s a caricature! Recently, I was shopping with my son for his Halloween costume and found numerous racially insensitive costumes related to white people. Was I offended? No, because I have a sense of humor. I am able to laugh at myself and how ridiculous white people can be. Have you ever seen a black guy with a mullet? I haven’t, but there are plenty of mullet wigs in costume shops. That is a stereotype about white people.

The bottom line: African Americans, Hispanics and Asians have plenty of legitimate reasons to be upset – let’s leave Halloween alone. Halloween costumes were never intended to be taken seriously. There is a lot of actual racism in the world, but let’s pick our battles. We need to acknowledge our differences and be able to laugh about them. I appreciate the intention of this Ohio University campaign, but lighten up everybody.

Too Much Too Soon

2011-10-25T12:27:00.002-05:00

Fox News - The parents of some New York City public school students say they are shocked by their children's sex education curriculum, which includes details about sexual positions and bestiality, the New York Post reports. The newspaper obtained copies of workbooks that are part of the Department of Education's "recommended" curriculum, which reportedly becomes mandatory in city middle and high schools next year.
The assignments reviewed by the Post include the following:
-- Students ages 11 and 12 sort "risk cards" to rate the safety of various activities, including "intercourse using a condom and an oil-based lubricant," mutual masturbation, French kissing, oral sex and anal sex.
-- Teens are referred to resources such as Columbia University’s website "Go Ask Alice," which explores topics like "sadomasochistic sex play," phone sex, oral sex with braces, fetishes and porn stars.
-- Teens research a route from school to a clinic that provides birth control and STD tests, and write down its confidentiality policy.
The Department of Education, meanwhile, said in a statement that its curriculum "stresses that abstinence is the best way to avoid pregnancy and STD/HIV."
**Ok, so I’m not uber-conservative (despite the fact that I copied this article from Fox News), but a quick visit to Go Ask Alice yielded the following fun facts available to NYC teens.
Regarding bestiality:
“While curiosity about sexual contact with animals may be normal…it's probably best for zoophilia to remain within the realms of fantasy rather than practice.”
Regarding phone sex:
“Turn off the lights, put on some sex music... create an environment that sets the mood, which could even mean getting naked. And while you're both at it, you could also prep for the call by getting in touch with yourself as if you were starting to masturbate.”
Regarding threesomes:
“As far as where to find a third person, there are a number of online resources available for people seeking different types of sexual encounters. And, don't forget to think about people you know as possibilities.”

Ok look, not to be prude or anything, but this is way more than a middle school kid should be able to learn about sex. Like a lot of people, I learned about sex via a socially awkward film in junior high gym class. “When a man loves a woman very much, sometimes they lie close together and he inserts his…” and so forth. How did we go from a clinical 10-minute film from the 1960s to “curiosity about sexual contact with animals may be normal?” For the record, kids, if you are considering scoring with a cocker spaniel…that’s not normal…not normal at all.

Here are some other recent questions posted to Go Ask Alice.
“I have male and female genitalia – tell my boyfriend?”
“Will losing weight lead to a larger penis?”
“I want to breastfeed my partner”
“Boobs! Not just for foreplay anymore”
“All about ball sucking”
“What to do with a mouthful of semen”
“Doin’ the butt – objects in anus”

Believe me when I say this is but a mere sampling of the hundreds of questions available for anyone on Go Ask Alice – there is no age confirmation or content warning on the site. Personally, I think it is the parents’ responsibility to teach their kids about sex, but…I am also a reasonable person. My dad is the last person on earth with whom I wish to discuss proper anal sex technique. Nor do I wish to know what my mother does “with a mouthful of semen.”

My son is around the same age as the kids in New York who will take this new sex ed class. If he asks, I will tell him whatever he would like to know about sex…to a point. While a “birds and bees” discussion is probably in order, I doubt we will talk about how boobs are not just for foreplay anymore. He will discover that later. I seldom use sports analogies, but I see this kind of like baseball. You don’t go straight from little league to the majors…you work your way up, you learn the game. Teens don’t need such a readily available internet resource describing, in detail, how to engage in phone sex. Isn’t adolescence confusing enough already?

It is no secret that we live in a highly sexualized society. Kids are bombarded from an early age with media messages about sexuality and gender roles. And new technology, while convenient, has spawned a generation of kids who send nekkid pictures of themselves to other kids. “Sexting” was technologically impossible when I was 12 years old. I can’t imagine the pressure today’s teens feel when it comes to issues of sexuality. Adolescence is already a minefield of socially awkward moments and situations, never mind emailing a picture of your boobs to everyone in the 7th grade. I don’t want to turn into one of those older people who complain about everything, but today’s teens are being pressured to turn into adults before they are ready. The human brain is not fully grown until around age 25, long after your child has learned “All about ball sucking.” Kids need to be kids for as long as possible. Personally, I think the sooner kids are made to be grown up, the more profoundly fucked up they are going to be as adults.

My kid doesn’t have a smart phone or a Facebook page. Ergo, he will not be cyberbullied (or, he won’t know if he is or isn’t). My kid’s phone doesn’t have a camera. Ergo, he cannot take an ill-advised picture of his wang and send it to everyone in our neighborhood. When it comes to children and technology, I don’t think parents can be too involved. Is my kid allowed to log on to Go Ask Alice? Sure, if me or his mom are sitting right next to him. That way, we can be there when he has questions like, “Will losing weight lead to a larger penis?” For the record, I didn’t read the official answer, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

MC Hammer Launches Search Engine

2011-10-24T14:50:00.003-05:00

(CNN) -- You can't Google this. OK, maybe you can. But MC Hammer doesn't want you to.
The venerable rapper, who helped usher hip-hop into the pop mainstream in the early '90s, has rolled out a search engine he hopes will outperform Google, Bing and other established tools.
The project, called WireDoo, has been two years in the making, said Hammer (real name Stanley Burrell) Wednesday at the Web 2.0 summit in San Francisco. At the conference, he said what will make his search tool better than Google will be its "deep search" ability. "It's about relationships beyond just the keywords," he said, according to Mashable, a CNN.com content partner. The rapper-turned-entrepreneur said a search would render not just direct results, but also information on possibly related topics. Its tagline is: "Search once and see what's related." Other details about the product were scarce. WireDoo, which Hammer said he has a team developing, is still in pre-beta. Its website is currently letting people sign up to test the search engine when a beta release is ready.
**America – The Land of Opportunity. The land where you can take someone else’s wildly successful idea, steal it, and claim it as your own. Hammer may have spearheaded the “enormous pants” craze back in the 90’s, but his latest venture is really just sad. Is a washed-up, broke rapper from twenty years ago seriously trying to make a run at the largest, most widely used search engine on planet earth? His search engine, WireDoo, is as ambitious as it is ill-conceived. This will be the New Coke of technology.

Google and to a lesser extent Bing, work quite well for what they do – help people find things on the internet. How does WireDoo propose to improve on such a successful idea? “Deep Search.” The rapper-turned-entrepreneur said a search would render not just direct results, but also information on possibly related topics. In other words, WireDoo is just another piece of technology designed to think for us.

I was skeptical to say the least, but I downloaded a trial version of WireDoo and gave it a shot. Just as advertised, a ‘deep search’ on MC Hammer also yielded a link to the VH1 Behind the Music episode which chronicled how the rapper lost millions of dollars and spent much of the last decade performing at boat shows and selling his plasma. Wow! Screw you, Google!

Hammer attended the Web 2.0 conference in San Francisco to promote WireDoo, which is in pre-beta. So…he went to an important tech conference to let the world know he has nothing deliverable. Good call. “Pre-Beta” is tech speak for “we don’t have shit.” Here’s a transcript from Wiredoo’s first staff meeting.
Hammer: WelI, I could always make another record.
Staffer: Nah dawg, people don’t listen to that kind of music anymore.
Hammer: I could sell more blood.
Staffer: You’ve already met the limit at the blood bank.
Hammer: Ok, how about the internet? A search engine that pulls up what you search for and a bunch of other unrelated shit.
Staffer: I don’t know if that’s really what people..
Hammer: That settles it, then. Get me a booth at Web 2.0. I can sell autographs there.

The last thing people need is another piece of technology to think for them. Anyone who has ever fallen afoul of Auto Correct knows that you and your high-tech device are not always on the same page. I don’t know about you, but when I search for something on the internet, let’s just say for example, German Scheiße videos, I don’t want to see any related articles or links to German restaurants in my town. I want to use a search engine which respects my ability to find my own revolting, hardcore Europorn. How does MC Hammer know better than me what I am searching for?

Hammer is reportedly in negotiations that will make WireDoo the exclusive search engine for an operating system in development by Coolio.

(BTW, yes I know the guy in the picture is not MC Hammer..but I posted the first washed-up rapper with a computer picture I found)

Nun Sets Self on Fire? Meh...

2011-10-18T14:20:00.001-05:00

Hong Kong (CNN) -- A nun has died after setting herself on fire in southwestern China, the first Tibetan woman known to have killed herself in this way, the London-based Free Tibet campaign group said Tuesday. According to the group, Tenzin Wangmo, 20, called for religious freedom in Tibet and for the return of the Dalai Lama as she set fire to herself outside Dechen Chokorling Nunnery in Ngaba County, Sichuan Province on Monday. Tenzin is the ninth Tibetan -- all monks or former monks -- to commit self-immolation in protest against Chinese rule since March, the advocacy group said. Five have died.
**It’s a disheartening statement about our world that you can set yourself on fire in protest..and not be the first one to do so. Or the tenth, for that matter. Attention Self-Immolating Asians: I agree with your cause and admire your courage, but..it’s been done. Perhaps you should find a method of protest which does not end in your fiery death. Set up a Facebook page. Send out a Tweet. It has been almost a half century since Thich Quang Duc – there must be a better way.

CNN - Susan Sarandon recently called Pope Benedict XVI a "Nazi" not once but twice during a recent interview, and the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) is asking the actress to apologize. As Newsday reported, the actress was speaking about her 1995 movie “Dead Man Walking” with actor Bob Balaban in an interview at the Hamptons Film Festival on Saturday. Sarandon, 65, mentioned that she sent the pope a copy of the anti-death penalty book the film was based on. "The last one," she said, indicating Pope John Paul, "not this Nazi one we have now."
**As a former Catholic, I can attest to the fact that there are many, many sins which will solidify one’s place in eternal damnation. Well, seven, to be exact (I’m actually working on an eighth..will keep you advised). And yes, I have had more than my fair share of “impure thoughts.” But, at least I never said the Pope was a Nazi. I’m pretty sure that is a one-way ticket to the underworld. Susan Sarandon has now cemented her place in the circle of hell where all chocolate is baking chocolate, and Kenny G’s “Songbird” plays on an eternal loop. It could have been much worse for Sarandon, though. In the circle of hell just below hers, one is forced to watch every terrible, formulaic Susan Sarandon movie ever made…*shutter.*

(CNN) - Sen. John McCain –a politician who has seen his share of campaign buses– had harsh words Monday for Pres. Barack Obama's choice of election transportation. "I must say again I have never seen an uglier bus than a Canadian one," the Arizona senator said in a speech on the Senate floor Monday. "He is traveling around on a Canadian bus touting American jobs." Obama's bus –an imposing black model from the Canadian company Prevost– was first used on a tour of the Midwest in August. The company used to outfit the bus is American however, and has designed buses for musical acts, theatre tours, and presidential candidates – including McCain. White House Communications Director Dan Pfeiffer downplayed the criticism Monday on CNN's "The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer." "I think that's a lot of politics from Senator McCain," Pfeiffer said. "As we've talked about this before, the Secret Service acquired the bus from an American company. It is made by the same company that made Mr. McCain's very famous 'Straight Talk Express.'"
**It’s difficult for me to speak ill of John McCain. Not because I voted for him in 2008, but because it’s kind of like talking shit about your grandpa. Still, after comments earlier this year in which he claimed the Arizona wildfires were caused by illegal immigrants, it has become clear to me that McCain has officially reached the “crazy old man” stage of his life. And, let’s be honest – old people say some crazy shit. Fidel Castro did it. Hugo Chavez did it. (He’s not old..just crazy). Now, John McCain has come out against Canadian bus maker Prevost, showing clear anti-Canadian bias.

Ok, he is probably only saying these things because Barack Obama is using a Canadian bus on the three-day tour touting his jobs package, but I think Canadians need to be outraged nonetheless. Saying Canadian buses are ugly is kind of like saying American women are fat – it’s true, but you probably shouldn’t say it out loud. The irony? Prevost, the maker of Obama’s bus, also made the “Straight Talk Express” which carried John McCain during his 2008 Presidential campaign. D’Oh! Note for McCain staffers: a little research prior to a scathing comment on the Senate floor might be in order.

Herman Cain: Making More Hispanic Friends..not

2011-10-18T11:05:00.002-05:00

(CNN) - Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain maintained Monday that his remarks about building a lethal electrified fence on the U.S.-Mexico border were a joke, but he said he probably should have been more sensitive when choosing his words. "Yeah, it was a joke, and yeah, I haven't learned how to be politically correct yet," Cain said on CNN's "John King, USA." "So yes, it was probably not the correct thing to say, and I didn't mean to offend anybody."
**When are politicians going to learn to leave the jokes to the comedians? What was Herman Cain thinking? I love the man, but...Jeebus...who writes his stuff?
Cain: (reading notes before speech) Ok, 9-9-9 plan? Check. Repeal Obamacare? Check. Get America working? Check. And...joke about lethal electrified border fence? Check.
Now, there’s a joke everyone can enjoy.
Wow! There go your Hispanic voters – straight over to Romney. In fact, Herman Cain and Rick Perry are probably responsible for more Romney votes than Mitt Romney.

“Yeah, it was a joke,” said Cain. Whew! That’s a relief. For a minute there, I thought he was serious. “A lethal electrified border fence....get it?...isn’t that hilarious, everybody?...(hold for applause).” Herman Cain told CNN’s John King that, “I haven't learned how to be politically correct yet.” Really? Now might be a good time, Mr. Cain. For most of us, being “politically correct” is just a euphemism. For Herman Cain and other politicians, being politically correct is...well...just correct. I’m pretty sure the term “politically correct” originated in politics. CPAs are not accountingly correct. Taxi drivers are not cabbily correct. Politically correct means you do not say anything potentially hurtful or offensive. Cain has yet to get that memo. Still love me some Herman Cain, and he is not yet a gaffe factory like Michele Bachmann, but...he could probably stand some political correctness.

In fact, I think the best shot at a GOP nomination for Rick Perry or Herman Cain is probably just to be quiet until 2012. Saying nothing at all will reduce your chances of saying something stupid.

Herman Cain 2012
“Silence We Can Believe In”

Steven Seagal Takes on Border Security

2011-10-17T11:28:00.000-05:00

CNN - Steven Seagal has once again been hired to serve and protect, except it doesn't sound like there will be any reality show cameras following him around this time. The "Above the Law" actor was sworn in this week as a deputy with the sheriff's office in Hudspeth County, Texas. The 59-year-old, who's no stranger to law enforcement and is also trained in Aikido, will help control the U.S.-Mexico border, according to the San Antonio Express. The paper reports that Seagal reached out to the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Office himself about two months ago, seeking employment. Seagal is scheduled to start his new gig early next year. While it's unknown if he'll be paid, the spokesman for the sheriff's department says deputies are typically paid about $15 an hour.
**Hudspeth County officials hope Seagal’s presence at the border will discourage illegal immigration by serving as an example of how difficult it is to find a steady job in America.

Obama Not Black Enough, says GOP

2011-10-14T12:52:00.003-05:00

(CNN) - Three years after the nation elected its first African-American president, the Republican Party could make its own history - given his rising poll numbers and raised awareness among voters and in the press, Herman Cain is the first African-American to have a real shot at becoming the Republican presidential nominee. Recently, Cain essentially waded into the "who's more black" controversy – him or Obama. "He's never been part of the black experience in America," Cain said. "I can talk about that. I can talk about what it really meant to be 'po' before I was poor." Conservative radio hosts took that a step further. "Herman Cain, if he became president, he would be the first black president,"Laura Ingraham said last week on her show. "Does he have a white mother, white father, grandparents? No, right?" "Herman Cain could be our first authentically black president," fellow conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh also said recently. Limbaugh theorized that, in 2008, some liberals challenged Obama's ethnic authenticity given that his mother was white and his father was not African-American, but an African from Kenya.
**It pains me a little to say this, but I feel kinda bad for Barack Obama. Think back to 2008 for a moment. Remember the buzz and youthful optimism surrounding then candidate Obama’s campaign? There was a palpable excitement about having an African American in the White House. I certainly never thought I would see it in my lifetime. I’m sure having a black Commander-In-Chief must have made some white people nervous. Is he a Muslim? Is he even a citizen of this country? Who’s he reppin’...east coast, or west coast? Questions and rumors abounded.

Barack Obama has taken a real thrashing since he has been in office. The recession, the stimulus, widespread unemployment, Afghanistan, the debt ceiling, his jobs bill...the only reason Barack Obama’s poll numbers aren’t zero is because Osama bin Laden was killed on his watch. Now, it seems our first black President of the United States is not black enough. Not black enough even for black people (or white people, for that matter). Of Obama, new GOP golden child Herman Cain said, “He's never been part of the black experience in America.” What does that even mean? Does being the CEO of a pizzaria score Cain some street cred in the black community? And, what exactly is the “black experience” in America?
Spinners on the Presidential limo?
A hot tub in the Oval Office?
National Security Council replaced by “bitches?”
Apparently, having a Kenyan father does not make Barack Obama sufficiently black for some folks. What would make him more “real” – a DNA line connecting Obama directly to Haile Selassie? Some people are never satisfied.

And, it now appears that Barack Obama is not black enough for white people either. Conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham wants a black president that’s REALLY black. "Herman Cain, if he became president, he would be the first black president...Does he have a white mother, white father, grandparents? No, right?” Bloated right-wing crackpot Rush Limbaugh got in on the action, too, saying, "Herman Cain could be our first authentically black president.” I guess having a father from Kenya does not make one “authentically black.” The truth? I think Republicans are thrilled to have a black candidate in the race with a legitimate shot at winning, but I think they are mostly just happy he is not Barack Obama. So, that’s their spin. The black Democrat is not a “real” black guy like Herman Cain.

To fickle American voters, I say – make up your damn minds. How black does the President of the United States need to be in order to make everyone happy? I like most of what Herman Cain has said to date. The fact that he is African American does not carry much weight with me. Will his 9-9-9 plan work? I’m not sure, but I’m told he makes a helluva pizza...and that’s good enough for me.

By the way, that picture on the right is what it looks like when you know what you’re doing in Photoshop. Mine on the left is just crap. There...I said it.

Herman Cain: Keepin' It Real

2011-10-12T11:43:00.002-05:00

(CNN) – GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain said Tuesday that many liberal Democrats in the black community are "racist" for questioning his political ambitions as a black conservative Republican. "A lot of these liberal, leftist folk in this country, that are black, they're more racist than the white people that they're claiming to be racist," Cain said Tuesday in a radio interview on the conservative Neal Boortz talk show. Boortz interrupted Cain, saying he prefers the word "bigoted" to "racist." "Ok, bigoted," Cain said. "How dare Herman Cain, first, run as a Republican? How dare Herman Cain be conservative? And how dare he move up in the polls, so that he just might challenge our beloved Obama? That's the problem they have." In the interview Tuesday, he also said that in a hypothetical matchup between he and President Barack Obama, there would "almost be no contest" and argued that he could talk about issues more in depth than Obama. "He's never been part of the black experience in America," Cain said. "I can talk about that. I can talk about what it really meant to be 'po' before I was poor." The Republican candidate came under fire recently for saying African Americans are generally on a level playing field with other Americans and sometimes use racism as an excuse for being poor.
**How refreshing to hear an African American level a charge of racism against...African Americans. Normally, white people brace for impact when they hear an African American talk about racism in America. I have long thought that blacks were just as racist as whites, but Herman Cain seems to have pulled the curtain back to reveal a closely held secret – black people are secretly racist against their own race. I’m sure Herman Cain will face some kind of retribution in the black community. After all, the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

To make matters worse for Cain, he also said that Barack Obama has “never been part of the black experience in America.” Ouch! Cain just turned in his African American membership card (also known as the “race card”). I’m not sure to which ‘experience’ Cain is referring, but he just cashed in his chips with the black community in this country. Apparently, it has something to do with poverty, as Cain mentions he knows what it’s like to be ‘po.’

You know, I love the straight talk that is propelling Herman Cain to the front of the GOP race, but it is going to come at a price. He must be careful not to further alienate African American voters. We have already elected a black President, so that barrier is gone. I don’t think being African American is a one-way ticket to the White House like it was in 2008. If Herman Cain gets the GOP nomination, it will be based on his platform, not the fact that he is black. And the cornerstone of his platform, the so-called 9-9-9 plan, is getting a lukewarm reception from economists. Some have argued that Cain’s 9-9-9 plan might plunge the US into a deeper recession. That remains to be seen, but it is clear that Herman Cain has balls of steel. He called out his own race for being racist. He insulted the first African American President of the United States. It’s like Cain has violated an unspoken agreement among African Americans that they will not speak ill of each other in public. And dissing a hero in the black community? Telling it like it is will not win Herman Cain many friends among African American voters.

I don’t know if Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan will help or hurt our economy, but I do admire his courage and honesty. Political candidates are too...well...politically correct. They dance around questions at debates. They try so hard not to say anything controversial (unless you’re Rick Perry..then you can say whatever the hell you want). Cain is having none of it. Would Herman Cain make a good President? I’m not sure, but I do like the fact that he seems like a “straight shooter.” We hear enough bullshit coming from politicians. It’s nice to hear a candidate put aside the rhetoric and say what’s on their mind. But, if Herman Cain wants to retain black supporters, he should probably lay off the negative remarks about black people...even if they’re true.

Evangelical Christianity VS. Democracy

2011-10-10T12:56:00.004-05:00

(CNN) – A pastor of a mega church in Dallas said Friday that Republicans shouldn't vote for White House hopeful Mitt Romney because he's a Mormon and described the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as a "cult." "I think Mitt Romney's a good, moral man, but those of us who are born again followers of Christ should prefer a competent Christian," said Robert Jeffress, pastor of the First Baptist Church of Dallas, which has a congregation of about 10,000 and has long been considered a highly-influential church in evangelical circles. Jeffress, who's endorsed Texas Gov. Rick Perry and introduced him at the Values Voter Summit in Washington, told CNN Political Correspondent Jim Acosta that the Southern Baptist Convention "has officially labeled Mormonism as a cult." In fact, a website maintained by the Southern Baptist Convention lists the Mormon faith under its "New Religions and Cults" section, which also includes Jehovah's Witnesses and the Church of Scientology. "That's why I'm enthusiastic about Perry," Jeffress said, later adding: "I again believe that as Christian, we have the duty to select Christians as our leaders…Between a Rick Perry and a Mitt Romney, I believe evangelicals need to go with Rick Perry." When asked for a comment, Perry's team said it was the event organizers–not the campaign–who asked Jeffress to introduce the candidate. "The governor does not believe Mormonism is a cult," added Mark Miner, Perry's national press secretary.
**Wow! You know, this is probably the reason our Founding Fathers made it a point to separate church and state – they knew firsthand what happens when you mix religion and politics. Can anyone tell me how a Baptist pastor has any business endorsing a political candidate in the first place? I grew up in the Bible Belt, so I can tell you from experience that the power and influence of the Southern Baptist Convention cannot be underestimated. They love them some Jesus – and think everybody else should, too.

In his Sunday sermon to First Baptist in Dallas, Pastor Robert Jeffress doubled down, also calling Hinduism and Buddhism cults. Seriously? Ok, so from your humble pulpit in Dallas, Tx, you are going to call out not only one of the world’s fastest growing religions, but also two of the largest? Look, this blog thinks there are some things going on in the Mormon Church that are a little strange, but let’s not throw them on the same pile as the Branch Davidians and those UFO cult people who killed themselves wearing track suits.

The ideology of the Tea Party and the doctrine of evangelical Christianity are becoming increasingly indistinguishable. To each his own, but I think we are setting a very dangerous precedent in this country. Tea Party proponents stress adherence to the US Constitution. And, on the website for the Southern Baptist Convention, they say this:
“We support the First Amendment to the United States Constitution, with its "establishment" and "free exercise" clauses.” (Position Statements\Church and State)
Isn’t another one of those clauses a little thing called Freedom of Religion? As in “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..” So, the SBC is cool with the First Amendment; they just want to cherry pick its’ contents. Just as the SBC preaches adherence to the Bible in its entirety, I believe the Baptist Church should abide by the US Constitution in its entirety.

This blog is a true believer in many things, including the law of unintended consequences. Pastor Jeffress’ incendiary rhetoric may have been intended to give the Perry campaign an evangelical turbo boost, but I have to wonder if he didn’t inadvertently freak out legions of moderate Christians and undecided voters, sending them straight to Camp Romney.

I believe the website noted in this article is likely www.4truth.net, but I’m not 100% sure. If that is the case, then here is a list of organizations which the SBC views as “cults” along with the Mormon Church:
Freemasons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Santeria, Scientology, and Unitarians
Sorry SBC, but one of these things is not like the others. Equating the Mormon Church with the Freemasons is way off target in my opinion.

The United States of America was founded by people who were escaping religious persecution. Separation of church and state is one of the bedrocks which has kept this country from descending into theocracy. We can see across the globe that where religion and government come together, violence and radical dogma closely follow. I find it particularly ironic that a right-wing organization like the Southern Baptist Convention supports the First Amendment, but glosses over one of its’ fundamental principles. As I have said many times, part of being American is being tolerant of others who do not share your beliefs. Pastor Robert Jeffress doesn’t have to like Mormons, Hindus, or Buddhists, but if he believes in the First Amendment as the SBC website claims, then he must acknowledge their right to worship in this country. And, by endorsing Rick Perry, Pastor Jeffress is sending a not-so-subtle message to evangelical Christians that Perry is their guy.

Does America need a healthy dose of conservatism right now? Yes, I believe it does...a HEALTHY dose. If the Tea Party and religious right plan to espouse adherence to the founding principles of this nation, they need to follow them to the letter and in their entirety. One of those core principles is Freedom of Religion. The kind of philosophy preached by Pastor Robert Jeffress is a gospel of intolerance and ignorance. That’s the last thing America needs right now, and frankly, will most likely alienate some of the very people he was trying to indoctrinate. The Law of Unintended Consequences. Mitt Romney may very well see a swell in the number of moderate Christians who support him. Christians who find the fiery rhetoric of the Southern Baptist Convention radical and distasteful.

As for Rick Perry, he really, really needs to keep better company. Middle-of-the-road voters already think he’s a crackpot. The radical dogma of Pastor Robert Jeffress didn’t help much. Mitt Romney needs to send the Perry campaign a Thank You note, and maybe a nice fruit basket.
Rick,
Thanks for all the new donors!
-Mitt

Bad Timing, Junior

2011-10-07T12:55:00.001-05:00

Washington (CNN) – Illinois Democratic Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. offered a resolution on the floor of the House of Representatives Thursday that blasted Republican Texas Gov. Rick Perry for his use of a hunting camp with a racially insensitive name. Jackson Jr. asked that the resolution be considered under privilege, a house provision that would have guaranteed a vote within 2 legislative days. The resolution was ruled out of order because Perry was not a member of the House, a requirement in considering a bill under privilege. The House resolution condemned Perry for hosting guests at a camp that is known "by the name painted in block letters across a large, flat rock standing upright at its gated entrance called 'Niggerhead.'” "I personally would be offended that the Congress of the United States wouldn't understand the gravity of this resolution," Jackson Jr. said. Later in his speech, Jackson Jr. said "for a governor of one of the great states of our nation to hunt at 'niggerhead ranch,' it's offensive and I think that am expressing the moral outrage of all Americans." Freshman Republican Kevin Yoder of Kansas was the presiding officer during the debate and ruled that the measure didn't qualify as a House resolution because Perry is not a member of the House. "The chair finds, therefore, that the resolution does not affect the 'rights of the House collectively, its safety, dignity or the integrity of it's proceedings,' within the meanings of Clause 1 of Rule 9 and therefore does not qualify as a question of the privileges of the House," Yoder said.
**Distasteful as it may be, doesn’t Congress have bigger issues on the table than Texas Governor Rick Perry hunting in a place called Niggerhead? With both houses bickering about how to pay to keep our government running, Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. needs to pick his battles. Now is not the time to waste valuable floor time pursuing partisan campaign politics. Congress needs to be figuring out how to keep the federal government from screeching to a halt, not wagging their fingers at Rick Perry. The damage is already done to his campaign anyway. Profoundly bad timing, Junior.

Washington (CNN) - A second national poll indicates a dramatic decline in voter support for Texas Gov. Rick Perry following a shaky debate performance and questions about his stance on social security and immigration. According to a Washington Post/ABC News survey released Tuesday, 16% of likely Republican voters back Perry, a virtual tie with Godfather's Pizza executive Herman Cain. Both men trail former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who stands at 25%. The last time Washington Post/ABC News asked likely Republican voters for their pick, Perry stood at 29%. The thirteen-point drop comes after a rough week for Perry, including rough reviews after a Republican presidential debate in which he said his fellow candidates "had no hearts" for disagreeing with him on a controversial immigration law. Last week, Fox News released a poll showing a similar decline for Perry and comparable increase for Cain. In that survey, 19% of likely GOP voters backed Perry, while 17% backed Cain.
**I am not sure which is more surprising – former GOP front-runner Rick Perry slipping in the polls, or the fact that ABC News and Fox News actually agree on something. Either way, it’s a disappointing setback for the Perry campaign. Sure, the election is still more than a year away, but it is becoming less certain that Rick Perry has the political juice to stay in the race until then. To be fair, I’m not sure Herman Cain does either. So, barring some kind of deal-breaking scandal from Camp Romney, you’ve got to like his chances. Am I comfortable with a potential Commander-in-Chief who wears special underwear to protect him from evil? To each his own, I guess. But, given the criticism Rick Perry has endured this week for his supposedly racist hunting lodge, I wonder if the average voter knows that The Mormon Church systematically excluded African Americans from most church proceedings until 1978.

Prior to that year, blacks were admitted to the church, but prohibited from marrying in the temple or entering the priesthood. In essence, blacks were not barred from the church, but were excluded from participation in key rituals necessary for full membership. Gotta wonder why the media hasn’t picked up on that yet. But, here we are bashing Rick Perry...trying to make resolutions in Congress condemning him.

Look, there is probably dirt on just about every Presidential candidate if you dig deep enough. Eventually, politicians expose themselves (no pun intended) as the tax-dodging, penis-Tweeting, Niggerhead-hunting people that they are. I am a lot more worried about candidates who appear squeaky clean – those are the people who will one day be caught in a hotel room on a three-day meth binge getting a blowjob from a male prostitute. That special underwear looks pretty sedate now, doesn’t it? So, it’s not a matter of who is the cleanest...it’s a matter of who is the least corrupt and immoral. Who is the least corrupt and immoral this campaign season? Heck if I know. Ask me again in six months.

Uncle Sam Sues Alabama Over Immigration

2011-10-05T14:08:00.003-05:00

So apparently, there is much ado over the newly enacted immigration measures taking place in Alabama. You may remember that the state passed the country’s toughest legislation on illegal immigrants earlier this year. The federal government has filed suit against Alabama in an effort to stop them from enforcing their own laws. What a mess!

Here’s what I don’t get. The only reason states like Alabama and Arizona enacted their own legislation is because the federal government has consistently failed to take action on this issue themselves. And now Uncle Sam is suing them? If Congress had dealt with immigration decisively years ago, this wouldn’t even be an issue today. Now it has become a matter of states’ rights versus federal policy (or lack thereof). This country desperately needs a national policy on immigration, but I applaud the states for actually doing something about it when Washington stood by scratching their heads.

The problem that states like Alabama and Arizona have brought to light is one of inconsistency. In other words, the law in Birmingham may or may not be the law in Buffalo or Boise. Clearly, this new Alabama law has illegal immigrants scrambling to get out of the state. And where do we think they are going to go? Back to Mexico? Nope. They need American jobs so they can send remittances back home. Because there is no federal law on how we deal with immigrants, they are going to go to states that either have not enacted a law of their own, or have more lenient enforcement.

How do I view immigration policy? Well, think of yourself as an illegal immigrant in Mexico for a moment. You crossed the border illegally from the United States into Mexico. You are a foreign national living in their country. How would you expect to be treated in Mexico? Would you have a right to:
1. free education for your children
2. free federal financial assistance and job training
3. free healthcare at a Mexican hospital
Uh, no. Mexican immigration policy is far more strict than the new Alabama and Arizona laws Hispanic groups are screaming about. In fact, here are some Mexican laws governing immigration. Wonder how these would work in America?
-Immigrants must provide bank statements proving their financial independence
-Immigrants must prove they are able to obtain their own health care
-Foreign nationals may be removed at any time without due process
- Native-born Mexicans are empowered to make citizens’ arrests of illegal aliens and turn them in to authorities
-Visitors who do not possess proper documents and identification are subject to arrest as illegal aliens.
-Non-citizens are barred from making pro-illegal immigration speeches or participating in any kind of political rally

So, that’s the rub for me. Lots of people are complaining about the strict immigration policies going on in Alabama and Arizona when their own country treats immigrants much worse. That’s pretty hypocritical in my book. What rights should illegal immigrants have in the United States? They should have the right to a timely deportation hearing, and if it is found they do not have sufficient cause for asylum in this country, they should be deported. If anything, immigration policy in the United States is not stringent enough.

If I were in Mexico, I would be expected to carry identification at all times (passport etc.). Why is it any different here? Why is it “racial profiling” to expect people living in America to carry proof that they are here legally? I carry a driver’s license every day. I can produce my Social Security card if needed. I do not have a problem proving that I belong here. Who would? People who have something to hide. A 2010 study by the Pew Hispanic Center revealed that about 52% of people who are of Mexican origin are living in the United States illegally. This is a huge national policy calamity. The inaction of our federal government caused Alabama and Arizona to enact their own immigration policy, then they got sued for it.

If the United States treated Mexican immigrants the way Mexico treats their own immigrants, we wouldn’t have an immigration problem.

42? Meh...

2011-10-04T10:25:00.002-05:00

So, this is the third birthday I have celebrated since starting this blog. This morning, I re-read my birthday posts from 2009 and 2010. Wow! I used to bitch a lot. Fortunately, I am not as angst ridden and cynical as I have been on previous birthdays. Don’t get me wrong; I am not all rainbows and kittens, but I have mellowed a bit with age. Like a fine wine…or a piece of moldy cheese that you can still salvage by scraping off the blue-green fuzz.

In retrospect, turning 40 two years ago was not as traumatic as I thought at the time. The gray hairs in my beard that used to bother me make me strangely proud today, but I am not ready to go completely gray just yet…like a bald Kenny Rogers without the disturbingly botched plastic surgery. I am still enjoying the benefit of perspective which comes from being around for a while. I now understand why old people complain a lot – it’s because they have been alive long enough to remember when things didn’t suck.

In the last couple years, I have come to terms with the fact that, from this point forward, I am going to be behind the curve on technology. There were a lot of angry Facebook users recently when the look of the site was radically changed. Not me. I stopped using Facebook in 2009 after I caught up with my high school friends and realized we had nothing to talk about. Twitter? If I wanted to be restricted to so few characters, I would write a haiku. Foursquare? I just heard about this in the last year, so it’s probably uncool already. That’s fine with me. I don’t need my friends to know where I am every moment of the day. Cyberbullying? Meh…I come from a time of actual physical bullies. I still think this younger generation has far too much reliance on the internet and smart phones. My phone is dumb as shit, and still works just fine.

From time to time, I run into people that I have known for a while. There is almost always a certain amount of schadenfreude in the fact that they look older than me. Life has been kind to me overall. I still feel pretty young, and I guess I am in the grand scheme of things. So, cliché as it may be, I suppose you really are only as old as you feel. I am thankful to be in a relatively good place this year. It wasn’t always so. For whatever reason, the universe has conspired to throw me some good vibes this year, and I am grateful. I hope that I can look back at this next year and still be in that place.

Rick Perry: Making More Hispanic Friends...not

2011-10-03T14:04:00.002-05:00

(CNN) - Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry grabbed headlines throughout the weekend, putting the campaign on defense following a couple controversy-filled days for the Texas governor. A front-page Washington Post story Sunday exposed the eyebrow raising name of a hunting camp leased and frequented by Perry and his father. "Niggerhead" was painted across a rock at the gated entrance of the property, according to the report. But Team Perry was quick to clarify the account, issuing a harsh statement early Sunday morning after CNN contacted the campaign. "A number of claims made in the story are incorrect, inconsistent, and anonymous, including the implication that Rick Perry brought groups to the lease when the word on the rock was still visible," Perry communications director Ray Sullivan said in a statement. "The one consistent fact in the story is that the word on the rock was painted over and obscured many years ago." Sullivan said the governor's father, who the paper reported first leased the property in 1983, painted over the offensive language in the early 1980s. Sources quoted in the Post story said the word was visible until a few years ago. On "Fox News Sunday," the former Godfather's Pizza CEO, who is African American, said there "isn't a more vile, negative word than the N-word, and for him to leave it there as long as he did, until before, I hear, they finally painted over it, is just plain insensitive to a lot of black people in this country."

While the ranch name consumed much of the Beltway chatter Sunday, it was Perry's comments about sending troops into Mexico to combat drug cartels that received the most attention Saturday. "It may require our military in Mexico working in concert with them to kill these drug cartels and to keep them off of our border," Perry said after speaking at a house party in Manchester, New Hampshire. Perry said the leaders of Mexico and the U.S. should meet after next year's elections to address the deadly drug trade in that country.
**I am fascinated by politics. I am fascinated by a process whereby a serious Presidential campaign can potentially go off the rails because of a semi-anonymous story in a newspaper. The Washington Post cited 7 people as witnesses to the racially insensitive signage, but I don’t think there was much more to it than that. There is not a whole lot of evidence to support the truth of this story. Even if the offensive sign was painted over in 1983 when the property was leased, Perry would have been 33 years old, so it’s not like he was a kid who didn’t know what that word meant. (Sidenote: My hat is somewhat off to CNN for actually printing the word “nigger.” Most media outlets just say N-word. I think in order to get past the legacy of this word, we need to bring it out in the open and see it for what it is – a terribly outdated word that has no relevance today, other than to hurt people.)

So, did Texas Governor and Presidential hopeful Rick Perry really hunt at a place called “Niggerhead?” Who knows? Is it disturbing that a potential President of the United States would have spent time in a place like that? Well…yeah, kinda. True or not, the damage is done. Rick Perry has been labeled a racist because of something that may or may not have even happened. The paranoid part of me thinks it is not beyond Perry’s political enemies to plant a story in The Washington Post to damage his credibility. This nation has a long history of so-called news stories planted by those with an agenda. Troubling yes, but as far as I am concerned – pics or it didn’t happen. Far more troubling was Perry’s weekend assertion that U.S. troops might be part of a Perry White House plan to deal with Mexico.

Really, Gov? Don’t we have our military involved in enough foreign policy quagmires already? Do we really want to rumble with our next door neighbors? Mexico is already about as Pro-America as Friday prayers in Tehran. Now we want American boots on their turf as well? To his credit, Rick Perry has taken a real beating on immigration issues lately. GOP candidates who support a fence along Texas’ entire border with Mexico really need to come down here and take a good look around. The fence is a joke. It’s the high jump at the Cholympics. It doesn’t take a structural engineer to figure out how to get over it – you get a ladder. And if they happen to time it right, impromptu visitors to the United States will seldom run into CBP agents. In order to catch everyone, Border Patrol would need agents stationed about every 18 inches or so. Spongebob is less porous than our border with Mexico.

The Texas Dream Act has not won Rick Perry many fans either, but I actually like it. As I mentioned last week, does anyone really want to tell an illegal immigrant kid that he can’t go to college? You might as well send him a Wal Mart job application with the denial letter. I would much rather have a generation of college educated, middle-class taxpayers than an army of working-class poor who drain our social services.

Of all this, the most disturbing thing to me about Rick Perry is that he seems like kind of a loose cannon. He is the Cousin Eddie of American politics (see clip below). It’s one thing to call Social Security a Ponzi scheme when you’re a candidate, but another to tell President Felipe Calderon that you’re invading Guadalajara during a state dinner. I’m worried that a President Rick Perry would make more Bush-isms than W. himself. Still, it’s a democratic process, so we’ll see what happens next November.

US Customs Celebrates Hispanic Heritage Month

2011-09-29T12:37:00.004-05:00

Washington (CNN) -- In a huge, seven-day operation covering all 50 states and four U.S. territories, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials arrested 2,901 convicted criminal immigrants as part of the "Cross Check" enforcement operation, ICE officials announced Wednesday. ICE Director John Morton said all those arrested had prior criminal convictions, including 1,282 who had multiple convictions. More than 1,600 of those arrested had felony convictions including manslaughter, attempted murder, kidnapping, armed robbery, drug trafficking, child abuse, sexual crimes against minors and aggravated assault. Forty-two of them were gang members and 151 were convicted sex offenders, officials said. ICE officials acknowledged that despite the large number of arrests, there were still an estimated 1 million convicted criminal aliens in the United States. Most of the people detained -- 2,642 -- were men. Those arrested came from 115 countries, with immigration fugitives accounting for 681 of those detained in the operation, Morton said. Of the people arrested, 386 were illegal re-entrants.
**So, maybe you’re one of those people who think that illegal immigration isn’t that big of a problem. Maybe you’re one of those “melting pot” people who thinks America needs to open its’ doors to a flood of foreign nationals who seek the American Dream. First of all, let me point out that since the 2008 economic downturn, there are millions of Americans seeking the American Dream as well. We have this image of immigrants as hard-working, family-oriented folks who simply want their piece of what the United States has to offer – steady jobs, super value meals and cars built after 1978. And I think, by and large, that’s still true today. But, there are also a pretty fair number of less scrupulous characters who enter this country illegally either to escape a criminal past, or lay the groundwork for a criminal future.

The fact that Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers can arrest 2,900 convicted criminals in one week speaks to the fact that not all illegal immigrants are law-abiding illegal immigrants (a contradiction in terms, in my opinion). Despite my feelings that immigrants have already broken our laws the moment they step foot over our border, I am still sympathetic to their plight. I think everyone deserves a chance to make a better life for themselves and their families, but there is a LEGAL way to do so. Consider the crimes committed by some of those ICE took into custody – murder, armed robbery, drug trafficking, and gang activity. 150 of them were convicted sex offenders! These are not white collar criminals – these are hardened thugs who would likely be in jail in their own country.

This article mentions that those arrested come from 115 countries, but, let’s be honest. Does anyone reading this think America is overrun by gang members from Sri Lanka? Doubtful. Has MS13 set up operations in Indonesia? Uh, no. Personally, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that most of those rounded up by ICE are from Mexico and Central America. Illegal immigration is not simply a problem for border states, like my home state of Texas. Arrests were made in all 50 states and four US territories (didn’t even know there were four…ok, Puerto Rico, maybe Guam…don’t know any others). This is a national issue.

There are many troubling facets to this debate. So, ICE arrest 2,900 illegal immigrants who are convicted criminals (though they suggest as many as one million reside in the US). What now? Do we lock them up in American jails, costing tax payers millions? Does the US go to the expense of deporting them to their countries of origin? 2010 Census figures estimate that several million people are living in the United States illegally. Are we supposed to grant them amnesty and start with a clean slate? This is a logistical nightmare.

The real problem in 2011 is not illegal border crossings; it is what to do with illegal immigrants who are already here. I mentioned in a previous post that Latin American immigrants to this country are taxing our ability to handle them effectively. Social services and hospital systems are clogged with people who have no lawful right to be here in the first place. Much has been made in recent GOP Presidential debates of border security, but the real debate needs to focus on what to do with illegal immigrants who are already in the United States. 2010 Census and Pew Hispanic Center figures indicate a drop in new immigration, and a sharp rise in new births to Hispanic families in America. Hispanics are the fastest growing racial/ethnic group in this country, and have more children, on average, per household than any other race in America. Border security, while important, should not be the predominant consideration in our immigration policy.

So, what’s the answer? I don’t know, but it seems increasingly apparent that the dramatic increase in the Hispanic population will warrant some decisive action from Congress and the White House in coming years. To me, a balanced approach would be best.
1. Maintain tight border security (the fence is a joke…we need more CBP agents)
2. Continue to apprehend illegal immigrants who are convicted criminals
3. Begin a guest worker visa program for legal immigrants who are here for employment 4. Make the naturalization process faster and less expensive
5. Make higher education available to children of illegal immigrants

Ok, so that last one has gotten Rick Perry into some hot water lately. Here’s the thing – children of illegal immigrants are already here. Would you rather have:
A.) minimum wage workers with no education and no future
or
B.) well educated middle class workers who actually contribute to society

I know where my vote is. Look, I’m not crazy about the situation either, but I would rather have a bunch of college graduates who own homes, pay taxes and grow the middle class than an army of Taco Bell employees with no health care who are using hospital emergency rooms as their primary care physician. It has been proven the world over that lack of education and poverty breed all kinds of crime.

Like it or not, immigration needs to be dealt with. This has stopped being a homeland security issue, and has become a huge socioeconomic time bomb waiting to go off. If I were you, I would find out where the presidential candidates stand on immigration issues, choose one that you agree with, and vote for them next year. I say this a lot, but it’s hard to complain about the status quo when you didn’t vote to change it.

BTW, the four US territories are Puerto Rico, Guam, the US Virgin Islands and the Northern Mariana Islands. (thanks as always, Wikipedia)

Creepy Things, Part Two

2011-09-29T09:51:00.004-05:00

Meet Frankenlouie. At 12 years old, he is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the oldest living Janus cat (i.e. a cat wit two freakin' heads). This blog thinks Frankenlouie also deserves a record as the freakiest thing I have seen since Two Girls One Cup. The cat has two mouths, two noses and two normal eyes with one larger non-functioning eye in the center. It is unclear if Frankenlouie can cough up two hairballs simultaneously. And with only one B-hole, patience and cooperation between the two is critical.

This image is actually a screenshot from a CNN video, but after seeing the paused image, my co-workers insisted it must have been Photoshopped. I then ran the video and pointed out how technically challenging and time consuming it must have been to Photoshop hundreds of frames of video, blending them seamlessly into a photo-realistic clip - A task best left to Lucasfilm, who has an unfortunate history of digitally editing perfectly acceptable film into a shallow, meaningless new version of something that used to be cool. It's a freakin' two-headed cat....that's what I'm saying.

Frankenlouie's birthday was earlier this month, so this blog wishes a Happy 12th Birthday to the cutest and cuddliest disfigured, God-less abomination ever spawned from the depths of Hell.

Creepy Things, Part One

2011-09-29T09:17:00.003-05:00

A family visited the USS Arizona Memorial in Pearl Harbor on Monday. Mom took this photo of the oily sheen in the water. Look, I am not one of those people who looks for meaning in everyday items, but this is super-creepy considering how many sailors and airmen died there. I usually blow off stories of the faithful erecting makeshift altars outside a suburban kitchen where Jesus was seen on a tortilla. The Virgin Mary's appearance on a grilled cheese sandwich was questionable at best. The letters G-O-D seared into someone's fried salami in 2009 was not statisically impossible. But this....this is pretty spooky. That's all I'm saying.

Image Dump

2011-09-27T16:23:00.003-05:00

Ok...so, haven't done this for a while, but all the political hoopla and partisan pandering lately has put me back in the mood to post something with absolutely no ideological content whatsoever. So, for your viewing pleasure...please enjoy these probably copyrighted images I downloaded from the internet.

Rick Perry, International Conflict Mediator

2011-09-20T14:54:00.002-05:00

(CNN) - Rick Perry Tuesday jumped directly into the battle over possible statehood for Palestinians, slamming President Barack Obama for his policy toward Israel and how he's handled the Mideast peace process. "The Obama policy of moral equivalency, which gives equal standing to the grievances of Israelis and Palestinians, including the orchestrators of terrorism, is a dangerous insult. There is no middle ground between our allies and those who seek their destruction," said the Texas governor and Republican presidential candidate, as he went before cameras about 25 blocks from the United Nations, where the Palestinian Authority this week will seek formal recognition of statehood by the United Nations General Assembly. Perry did affirm, however, his commitment to a two state solution between Israel and the Palestinians but noted that any agreement would have Jerusalem whole and under complete Israeli control. He also said that he would move the United States embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Primary campaign politics is a factor in this fight. Social conservative and evangelical voters are strong supporters of Israel, and they also will be very influential in choosing the next Republican presidential nominee, especially in such states as Iowa, which votes first in the caucus and primary calendar, and South Carolina, which holds the first southern contest in the road to the White House.
**Whoa..! Misstep for the Perry campaign. Whoever told Perry that getting involved in foreign affairs as a state governor is a good idea needs to be fired. Unless, of course, that state governor happens to be the front runner for the next Presidency of the United States – a country overflowing with evangelical Christians. What better way to simultaneously smear the current administration and ingratiate yourself to a huge, uber-conservative voting bloc? Maybe Perry’s smarter than he looks. Still, this blog views the Israeli-Palestinian conflict as less about borders on a map and more about right and wrong.

Israel has been not-so-subtle in their bid to fill Jerusalem with more Israelis. They just kinda started building houses and moved on in, all the while diverting any number of natural and infrastructure resources away from largely Muslim east Jerusalem. Both the United Nations and the European Union came out against Israeli settlements, saying in part, that they were against international law. Forcibly settling land that may or may not be yours to take? WRONG! Of course, deploying endless waves of suicide bombers and otherwise being a belligerent, rocket-firing pain in the ass? ALSO WRONG! Hamas has made no secret of their desire to kill as many Israeli settlers as they have bomb-laden backpacks to detonate. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Well, everybody in this blog’s opinion.

Rick Perry has no standing to comment on any of these issues. This is just some clumsy pandering to the extreme right ahead of a primary election season. I like Rick Perry, but this is embarrassing. Even his attempt at a conciliatory gesture was bumbling. He supports a two state solution…as long as those two states are Israel and Israel. And, he wants to put the United States deep in the heart of the debate, moving the US Embassy to Jerusalem…makes the building easier to bomb that way, not all that traffic like in Tel Aviv. Why doesn’t Perry just move the Texas Governor’s mansion to Jerusalem while he’s at it? He can kiss Israel’s ass directly from there instead of flying to New York for a press conference.

Bottom line: This is pure politics. Personally, I don’t think Rick Perry gives a shit about Israel or Palestine, but conservatives and evangelical Christians in America LOVE them some Holy Land, and Rick Perry LOVES their votes. So, that’s why you have a state governor meeting with Israeli politicians and Jewish leaders on issues that have 0% to do with Rick Perry, I mean, other than securing the votes of Republican heavies. As an super extra bonus, Perry gets to trash the President at the same time. He must have been sporting some major right-wing wood today.

Personally, this blog thinks Rick Perry needs a gentle reminder that, in addition to his duties as GOP golden boy, he still has a pretty good sized state to run. Hey Gov – how’s about letting the Middle East handle the Middle East peace process, and get back to Austin so you can figure out how to pay teachers what they’re worth? You’re not President yet. If the United States really needs a Presidential candidate to mediate Israeli-Palestinian conflict, we’ll thaw out Bill Richardson.

Pat Robertson on Commitment

2011-09-20T10:15:00.004-05:00

CNN - Pat Robertson, former presidential candidate and well-known televangelist, gave advice on his TV talk show “The 700 Club" this week that doesn't sit well with some people familiar with Alzheimer's disease. A viewer named Andreas asked about his friend, who started seeing another woman after his wife developed Alzheimer's: "He says that he should be allowed to see other people, because his wife as he knows her is gone. I’m not sure what to tell him. Please help." Robertson acknowledged that this is a "terribly hard thing" but also said the person in question is correct. "I know it sounds cruel, but if he’s going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but to make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her," he said. There is the vow of "till death do us part," but Alzheimer's is "a kind of death," he said.
**If there were a Nobel Prize for Assholery, Pat Robertson would surely be its’ first recipient. Robertson, who has come disturbingly close to being President of the United States, is no stranger to saying idiotic things. According to the Book of Robertson:
The path of a hurricane can be diverted through prayer.
God revealed to him that the world would end in 1982.
God revealed to him that a nuclear terrorist attack would devastate America in 2007.
The 2010 earthquake in Haiti happened because the people of Haiti made a deal with Satan.
The fact that Robertson would make such a preposterous statement about Alzheimer’s Disease should not be as surprising as the fact that Pat Robertson still has television viewers. Who watches the 700 Club? Who listens to Pat Robertson and says to themselves, “Yes…he’s absolutely right. I’m cutting him a huge check right this minute.” Weren’t we over this whole “televangelist” thing 20 years ago? Haven’t enough televangelists been caught in a hotel room doing meth with a male prostitute to convince America that this form of ministry is a disgrace to Christendom?

Anyone who has had a close friend or family member suffer with Alzheimer’s Disease can tell you how heart breaking it is. That Robertson would advocate divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer’s in favor of “starting over again” is as heartless and cruel as it is ignorant. I don’t know about you, but the vows I took specifically mentioned “in sickness and in health.” To me, that means you stay by your spouse’s side when things are good, and especially so when things go to shit. Anyone who is married will tell you that marriage takes work. Spouses make a lifetime commitment to each other on their wedding day. Those vows are me telling my wife that I’m going to take care of her for the rest of her life – no matter how crappy things get.

I think that’s why half of all married couples eventually divorce – they are simply not willing to stick by their commitments when things go south. Marriage has become disposable in our society. When our spouse no longer meets our needs, we look for something better. And when that better thing no longer meets our needs, we dispose of them as well. Here in Texas, we say “dance with the one who brung you.” In other words, uphold your promise to your spouse. Don’t divorce them when they develop dementia. I can think of no more cruel time to leave a person than when they are gravely ill.

Once again, Pat Robertson has shown himself to be a shining beacon of ignorance in this world. I hope that if he develops Alzheimer’s Disease, his wife does not take his advice.

Economists to Obama: Meh

2011-09-19T12:57:00.002-05:00

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- President Obama unveiled a plan on Monday to cut the national debt by roughly $3 trillion over the next decade. Obama's plan reflects his vision for how best to put the country on a more fiscally sustainable course, so it is different in nature than the kind of legislative compromise he was trying to broker this summer during the debt-ceiling debate, a senior administration official said. A driving principle behind the proposal is that high-income individuals and corporations should pay more in taxes than they do currently so that they will bear some of the burden of debt reduction going forward. The plan Obama released includes some $3 trillion in savings on top of the nearly $1 trillion already signed into law under the debt ceiling deal enacted in August. Of that, however, close to $500 billion would have to be used to pay for the American Jobs Act, which Obama proposed last week. And a third of the savings he proposes would come from expected war savings. In addition, the president offered guiding principles for future tax reform. Any reform plan, he said, should lower tax rates, eliminate wasteful loopholes, boost job creation and economic growth, and be consistent with the Buffett Rule.
**So, the Obama Administration will soon be entering its’ final year, which leaves this blog wondering…Are we any better off than we were three years ago? I cannot help but wonder how many of the enthusiastic, wide-eyed young people who voted for “Change” in 2008 are now unemployed and scraping by on social programs and credit cards. Is this the kind of change you voted for?

Upon Obama’s inauguration in January 2009, I said, “My feeling is that once the euphoria of having a black President wears off, whether it is six months, a year or three years from now, people are going to be disappointed and disillusioned to discover that President Barack Obama might very well be similar in many ways to the men who have preceded him in the Oval Office.” Obama’s ever-plummeting approval rating speaks to the apparent fact that, despite his best efforts, the President’s policies are not the will of most Americans. To be fair, I’m not sure anyone could have done much better in the last three years. That said, a boatload of cash has spewed from Washington since 2008, and some economists argue that the effect of the stimulus is questionable at best.

The debt reduction plan announced Monday by Obama is a good example of how profoundly Democrats and Republicans disagree. Republicans argue that freeing corporations from endless government regulation will help create jobs and grow our economy. The Democratic take? Increase taxation on rich people and corporations. Really? American businesses already pay one of the world’s highest corporate tax rates. So…Obama’s plan is to generate revenue by taxing them further?

Look, the reason:
you get somebody in Mumbai when you call customer service
American jobs are going overseas
America imports waaay more than it exports
American companies are headquartered in tiny European countries
Chinese products are filling the world’s shelves instead of American products
is because the United States government makes it really hard for American corporations to do business and be competitive. So, let’s raise their already sky-high tax rates and see what happens. You really want to get America back to work? Then, you get American companies on a level playing field with the rest of the industrialized world. Free up employers to actually employ people. Lower corporate taxes so that American corporations can reinvest the tax savings into capital improvements. Smaller, less restrictive government = economic growth. By the way, this blog is neither Democrat nor Republican, but when it comes to economic recovery, this blog thinks the Republicans make way more sense.

The policies of the current administration are killing American enterprise. This blog happens to think some of the world’s greatest minds are right here in the United States. Why then, are we unable to bring back the glory days of American business? The world used to look to America as a source of innovation. Now, we’re a source of reality television and morbid obesity. The same country that brought the world electricity is now bringing the world gaudy, pre-packaged capitalism-in-a-box. The United States needs to regain its’ status as a world leader in business and industry, rather than being a world leader at inflicting our military might on the rest of the globe.

How do we do that? Free American businesses from the world’s highest, most ill-advised corporate tax rate. Let a playa play…
An American corporate headquarters will stop being an empty office in Switzerland when our government decides to let business do what it does best – grow. That’s how you create jobs. That’s how you get America working again.

Michaele Salahi on a Journey

2011-09-15T09:27:00.001-05:00

(CNN) -- "Real Housewives of D.C." star Michaele Salahi hit the road with Journey guitarist Neal Schon and was not kidnapped as her husband suspected, according to a representative with Schon's management company. She told a sheriff's deputy late Tuesday that she was "with a good friend and was where she wanted to be," Warren County, Virginia, Sheriff Danny McEathron said in a statement to CNN Wednesday afternoon. Tareq Salahi, speaking through his manager on Wednesday morning, told CNN his wife had been missing since Tuesday morning and may have been kidnapped. McEathron said Tareq Salahi's suspicion that his wife's phone conversation with a deputy late Tuesday, minutes after he reported her missing, was not proof she was safe. "She seemed calm, was engaged in conversation, and assured the deputy that she had left the residence with a good friend and was where she wanted to be," McEathron said. "Mrs. Salahi advised that she did not want Mr. Salahi to know where she was."
**When asked late Tuesday about his wife’s disappearance, Tareq Salahi said, “What I would like to say to her is that you can have it any way you want it, you know? But, even though we’ve gone our separate ways, I send her my love and want her to know that I’ll be alright without you.” When asked how he is coping with the loss of his wife, Salehi says, “I don’t stop believin’ and when Michaele decides to come home, I will faithfully welcome her with open arms.” Michaele Salahi released a statement through her agent early Wednesday saying in part, “Neal and I are stone in love and have been lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’ each other…it’s my husband who’s crying now.”

Don't Ask to See His Birth Certificate

2011-09-14T14:04:00.002-05:00

Rick Perry Gets the Smackdown

2011-09-13T11:45:00.006-05:00

Tampa, Florida (CNN) -- With Texas Gov. Rick Perry threatening to cement his standing atop the national polls, his rivals for the Republican presidential nomination aggressively sought to undermine his conservative credentials on Monday during the first-ever CNN/Tea Party debate in Florida. Perry repeatedly found himself in the crosshairs, as the field of candidates took turns attacking his positions on illegal immigration, Social Security, and his controversial 2007 push to vaccinate Texas schoolgirls against human papillomavirus, a common sexually transmitted disease that can lead to cervical cancer. Perry said he regretted his decision to push for the vaccine using an executive order, but said he was standing up against cancer. Perry was also attacked by his opponents for signing the Texas DREAM Act in 2001, which granted in-state tuition to some children of illegal immigrants. And former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney chided Perry for referring to Social Security as a "Ponzi scheme" and vowed to protect the program. Romney called such language "over the top" and said that Perry wrote in his book "Fed Up!" that the entitlement program is unconstitutional.
**At first glance, Rick Perry really got pounded at last night’s Tea Party debate in Tampa. This blog knew going into the event that the candidates would be gunning for front-runner Perry, but I was not ready for the full frontal assault he endured. Mitt Romney clearly had his sights on Perry, hammering him on the “Ponzi Scheme” comment Perry made during the last debate with regard to Social Security. Michele Bachmann hit Perry hard on the Texas mandate that young girls be vaccinated for HPV. Even Jon Huntsman got into the act, calling Perry’s immigration policy “treasonous,” a reference to an earlier Perry comment regarding the Federal Reserve.

So, Rick Perry definitely felt the slings and arrows of his fellow Republicans last night, but I still think he handled himself pretty well. He took the edge off his previous stance on Social Security without giving too much ground. He admitted regret on the HPV vaccine debacle, only because he did not go through the legislature. And he defended the Texas initiative that children of illegal immigrants are eligible to receive in-state tuition for college, provided they have begun the citizenship process. I think Perry is still going to be on top in the polls, but, he needs to kick some serious ass at the next debate, or he might be in danger of falling behind.

Mitt Romney didn’t really offer anything new in last night’s debate. In general, I think he has a very “presidential” demeanor, but did little to bring this blog into Camp Romney. He made some valid points with respect to Rick Perry and his policies, but also fell back on some of his tried and true campaign speech snippets…like that awful analogy that Obama is plunking quarters into a pay phone while the rest of us are in a smart phone world. What does that even mean? I think Mitt Romney is still a leader in this race, but I would really like to see some fire in his belly. He comes off to me as cool, and disconnected. I would like to hear some specifics about what initiatives he plans to spearhead as President, besides repealing Obamacare.

I think Michele Bachmann had the showing last night she needed to stay relevant in this race. She was passionate, focused and confident. She has made some gaffes in the media in recent months, but she came off pretty well last night. I hope her performance last night translates into higher poll numbers. In order to remain interesting, this needs to be more than a Romney-Perry race.

I like what Jon Hunstman and Rick Santorum had to say, but I just don’t think they have enough support to win the nomination. I like the experience and perspective Newt Gingrich has in Washington. I actually think he would make a really good nominee, but again, I don’t think he has the steam behind his campaign to make it to the finish line. Also, I really like where Ron Paul is on several issues. I like his take on American foreign policy (get our military out of the Middle East). I definitely agree that the United States need not be the world’s policeman. But, his slightly incoherent babbling reminds me of my crazy uncle who sits by the window staring at cars going by. I don’t think Ron Paul is Presidential material.

Of all these candidates, I like Herman Cain the most. Yeah…I know. In these debates, he’s been direct in his answers, unlike his colleagues who seem to dance around the questions. He seems confident without being arrogant. He seems to know exactly what he wants to do in Washington. I don’t think Herman Cain has said anything yet that this blog disagrees with. I even agree on his choice of pizza from the first debate (deep dish…if you don’t need a knife and fork to eat a slice, you’re doing it wrong). So, I am loving me some Herman Cain. But…unfortunately, there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that Herman Cain is getting the GOP nod. Like most of his fellow Republicans, Cain just doesn’t have the support to make it all the way. Sucks…I would love to see a Herman Cain White House. *sigh*

So, I think right now it is a Perry-Romney and possibly Bachmann race. This next debate is going to be critical for all these candidates. Perry needs to go on the offensive and hit Romney and Bachmann where it hurts, while also watching his six. He can’t afford any sneak attacks next time. Mitt Romney needs to show some signs of life – some kind of emotion. I think America needs to know that Mitt Romney is not a multi-millionaire, Ivy League cyborg. And Bachmann? Well, I know I have made some less than flattering comments about Michele Bachmann recently, but I still think she did a great job last night. If she continues in her current direction, I think her poll numbers may just go up.

I urge you to watch these debates, and stay informed. There’s a pretty good chance that one of these GOP candidates will be the next US President. I say this a lot, but it is hard to complain about the government when you don’t make an informed vote..or when you don’t vote at all. Don’t forget that these aren’t just debates…they are job interviews. And you’re doing the hiring.

The Next Generation sigh

2011-09-12T12:48:00.002-05:00

These are the kids who will be in charge in a few years. FML

9/11 Post

2011-09-09T12:01:00.002-05:00

I think every media outlet in America is running some kind of 9/11 retrospective this weekend, and understandably so. While I admit to being a little burned out on all the coverage, I still believe it is important for us to remember the events before they fade any more into history. It’s kind of sad that kids growing up today are reading about the 9/11 attacks in their history classes – makes me feel old. Anyway, I guess I don’t have a lot to say on the subject that would be different than every other blog in the universe.

9/11 is the Kennedy assassination for my generation – one of those “where were you when..” moments in time. Even today, watching the footage of the towers burning is still surreal. My brain couldn’t process what my eyes were seeing. It’s one thing to witness violence on television or in the movies, but when you know it’s real, that changes everything.

Like a lot of people, my initial feeling was anger. Anger at what ‘those people’ had done to us. Once the shock wore off, I came to the realization that my anger was rooted in the fact that we had been outsmarted. The greatest country on earth had been brutally attacked by, what I saw as, a less technically advanced group of people. It still amazes and frustrates me that American troops are being blown to bits by homemade bombs buried in the dirt. We have drones that can shoot a missile down somebody’s chimney from miles in the sky, but we can’t defend ourselves against an explosive detonated with a cell phone? It still doesn’t make any sense to me.

I’m not angry with Islam. We cannot blame an entire religion for the actions of a radical minority, but I wish moderate Muslims would show a little bit more outrage at the actions of Islamic extremists. And though Israel and the Unites States have had a close friendship for many years, I do not agree with some of their policies, particularly Israeli settlements in the West Bank.

I am not anti-war or anti-military, but it saddens me that so many people have died in Iraq and Afghanistan since 9/11. To my knowledge, we have killed or imprisoned most of the people responsible for the attacks on the World Trade Center…so, why are we still at war? It bothers me that American men and women’s lives are at risk for reasons that are no longer as clear as they used to be.

To me, one of the lasting legacies of 9/11 is the deficit of American confidence in our own country. Terrorism is not new. Countries all over the world have been dealing with it for a long time. Terrorism against Americans is not new. The 1983 bombing of American Marines in Beirut and the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center were both harbingers of what was to come. I think what Americans lost on 9/11 was their sense of safety. The sense that terrorism is something which happens in other countries, but not here. 9/11 showed us a picture of ourselves that we didn’t want to see – how truly vulnerable we are.

My hope is that, in time, America will become a stronger nation because of the events of September 11, 2001.

Freaky Things, Man

2011-09-08T11:55:00.002-05:00

Before I begin today's bit of useless, time-wasting content, a word about courtesy. I receive a fair number of comments to this blog which are obvious spam - links to Japanese porn, discount travel offers. But out of courtesy, I post all legitimate comments whether they agree with me or not. It is worth noting that Idiots Walk Among Us is intended to be a humor blog (on occasion), not a pulpit for any personal agenda. If you don't enjoy the content on this blog, feel free to activate the "Next Blog" button at the top of the screen, and you will be redirected to a blog about somebody's kids or cats. BTW, using an anonymizer doesn't really hide anything...and kinda makes you look like a puss.

CNN - Police are investigating the death of an Arkansas man whose naked body was allegedly found next to a sleeping TV weatherman in a hot tub after a night of drinking and drugs. The owner of the home awoke Monday morning to find the body of 24-year-old Dexter Williams at the bottom of an empty tub, his face blue and a chain resembling a dog collar around his neck, according to a Maumelle Police report. Asleep next to him was KARK meteorologist Brett Cummins, 33, who had arrived at Christopher Barbour's home outside Little Rock accompanied by Williams around 8 p.m. on Sunday, Barbour told police. The three drank and snorted drugs, though Barbour told police he did not know what kind, Officer Gregory Roussie said in a report. Barbour awoke to the sound of Cummins snoring and discovered the two in the hot tub, which had been drained of water, he told police.
**Back in my younger, more foolhardy days, I used to indulge in a fair number of cocktails. And, I had occasion to attend some pretty wild parties in the process. Fortunately, the worst case scenario for me meant waking up next to someone I didn’t know, or perhaps waking up with a skull-splitting hangover. But, in those years of heavy drinking, I never woke up in a hot tub next to a dead guy wearing a dog collar. Dude, what kind of parties are they throwing in Maumelle, AR? Yet, that is precisely what happened to local TV weatherman Brett Cummins. My forecast? There’s a 100% chance of him getting fired. The irony? The story of KARK weatherman Brett Cummins was reported by…wait for it…his own station.

(Reuters) - Seven dogs starved of food and water for two weeks are suspected of eating their Indonesian owner after he returned to his hometown in Manado from a holiday, local media reported on Tuesday. A neighborhood guard was curious when he saw luggage lined up at the front of Andre Lumboga's house, days after the 50-year old arrived back home. He approached the house, smelled something foul and called the police, according to a report. "His skull was found in the kitchen, and his body was found in the front of his house," Eriyana, a local police chief in Batam, an island off Sumatra, told VIVAnews website. Lumboga was from northern Sulawesi island, a predominantly Christian area, where the local spicy diet is famous in Indonesia for including dogs, bats and forest rats.
**There are a lot of reasons not to leave your dogs without food and water for two weeks. This is one of them. Interesting, though, how quickly domesticated animals will return to their feral origins. One day, they’re happy to see you. The next, your skull is on the kitchen floor. Apparently, two weeks is all it takes for dogs to develop a taste for human flesh. It is disconcerting that the same dog I throw tennis balls to may be sizing up my meaty bits. The irony? Andre Lumboga lived in a part of Indonesia famed for its spicy food…which includes dogs. After discovering Lumboga’s body, local police reportedly swatted the dogs with rolled up newspapers.

GOP Vs. Science

2011-09-07T11:54:00.005-05:00

NPR - Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who has publicly doubted the science of climate change and says creationism should be taught alongside evolution, is the new front-runner for the GOP presidential nomination. He's not alone in these views. If the topic of science comes up during tonight’s debate, the views of all of the GOP presidential candidates will be on display before a national audience. At a voter breakfast in New Hampshire, Perry was asked about the overwhelming scientific evidence that shows human actions are a substantial cause of global warming. While he did agree that the climate was changing, he said that it's been changing since the Earth began. As for how Perry would fund environmental actions if he were president? "I don't think, from my perspective, that I want America to be engaged in spending that much money on [a still] scientific theory that has not been proven," he said, "and from my perspective is being put more and more into question." Former Utah Gov. John Huntsman, another candidate for the nomination, sent this tweet after Perry's remarks on global warming: "To be clear. I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy."
**You know, it seems like half of Texas is on fire right now. With over 1,000 homes destroyed and countless acres reduced to ash, these wildfires are being called the worst in our state’s history. As I left for work this morning, the smell of smoke hung heavy in the air. It has created a visible haze in the Dallas area, and that leaves me wondering – where does all that smoke go? Well, up into the atmosphere, of course. But, not to worry, says Rick Perry. After all, global warming is just a “theory.” Probably nothing to worry about. And how would a President Perry view environmental issues? "I don't think, from my perspective, that I want America to be engaged in spending that much money on scientific theory that has not been proven." *gulp* Make no mistake, a Rick Perry White House would almost certainly give environmental issues a serious smackdown. Take that, hippies!

So, where do the other GOP candidates stand on climate change?
Bachmann: “Carbon dioxide is not a harmful gas; it is a harmless gas ... And yet we're being told that we have to reduce this natural substance and reduce the American standard of living to create an arbitrary reduction in something that is naturally occurring in the Earth.”
Cain: “I don't believe ... global warming is real. Because the science, the real science, doesn't say that we have any major crisis or threat when it comes to climate change.”
Huntsman: “I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy.”
Paul: “While it is evident that the human right to produce and use energy does not extend to activities that actually endanger the climate of the Earth…bogus claims about climate dangers should not be used as a justification to further limit the American people's freedom.”
Perry: “I think there are a substantial number of scientists who have manipulated data so that they will have dollars rolling in to their projects.”
Romney: “I think it's important for us to reduce our emissions of pollutants and greenhouse gases that may well be significant contributors to the climate change and the global warming that you're seeing.”
SCIENCE: “Observations throughout the world make it clear that climate change is occurring, and rigorous scientific research demonstrates that the greenhouse gases emitted by human activities are the primary driver.” (joint statement from 18 scientific associations)

So, the overwhelming scientific data supporting global warming is not enough to convince some GOP front runners that the greenhouse effect is real. No…seriously, they don’t think it is. Score this round for Huntsman, who seems to be one of the few Republican candidates with any common sense. It’s a pity he doesn’t have a chance in hell of being elected. Romney also chimed in with a sensible response. The rest of the GOP hopefuls run the gamut from paranoid (global warming is a myth concocted by scientists to get their projects funded) to downright misinformed (“real” science doesn’t think climate change is a problem).

Bachmann’s take on greenhouse gases was priceless. “Carbon dioxide is not a harmful gas.” Yeah, neither is hydrogen – Hindenburg. Here is a list of other naturally occurring gases that are probably nothing to worry about.
Oxygen- everywhere (poisonous at high concentrations)
Hydrogen sulfide – volcanoes
Sulfur dioxide – also volcanoes
Methane – natural sources (cow farts, I’m told)

Worst of all, Bachmann says, voluntary reduction of these naturally occurring gases will “reduce the American standard of living.” Irreparably contaminating our planet is the American way – as American as apple pie and morbid obesity. Maybe I’m just naïve, but I am not convinced that my luxurious American lifestyle is dependent on chugging out earth-destroying plumes of noxious gas…except on taco night, of course.

Everyone seems to agree that our earth is getting warmer. Is it due to natural, cyclical processes? Perhaps. Is it due to man’s foolishly short-sighted exploitation of natural resources for our own benefit? Hmm…maybe. Either way, why wouldn’t we hedge our bets, and stop our greenhouse gas emissions now while we still can? It may impede our American lifestyle, but is there really anyone out there who thinks sending endless streams of poisonous gas into the heavens is a good idea? After all, those gases don’t go anywhere – they stay in our atmosphere. Want to see what happens when you introduce some noxious gas into a closed environment?

Bachmann Staff: Get to the Choppa !!!

2011-09-06T15:18:00.002-05:00

(CNN) – Michele Bachmann campaign manager Ed Rollins is stepping into an advisory role and deputy manager David Polyansky is leaving the campaign, Rollins said Monday. Rollins, who’s 68 and had a stroke a year and a half ago, cited health reasons for his decision. "I just don't have the endurance to go 12 to 14 hours a day, seven days a week anymore," Rollins told CNN's Anderson Cooper on Monday. However, Rollins said Texas Gov. Rick Perry's recent entrance into the race has made a difference in Bachmann's campaign. "Legitimately, it's a Romney-Perry race," Rollins said. "I think she's the third candidate at this point in time, which is way different and better than we thought when we started this thing. She's very much in this thing."
**Ok, so 68-year-old Ed Rollins cites health reasons for stepping down as Michele Bachmann’s campaign manager – fair enough. I’m a lot younger than Rollins, and I have already noticed that it is much easier to sit down than it is to get back up. Of course, Bachmann’s top two stepping down at the same time has to raise some eyebrows. But, what is most damning about Rollins’s statement is the apparent admission that his own candidate is running a distant third. “…it's a Romney-Perry race.” Ouch! Not what you want to hear from your campaign manager. Rollins softens the blow a bit by saying, “She's very much in this thing," but the damage has already been done. As the old saying goes, you cannot un-ring a bell.

Bachmann’s staff seems to be manning the escape pods, but she is by no means the only candidate to witness a mass exodus this campaign season. Much of Newt Gingrich’s staff jumped ship earlier this year, effectively stopping his campaign dead in its tracks. What does the future hold for Michele Bachmann? With Perry and Romney firmly on top in most polls, and the ever-present threat of Tea Party sweetheart Sarah Palin’s entrance into the race, Michele Bachmann is now on my Republican dead pool. Bachmann’s chances of winning the GOP nomination are about the same as Katt Williams being named host of the Latin Grammy Awards.

Speaking of Sarah Palin (and, it pains me that I am), you want to know how to impress a Tea Party audience? Say things no one would ever possibly disagree with. Her Labor Day speech in New Hampshire had about as much controversy as a Paul McCartney Super Bowl Halftime show.
America needs a pro-growth agenda
Cut taxes
Promote personal freedoms
Smaller government

*Zzzzz* Alvin Greene must be her speech writer. You know what would really impress me? A candidate running on a platform of anti-growth, higher taxes, big government and kicking puppies. Let’s see how that would play in the Midwest.

Campaign promises are like a bar at last call. Candidates will say anything to get you in bed. We have seen clearly that what candidates promise is not what they deliver once elected. I don’t blame them entirely, though. American voters hear what they want to hear. We have created a political culture of being lied to. No candidate who even remotely tells it like it is has a shot at being elected in this country. Never have, never will. Why? Because we want someone to pull us out of the collective muck. We want a President who will give us our warm milk and blankie…read us stories, then pat us on the head and tell us everything will be ok. It’s little wonder no president meets our expectations – our expectations are unreachable.

It’s a candidate’s job to tell you what you want to hear. Your only hope is to sort out which one is least full of shit, and hope for the best.

How to Apologize Without Saying You're Sorry

2011-09-01T11:23:00.002-05:00

(CNN) - A spokesman for Democratic Rep. Andre Carson said the Indiana representative and member of the Congressional Black Caucus is not backing down from comments he made previously, when he said members of the tea party movement on Capitol Hill would like to see African Americans "hanging on a tree." Jason Tomsci, Carson's aide, reaffirmed the sentiment. "Members of the tea party are holding up a lot of things that the president wants to do and want to gut critical services and programs that they know are important to African Americans as well as Latinos and other minorities." Video surfaced Tuesday which shows Carson, who holds a leadership role in the CBC, at an Aug. 22 event in Florida. "Some of these folks in Congress would love to see us as second class citizens. Some of them in Congress right now of this tea party movement would love to see you and me ... hanging on a tree," Carson said according to the audio. He also equated the efforts of those in the tea party movement to Jim Crow laws that historically kept African Americans from voting. "I stand on the truth of what I spoke,” Carson later said. “My intentions weren't to hurt anyone or any group.”

(CNN) -- Comedian Katt Williams has apologized for a rant he directed at Mexicans during a show in Phoenix over the weekend. "My remarks were not meant to be offensive," Williams said. "I want to apologize if my comedy act was taken out of context." At the show, Williams singled out a man seated near the stage and asked him if he was Mexican. He then launched into his tirade. "Do you remember when white people used to say 'Go back to Africa,' and we'd have to tell them we don't want to? So if you love Mexico, (expletive), get the (expletive) over there!" Williams said to the man. As the rant turned into a back-and-forth profanity-laced argument with the man, Williams exclaimed, "We were slaves (expletive). You just work like that as landscapers." Several times during outburst, Williams sang parts of the national anthem.
Williams began his career as a stand-up comic. His often raunchy style has drawn comparisons to comedy legend Richard Pryor.

**So, it makes no difference if you’re a politician, or an entertainer. There is an invisible line between sane and bat-shit crazy. That’s why both Rep. Andre Carson and Katt Williams issued apologies – they crossed that line. Andre Carson’s assertion? Members of the Tea Party would like to see “you and me” (remember Carson was addressing the Congressional Black Caucus..i.e. black people) hanging on a tree. Wow, really? And why would Carson say this? "Members of the tea party are holding up a lot of things that the president wants to do and want to gut critical services and programs that they know are important to African Americans as well as Latinos and other minorities." Listen to what Carson is saying. The Tea Party wants to eliminate programs which benefit minorities. The Tea Party is willfully blocking the President’s initiatives.

What I’m hearing is Andre Carson saying the Tea Party is racist. I wonder if it has occurred to the gentleman from Indiana that Tea Party policy may have more to do with partisan politics than any racial agenda. What Presidential initiatives are being stalled by Tea Party tactics? It’s not like Carson gave any specifics. Maybe the fiscally conservative Tea Party wants to gut certain social services in an effort to stem the hemorrhage of cash spewing from the Obama administration, not because they want to deny entitlement benefits to minorities. But, Democrat Andre Carson knows he’s speaking to a largely receptive black, Democratic audience…so…here come the race cards. An African American making references to lynching and Jim Crow to an African American audience? Ok, apparently. A Caucasian making references to lynching and Jim Crow to an African American audience? Well, that would be racist.

The bottom line is that racism is a two-way street. As an African American, you can’t cry foul on racial issues when it suits your needs, then pull back when it doesn’t. A statement or reference is either racist or it isn’t – it makes no difference who the speaker is, or to whom they are speaking. This sounds to me like Andre Carson made some inflammatory references to a black audience in an effort to galvanize disdain for the Tea Party (which, let’s be honest, isn’t even a real political party).

So, how do you apologize without saying you’re sorry? Simple. Don’t own it. Look at what Andre Carson and Katt Williams said after their little ‘Oops.’
Carson: “My intentions weren't to hurt anyone or any group.”
Williams: "My remarks were not meant to be offensive."
Notice how similar those are? In other words, I said what I said...if your feelings got hurt, that’s your problem. I made this same point earlier this year when, after tweeting jokes about the deadly Japanese tsunami, comedian Gilbert Gottfried released this statement:
“I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor…”
That’s how you do it – you turn it around on people. They didn’t mean for their remarks to be offensive, so if you’re offended by it, it’s not their fault.

There is no need to issue an apology after an offensive comment if you don’t say the offensive comment in the first place.

Headline: Man impales eye socket with shears

2011-08-31T14:39:00.001-05:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

Race Relations Aussie-Style

2011-08-31T11:54:00.011-05:00

Herald Sun (AUS) - QANTAS is at the centre of a scandal after posting a photo on Twitter of two men with their faces painted black and wearing afro wigs. The airline, a major Wallabies sponsor, had given the two fans free tickets to the Rugby Union Bledisloe Cup, held on Saturday night, for promising to dress up as their favourite player Radike Samo - an Australian of Fijian heritage. The two men wore black face-paint and afro wigs and Qantas posted a photograph of the marketing stunt on the micro-blogging site. ''Looks like our Twitter winners of the Bledisloe Cup tix lived up to their promise! Good work,'' the airline tweeted today. But the airline changed its tune after an angry Twitter backlash and issued an apology. ''We apologise the photo of 2 Radike fans offended people. We've spoken with Radike and whilst he has no issue with it we have removed the image,'' the airline Tweeted.

The chairman of the NSW Aboriginal Land Council (NSWALC), Stephen Ryan, said he was stunned Qantas had encouraged the men. ''It is simply unbelievable that they wouldn't have known such a stunt could backfire,'' Mr Ryan said in a statement today. ''It's hard to believe that a company that has used Aboriginal iconography to try and improve its image didn't know that this could easily be construed as racist.'' But Samo said he had gladly posed for pictures with the pair and didn't understand ''what the fuss is all about''. ''These guys were actually paying me a tribute. It was a bit of fun and I think it's great that they regarded me as their favourite Wallaby,'' he said. ''I didn't have an issue with it at all ... I don't know why anyone's getting worked up, that sort of reaction is just silly.'' The incident comes just two years after the Nine Network's Hey Hey Its Saturday sparked a worldwide outcry for depicting five men in blackface performing a Jackson Five number.
**Wow!
Earth to Australia – This is the 21st century calling...do you read?...over.
Look, I get that cultural mores are different from country to country, and I understand that not every Aussie is Ok with this portrayal of black people, but seriously...doesn’t a thoroughly modern nation like Australia have some collective sense of appropriateness? I’m not saying the United States is that progressive when it comes to racial issues, but Jesus, we haven’t seen that image of blacks here for almost a century!

Clearly, the reaction of the NSWALC chairman is proof enough that not every Australian was in on the joke. Further, I think Stephen Ryan makes an excellent point. All cultural stuff aside, a company with international visibility, like Qantas, should have known better than to post a photo like this on Twitter. Even if it was hilarious to Aussies, Qantas should have known that it would spark controversy in other countries...countries where Qantas does business.

Aussies might think Americans are arrogant about racial issues, but Australia is proving to the world that they still have a long road ahead it terms of racial tolerance. And finally, for your viewing pleasure...here is the clip referenced above of American actor and musician Harry Connick Jr. on Australian television, experiencing that delightful Australian sense of humor about race.

And...here's Harry Connick Jr. on American television. Ironic.

By the way, Aussie TV show Hey Hey It's Saturday (the first video clip) posted the Mad TV clip above on YouTube, which spawned almost 1,200 comments including:
"Fuck you Connick jr, hypocritical cunt"

Bachmann: Deadly Hurricane? Hilarious!

2011-08-30T10:46:00.004-05:00

(CNN) – Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann defended her recent comments about natural disasters in Washington, D.C. serving as messages from God, saying she was joking. "I have a great sense of humor and I think it's important to exhibit that humor sometimes when you are talking to people as well," Bachmann said Monday at a campaign event in Miami. "Of course I was being humorous when I said that." The Minnesota Rep. received criticism following statements she made over the weekend that equated the recent earthquake and Hurricane Irene to acts of God. "Washington, D.C. you'd think by now they'd get the message," Bachmann said at a town hall in Florida Saturday to laughs. "An earthquake, a hurricane, are you listening? The American people have done everything they possibly can, now it's time for an act of God and we're getting it."
**I have made no secret of my personal feelings about Michele Bachmann. (she’s a jackass) Bachmann knows it’s important for politicians to have a healthy sense of humor, and thankfully, she thinks she’s freakin’ hilarious. The problem? Her material. Any comic will tell you that comedy is mostly about timing and delivery, but that’s assuming your bits are funny in the first place. Sometimes even the pros stumble across a subject that is probably best left alone. Just ask:
Gilbert Gottfried – Fired as the Aflac duck after tweeting jokes about the deadly Japanese tsunami. (75% of Aflac’s customers are in Japan…D’oh!)
Michael Richards – Seinfeld’s Kramer made some ill-advised comments about African Americans after being heckled by two black men at a comedy club…career suicide.
Tracy Morgan – June 2011 saw Morgan make jokes about homosexuals and the developmentally disabled (formerly known as retarded).

Even politicians are getting into the act. GOP golden boy Rick Perry recently made light of Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission chairman Jose Cuevas..get it? (Sounds like Jose Cuervo, and…hold for applause). Protip: Making fun of Hispanics in Texas is NEVER a good idea. Yesterday, Michele Bachmann tried to backtrack from her recent comments about natural disasters and the nation’s capitol. "Washington, D.C. you'd think by now they'd get the message." *gulp* Apparently, it was lost on Bachmann that 38 innocent people died in Hurricane Irene. Yeah I know…freakin’ hilarious, right? Good stuff. Bachmann should have followed that up with some jokes about airline food and how white people can’t dance. That’s good material.

Note to political candidates - Leave the jokes to the pros. America needs you to focus on the important issues. Here are some suggestions:
Crippling unemployment
Global warming
War in Afghanistan
Worst recession in a century
Multi-trillion dollar national debt

Politics is a serious business, and America deserves leaders who take it seriously. After all, it’s not like Al Franken is doing Stuart Smalley on the Senate floor.

Romney: Blind to Middle-Class Issues?

2011-08-29T11:04:00.002-05:00

Researchers at the University of Cambridge analyzed the results of seven existing studies and concluded that high levels of chocolate consumption might be associated with a notable reduction in the risk of developing heart disease. Five of the seven studies reported a beneficial link between higher levels of chocolate consumptions and the risk of cardiovascular events. They found that “the highest levels of chocolate consumption were associated with a 37% reduction in cardiovascular disease and a 29% reduction in stroke, compared with the lowest levels [of consumption].” A number of recent studies have shown that eating chocolate has a positive impact on human health, thanks to its antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties, namely reducing blood pressure and improving insulin sensitivity.
**We’ve been hearing a lot of bad news in the media lately – earthquakes, hurricanes, floods…various other signs of the apocalypse. How about some good news for once? Here you go. Despite all the foods that can give you cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc., scientists have finally discovered that something tasty and indulgent can actually be good for you – chocolate. 37% reduction in the risk of heart disease? 29% fewer strokes? Those are pretty significant numbers. In typical buzzkill fashion, researchers were quick to point out that, as with red wine’s beneficial effects, moderation is key. Ok, fine. *sigh* Still, it is comforting that one need not go vegan to enjoy a healthier approach to cardiovascular fitness. The authors of the study say more research is needed, so abandoning the treadmill in favor of a Hershey bar and bottle of Pinot Noir is probably premature.

CNN - GOP presidential front-runner Mitt Romney plans to demolish his modestly sized beachfront residence in the Southern California community of La Jolla and replace it with a 11,062-square-foot mega-mansion. According to the San Diego Union-Tribune, Romney plans to demolish a 3,009-square-foot Spanish-style home that he owns in the exclusive San Diego enclave of La Jolla and to erect an 11,062-square-foot mega-mansion in its place. Romney, whose primary residence is a townhouse outside of Boston, has owned the $12 million beachfront home for three years but is looking to upsize because of his plus-sized clan. A Romney campaign official reports confirms that the Romney clan wants to “enlarge their two-bedroom home because with five married sons and 16 grandchildren, it is inadequate for their needs. Romney initially purchased the La Jolla home because he “wanted to be where I could hear the waves.” He told reporters at a book signing in California last year: “As a boy, we spent summers on Lake Huron and I could hear the crashing waves at night. It was one of my favorite things in the world. Being near the water and the waves was something I very badly wanted to experience again.”
**A few weeks ago, GOP candidate Mitt Romney comforted a group of Florida job seekers telling them, “I’m also unemployed,” referring to his quest for the Oval Office. At the time, this blog was quite indignant about a multi-millionaire trying to ingratiate himself to those hit hardest by the economic downturn. The story above did little to change my mind about Mitt Romney. Look, it is no secret that many elected officials are independently wealthy. National elections are as much about raising campaign funds as they are about platforms and policies. Does it bother me that millionaire Mitt Romney plans to build an impossibly huge residence in the exclusive La Jolla community? Not really. Mitt Romney likely earned his millions by working hard and putting in the effort required to become fabulously rich. But…
Is multi-millionaire, awesome-mansion-dwelling, La Jolla resident Mitt Romney a man who is really in touch with issues that are important to working middle-class Americans (like yours truly)? That remains to be seen, but I doubt it.

Some sources put Romney’s personal wealth at close to a quarter BILLION dollar$. Even if Romney doesn’t make it to the White House, he never has to work another day in his life. Mitt Romney does not struggle with keeping the lights on, paying the mortgage or putting his kids through college. Mitt Romney’s ends are meeting like crazy.

What am I looking for in a President of the United States? Simple. I want a person who has dealt with adversity..someone who knows first-hand what it’s like to struggle financially. The President needs to be someone who has, at one time in their life, been directly affected by decisions made in Washington by the political elite. Who would make a great President? A single mother on welfare. A guy working three jobs just to make his bills. These are people who have been in the trenches. These are people who have felt the sting of trickle down economics. Make no mistake, most elected officials in Washington have not had to deal with the fallout from the 2008 financial crisis. Do you really want wealthy elitists making decisions that will affect both you and your children for decades to come? They won’t feel the effects of their decisions, but you and your kids will.

What’s the answer? I don’t know, but for me, it isn’t a guy who’s building an 11,000 square foot, beachside mansion so he can “hear the waves.” What Romney really needs to “hear” are the concerns of everyday, middle-class Americans who struggle with issues like how they are going to make their bills and send their kids to college.

Why I'm Not a 'People' Person

2011-08-19T11:40:00.001-05:00

Fox Sports - German soccer club FC Cologne announced Thursday three fans accused of throwing urine and feces during a German league game have been handed a thee-year nationwide ban from all German stadiums. The three fans reportedly threw cups filled with urine and feces onto a group of Schalke fans during Cologne's 5-1 away loss in Gelsenkirchen. "The three offenders have been identified and in all cases are banned from stadiums nationwide with immediate effect," said Rainer Mendel, a spokesman for Cologne's fans. "We have made it clear that we will not tolerate such behavior and strongly condemn what has happened." The offenders were identified via video footage of the incident and through witness statements. The three-year ban is the maximum punishment allowed, according to the statement on FC Cologne's website.
**Football – The World’s Most Popular Sport. And, I have no idea why. As disturbing as this incident is for many Americans, having urine and feces thrown on you is considered foreplay in Germany.

ROSEVILLE, Mich. — The feet of a 24-year-old Detroit-area man failed him as he tried to use them to brake his pickup on a busy highway. Roseville Police Deputy Chief James Berlin said the man rolled about two miles on Groesbeck Highway while sticking his feet outside his truck in attempts to stop it, hitting four vehicles along the way. Berlin said the man admitted he knew the brakes weren't working but wanted to get home because he was tired and had to go to work the next day. The chief called it a case of "moronic decision-making," reported The Detroit News.
**This is why TV shows have the disclaimer “Don’t Try This at Home.” Of course, I never thought that applied to things seen on The Flintstones. I’m a huge fan of Darwin. Sure, evolution may just be a “theory,” but survival of the fittest looks pretty solid from where I’m sitting.